Monday, October 31, 2005


i have a confession to make.

sometimes, when i got to potlucks and someone has brought kentucky fried chicken i get excited.

i would never actually go to kfc on my own. there is too much guilt wrapped up in that food, that food that is raised so cruely and is so bloody terrible for you and greasy and by all rights should be horrible and gross.

but my confession is that sometimes, just sometimes mind you, kfc hits the spot. if i can snag a small chicken breast from the pot luck table i will delight in this guilty pleasure.

now, for some of you this may be really odd, who would care whether or not i like kfc, but you see, i'm a foodie. i'm supposed to like high quality fancy shmancy stuff. kfc has none of those attributes, but still i like it.

Sunday, October 30, 2005


wanna shudder and be grossed out? here, let me help you along...

there are these two girls, young teenage girls, cute and all, many compare them to the olsen twins.

what do these two young girls do, why, spread hate of course...

they are in a band called "prussian blue". there's a website, but i don't want to link to it. i don't want to do anything that raises their google ratings (i would say it's too late for that, but it's a matter of principle.

ABC has a story on it, and a quote by Erich Gliebe, operator of one of the nation's most notorious hate music labels, Resistance Records in the article that made me shudder was:
"Eleven and 12 years old," he said, "I think that's the perfect age to start grooming kids and instill in them a strong racial identity."

terrifying, disgusting, and something you could just wish away and *poof* it would be gone. but you can't, and it won't. really, what more can i say?

Friday, October 28, 2005

i have seen the face of god, and it was beautiful...

David Collins.

what more can i say?

oh. sorry. i guess a lot.

perhaps, just for fun, some context. last night john and i went to see "born ready" and "pusha man" at theatre passe muraille. it was a well spent evening.

both plays were good, although john and i both agreeed that "born ready" felt a bit like it was verging on the teen angst type work that we saw in high school and university, the torment of youth and all that. of course, it explores a topic (internalized violence in "the hood" - to be clear, that's not me trying to sound cool, 'cause i assure you, as cool as those words may make someone sound, coming out of my mouth they would just make me sound like an ass, so this is a direct quote from the play) that is probably not particularily explorable without angst, i guess it was maybe the lack of balance, oh hell, i don't know, it just felt like it was verging on teen angst. but "pusha man" was excellent. they were both written by (the very sexy - although that might be just 'cause he's exactly my type, short and stalky) Joseph Jomo Pierre, who was also in one of the productions. as a quick sidebar here, why the hell don't actors and authors have websites, at least, not easy to find on the web websites, come on people, it's a hard enough business as it is, how about some self-promotion!!!!!

"pusha man", now that was a show i really enjoyed. i loved the spectacle of it. i loved the movement of it. i loved the fluidity of the language. oh, who am i kidding? what i loved was david collins. david ('cause we're on a first name basis doncha know...) plays 'absolute', the pusha man, who is also god, the creator of the world. and damn, is he good. david collins is an amazing actor. amazing. i can't say enough good things. i was disappointed at the end when he left the stage. on some level i couldn't understand why the play was still going on. he is amazing. and oh my god, so so sexy. honestly, he's not the 'see him across the room and think he's sexy' kind of sexy. it was his energy, his voice, his movements. so, really, it was his character who was sexy, but my oh my, how very sexy that character was. here's a picture, he's the older fella in the back of the second picture.

interestingly enough, if you read the reviews, they tend to say the opposite, that "born ready" was amazing and "pusha man" was lack-luster.

i guess everyone's taste is different.

tonight we're going to see "better parts" and "fish eyes"

Thursday, October 27, 2005

can we come out and play?

we have tickets to stage 3 at theatre passe muraille.

we haven't gone to one show.

bloody hell our lives are busy these days.

i believe end of this week and all of next week we will be throwing outselves into theatre.

