i feel happy! i feel happy!
i'm not dead!
i'm not dead!
i'm getting better.
i feel fine.
i think i'd go for a walk...
i feel happy! i feel happy!
musings by mainja. welcome to my brain. it's a bit maze like in here, and be careful you don't get zapped by any synapses, but mostly it's warm and squishy and welcoming..
i'm not dead!
so the interview yesterday felt really good.
for my interview today i have to make a presentation. i have to write a presentation. god i'm tired of this game.
the **** policy branch is responsible for developing a broad range of **** policy to support access for all *****.now, critical paths are useful important things. but good god. i really don't feel like creating one for a hypothetical situation for an interview. i have decided there is no way i'm going to do the diagram, and that i *may* do a fullsome chart outlining the length and dependancies, but more likely i will just put forward a big list and say "lets do this chronologically and ignore the idea that some of it can be done in a paralel way and focus on step by step and make there be implicit dependencies." because, well, i'm bloody tired.
develop a critical path that outlines the steps that need to be taken to develop and implement a comprehensive policy for ***.
i have a confession.
I am in search of a permanent job.
as a follow up to my earlier post about meeting up with rhett.
I bet you're all expecting some exciting some exciting orgasmic post now, but unfortunatly you will be sorely disappointed, it will be a plain old boring run-of-the-mill kind of post that will say...
while playing scrabble tonight i discovered a new word. the word means to copulate with a ewe. i can't remember what the word is, which is frustrating, because whatever it was, it made me laugh uproariously.
last night i dreamt that i was meeting john for the first time.
so, as far as i can gleen from this article in toronto life, daniel macivor is going to stop performing in his one-man shows. which really sucks because i have yet to have the opportunity to see him in one, but i LOVE his work.
i love it so much. the bright sun. the sheding of layers. the gradual greening of the environment.
i'm putting this back at the top because i'm afraid it got lost in the little soap opera of the last couple days...
yes, that's right, kiki finally crossed my line.
i am going to post my response to an email i received from kiki because it rounds out the last post a bit. i am only going to include my responses and not her initial email since one can only assume that if she wanted her email to be on a public forum she would have posted it in the comments. it might get a bit confusing because i just did an inline reply, sorry guys.
Although there was a bit of an initial start, honestly it didn't really upset me. Confused me, but didn't upset me.***
***I'm glad to know that my writing piques the interest of my readers. It's nice to know that people may want to know more. Having said that, it's my feeling that my blog is just that, it's *my* blog. People are obviously welcome to read it, and obviously welcome to comment on it, otherwise it would not be on the web and I would not have comments enabled. But beyond that the content is up to me. How much I do or do not decide to divulge in my blog is entirely up to me. You asked questions, so I decided to answer them to the best of my ability.
In fact I made no such assumption. I am sorry if my response implied that I assumed you were a thin woman. It's not the case. If truth be told I didn't actually think of it one way or another. When I was answering I was only answering from my point of view and wasn't considering the history or background of anyone else because I cannot. I can speak with authority, but only on one subject, me and my experiences. When it comes to matters of emotions and feelings I can only write as it relates to me, and not to anything/anyone else.
I have no reservations talking about my weight. It certainly isn't something I pretend isn't there, because, well, I'd have to be blind. But it also isn't something that I dwell on, I have a life to live, sometimes that includes dealing with being a fat chick, sometimes being a fat chick has nothing to do with it. As for issues, I have my share of issues to deal with, I deal with them slowly but surely, I am certainly not one to sherk them, however I also know that I can't do everything all at once. So, for all I know I do have issues around my weight, although honestly, I do think that the picture that you seem to have gotten of me through my blog doesn't seem to be a very accurate one, and really, so be it. How can one expect someone to glean an accurate picture of a person from random scribblings they choose to put on the internet, scribblings full of self-censoring for various and sundry reasons. I am actually quite fascinated by the picture of me that you seem to have developed.
***There is no way for me to convince you that this was not the case for me, and truthfully I don't feel the need for you to believe me, but if it means anything to you then let me just say again that I can assure you this was not the case for me. I am a very independent woman and ending up in a serious relationship so early probably surprised me more than anyone. I don't know how to say this without sounding petty, it certainly isn't how I mean it, but I have to take issue with the statement of "the one guy that loves them despite their weight and emotional baggage", honestly, my weight isn't that big a thing for men to overcome and as for emotional baggage, everyone has emotional baggage, it's just a fact of life. I had always been wooed by men, and some continued to try even once I was with John. As much as I love John dearly if for some reason we broke up, first of all I wouldn't feel the *need* to be with someone romatically, but if it was what I wanted I know that I would not have a problem finding a person to share my life with.
I'm not sure where you are from (ah, the glory of the internet) so I do not know the legal rules there. In Canada (or at least Ontario, but I think it's country-wide) after you have lived together for one year you are legally considered married, you are common-law spouses. By these rules my partner and I have been married for 10 years. We have not had a wedding, but we are legally married. Having said that, this is one of the areas where we will have differing opinions because the point is moot. I will not change your mind on this, and you will not change mine, and that's just fine, there is not an answer that is right, only an answer that is right for us as individuals, so for you and i the 'right' answer happens to be different. To take your statement about the piece of paper though, you say 'why not just sign that damn unimportant paper' to which i counter, why bother signing the paper if it's so unimportant?
I'm a little confused on where you're coming from on this one. I guess perhaps I described things inaccurately when I posted. When I said that friends told me not to bother replying it was not solicited advice, it was unprompted and simply emails i received, all but one were actually received *after* I had already replied. I didn't consult my friends or loved ones before I wrote, I discovered the comment on Monday evening before I left work, I thought about it on my walk home, I telephoned my grandmother (and certainly didn't talk to her about it, because then I'd have her reading my blog, which isn't really where I want to go...) and talked to her for a long time because it was the first time we'd talked since my grandfather died, and then I sat down to write my novel, er, post. Although it is wonderful to have the support of friends and I don't for a second pretend that I could get through my life completely alone and without support of any kind, they certainly do not dictate my actions or rule my decisions.