Wednesday, October 26, 2005

sorrow sometimes creeps in

today i had a delicious lunch of chicken shwarma at red and white on young street.

when i got there i noticed two women talking, they looked like mother and daughter.

as i got closer and sat down close to them i could hear snippits of their conversation and i became even more sure they were mother and daughter. the mother was dispensing supportive helpful motherly advice. i was trying not to cry.

seeing this pair enjoying a meal together and having a heart to heart made my own heart ache with the absence of my mother.

sometimes it's okay living so far from my mum, never ideal, but usually managable.

but other times, completely unexpectedly, the empty ache makes itself knows.

today day was one of those unexpected days.

i wept a little on the way back to my office. i'm weeping a little now.

now i will bury myself deeply in my work with hopes of strong distraction.

i love you mum.

food ideas

okay, i need a food idea.

i need to make something for a work potluck. i'd like to make something vegetarian.

i was thinking i'd make my caesar salad (mine can be vegetarian), but i'd kind of like to make something a bit more main-dishesque.



okay, i was going to do vegetarian chili (my mum and i share a brain) but i got my arm twisted into providing the oh-so-vegetarian roast chicken. so, i'm going to make roast chicken and the vegetarians can fend for themselves.

Tuesday, October 25, 2005

stream of consciousness

i feel like writing, but i don't have anything in particular i feel a need or desire to write about.

so, you're going to get some stream of consciousness writing. sounds fun, no? okay, no, you're right, it probably doesn't sound that fun, in fact, i might reccomend you skip this as it will probably be a might boring, but you know, it's my blog, so i reserve the right to be boring, and boring or no, it's bound to be less painful than my lame-ass joke from yesterday...

geeze, stream of consciousness is hard, was going to experiment and just write all my thoughts down, but apparenlty i have several thoughts at one time, and although i'm a fast typist, i'm not *that* fast.

here are some titles of the thoughts going through my head:
- paint colour
- organization
- halowe'en party
- dinner party
- christmas dinner party
- dad staying with us this week
- money
- what are other things i'm thinking about
- 'y' membership
- meeting with my director
- performance measures
- messy office
- pleasure of sleep
- how thinking about what i'm thinking about seems to have made me stop thinking about things

see, all of those are things i could write a post about, easily. but really, there's not a single thing there that i can imagine would make for interesting blog fodder...

Monday, October 24, 2005


st. snafu posted about procrastination.

i've been thinking about posting about procrastination too, but i just seem to keep putting it off...

Friday, October 21, 2005

unexpected reactions

i am waiting for the bus, happily reading my book (that my mum sent to me, out of the blue, how fun are out of the blue presents!) when along comes a smart young fellow (read: homeless guy probably in his 30s who is, except for the facial hair and dirt, quite attractive).

now, i do not pay this fellow particular heed, as is my wont in these situations. although i feel rude when i don't look up or make eye contact or respond, i also don't have the energy to deal with things if they become, for lack of a better word, heated. so, i find avoidence the best course of action for me.

this morning is no different. the fellow approaches, i keep my eyes to my book. the follow walks toward me, i keep my eyes to my book. the fellow walks past me leaving very little space between us, i keep my eyes to my book. in fact, i only see him briefly when i notice him coming towards the i immediately feign intense interest in my book (no that it isn't interesting, but i had been interested in the comings and goings mere seconds earlier).

but, all this walking isn't all that is happening. he is also talking.

while he looks me up and down and his eyes burn into me, he says "oohhh yeah, that's it, you *are* delicious"

honestly, these words have little effect on me. i've heard them before, and i always imagine there is a tone of mocking in them and rarely imagine they are what the cat caller means (yeah yeah, i know, but still...). this is nothing new to me. i keep my eyes to my book.

as he is about to pass me, eyes still locked onto me he, for lack of a better word, moans.

it is a visceral sound. a sound of pleasure. a sound that cannot be faked. typing the letter 'm' in succession doesn't do it justice, but it is the best i can do in blog format, he makes a sound that comes from his chest, maybe even his belly "mmmmmmmmmm". the sound is pure pleasure.

an unexpected shock of pleasure shoots through my body.

i keep my eyes to my book.