****grin* Let me assure you that I do not surround myself with people who agree with me unconditionally. Where would be the room for self-challenge? Where would be the effective sounding board? Where would be the opportunity to learn? No, my friends disagree with me, I disagree with them. Sometimes we convince each other to change our minds about things, sometimes we just agree to disagree, respecting the opinion of the other, and certainly not requiring them to 'buy in' to a certain point of view.
I'm not sure why you think that I don't have such friends in my life. I'm very intrigued because there seem to be many ideas about me that you have that really aren't the case, which makes me very curious about the persona I project on my blog.
I am in fact a very introspective person, and a very self-aware person. I have no doubt that you won't believe that, and that's fine, you don't need to. I have done a lot of work to get myself to the point I am, a point of confidence, happiness, security, and self-love, and really that's what is important to me, it's not that someone else knows that.
okay folks, this is going to be a long one, just to forewarn you...
I don't think that you have really opened up about your weight issues. I think you are holding back on even mentioning weight issues. I'm talking about the mentality of weight, not so much the physical aspect of it. So what is your opinion about it? How does it feel? "really" feel? Have you come to terms with your weight issues or are you still struggling or are you ignoring it?i'm not sure what is meant by my "weight issues". i'm going to guess that kiki wants to know what it's like to be fat. and i guess i'm an authority on what it is like for *me* to be fat, although i suspect that like anything there are similarities between fat folks, and differences. in the same way that i react in a certain way to having an alcoholic father and others may react differently to their alcoholic parents there are some comminalities.
Also, about your partner. Who is he exactly? Is he your love/life partner? If you've been together for so long with him, you sure started this relationship when you were very young. Again, I can't help but link your "issus" with having his need to be in a serious relationship at such a young age. If he is your life partner, why aren't you married to him?
john is my love/life partner. he is absolutely the love of my life. these questions raised a couple questions for me though. first, what makes you think we aren't married? we haven't had a wedding (you'll have to talk to him on this one) but i refer to him as my husband as well as my partner, and he refers to me as his wife as well as his partner. even if we had had a wedding, i would still refer to him as my partner. i don't feel the need to decalre the fact that my relationship is a heterosexual one, i am not defined by my sexuality, people can make whatever assumtions they want, the fact that john is a man is immaterial, the fact that he is my partner is the important part.
we did start our relationship young. i was 18, he was 22 (damn cradle robbers!). we got our first apartment together when i was 19 and he was 23. it scared the shit out of everyone around us, including us. in all honesty, as much as we loved each other, i often say i got married by default. before we lived together officially he lived with me at my father's house 6 days out of the week. when i was 19 my father's partner moved in with her two kids, i was basically told i could start sharing my room or i could move out (but that's another story...). john and i were forced to make a difficult decision. i could not afford to have my own apartment, but i also could not move in with a roommate and then have my boyfriend stay over 6 nights out of 7. we decided that we would move in together. we loved each other, but if the truth was to be told, it was a move of convenience. that was 11 years ago (well, minus a month, it was may 7th). we have been living together ever since.
this is where i get fuzzy, i honestly don't understand where my 'weight issues' have anything to do with getting married young.
i'll do my best to answer the question though. why so serious so young? well, the only answer i have is that it wasn't planned. i didn't intend to have a lifelong relationship with this dude i had a crush on. i didn't intend to fall in love. i didn't intend to go through university a married woman. i didn't plan for any of it. but it happened.
and anyone who has met john can tell you that it makes perfect sense. john is an amazing man. sure we've had our rough patches, i'm not sure that anyone who has been together for 12 years hasn't, but we have worked through them, we have put an effort into the relationship because it was worth keeping. i can't imagine ever loving anyone as much as i love john. i can't imagine anyone fitting with me as well as he does. i don't belive in shit like 'he completes me', he doesn't, i'm complete without him, but things are better when he's around, i'm better when he's around. he challenges me, he teaches me, he respects me. but trust me, if you knew john you'd know why someone would want to spend their life with him. i'm pretty sure that those that read my blog who know him can attest to that.
and so, there you have it, my rediculously long response to kiki's comments, i spent almost an hour and 15 minutes writing this, i think that's the longest i've ever spent on a blog, i hope folks have the patience to read it.
kiki, i have a question for you... what prompted you to ask these questions? also, if you knew about how long john and i had been together and you had a general sense that i was avoiding talking about fat issues, how long have you been reading the blog and what made you think i had issues i was avoiding?
one last thought, just because i don't talk about something on my blog doesn't mean that i'm avoiding it, it simply means that i don't feel like talking about it on my blog, for any of a myriad of reasons, just because it is a personal blog i don't think that means that i am obliged to divulge every single thing that i think about and that i have to share all my personal bits (yes yes dickey, i know, i know) on the blog. i may be censoring because i may not want the world to read it. i may censor because i don't want my mother or my brother to read it (as much as i love you guys there are likely some things in my life that i don't want to tell you). i may censor it because i just think it wouldn't actually be of interest to my readers. or it may just not occur to me to write about it in this forum. having said all that, apparently if you ask me, i will answer. ;)
so today i stayed home sick because of the thing in my eye and some weird stomach fluish thing i've got.
so, last night i ordered pizza, not enough energy to get groceries. as you can imagine, the lack of energy means lack of pictures posted.
so, you'll notice that there are no saturday or sunday pictures up yet. that's because i was away from a computer, and then when i was in computer vacinity i was exhausted.