Wednesday, October 19, 2005

TO post: Dentist desperately desired

lately i've been posting more than a few toronto-centric posts, so i've decided that i'm going to start my toronto-centric posts with "TO post:" so that people from elsewhere can just skip it if they want.

okay, with that out of the way, i need your help.

i need a dentist.

i just called my dentist, the one i've had my whole entire life, only to find out he retired last month.

so, now i need to find a new dentist and may as well do it in toronto.

who has a good dentist in toronto? what is their name? how cutting edge are they?

i'm looking for a good dentist who's friendly and keeps up on modern trends in dentistry. i'm looking for a dentist's office where they clean your teeth with the sonic tools instead of the old school spinny polisher thingy.

help me seymore, help me!

a house becomes a home...

okay, so we're not quite there yet, but we're a step closer. this weekend astrid came by to help us do some cleaning and organizing. it was a very productive day.

the plan was to do sunday too, but we couldn't get the shed we wanted to assemble back to the house, so she's coming this saturday instead of last sunday (that sentence made sense in my head, just in case you're wondering...)

she has also agreed to be our cleaning person on a weekly basis until the end of the year.

and she's agreed to paint our bathrooms for us.

and she's agreed to cook for us for a dinner party.

i have a goal in mind. the goal is to a) get lots of stuff done that we keep not managing to do (see the first 3 points) and b) hire astrid to do it so that by the end of the year i have paid her at least $1000.

i am facinated by the project and i want to be a part of it, i want to contribute to it, and, well, i want to get the stuff done around the house. the only thing here that i wasn't already planning on doing was the dinner party, we were planning on getting someone to paint for us and someone to clean for us. i guess this is a bit of a riff on paddy's 'you need an assistant' comment, these were thing i decided to do in order to meet that need, and the dinner party, well, that just seemed fun, and she's a foodie like me, so she's into it.

here's the thing, i'm going to be spending more money than originally planned because of the project, but i'm excited to do it. for the first time in my life i'm in a position where i can do it too, so why the hell not.

so, all i can say is, hire astrid. hire her, hire her now. stephen, you said hiring someone to help you and andy prep for the move was tempting, well, do it. seriously. it's worth it. astrid's great, and it feels so nice to not only have the help, but also have the added side bonus of contributing to someone's project. other people, find something. my friend jeff gave her $3 'cause she showed him a stretch to help his pain in the ass (so much more fun to say than sciatica). so, you know, whatever you can think of, do it.

i actually had an idea that is food related. if you are a foodie but not a cook, maybe astrid could make you some homemade frozen dinners. or they could be the lunch you take to work.

what i'm trying to say here is hire astrid. i don't know how far astrid will travel, she just got back from a long roadtrip, i'm guessing she's not up for a drive to p.e.i. to clean a guinea pig cage, but it can't hurt to ask...

Monday, October 17, 2005

glutton for punishment

apparently if you're applying for a government job it is helpful to put "glutton for punishment" on your resume in the skills section, or at the very least mention it in your cover letter.

as i stumbled from my office at 9:30pm and fell into a cab i couldn't help but puzzle over what exactly it was about civil servants that makes us torture ourselves like this.

the fact that there were 3 cabs just hanging out in front of the government office buildings waiting for people like me to fall into them was an indication that i am not alone in this self-punishing behaviour of 14 hour days without even a coffee break. *eyeroll*

if i were in the private sector doing what i'm doing i could probably make close to twice as much money as i make now. i always said i wanted to be in the government for three reasons, first, the idea that i am doing work that actually helps people in the long run, work that goes to serving the public good instead of serving the making of the almighty dollar (don't get me wrong, i don't have a problem with a capitalist society, i just feel like money isn't important enough to me to spend my energy on increasing a stock price). the second was that i was under the impression that work life balance was a big deal in the government, that you could put in your 8 hours a day and then go home (where i got this idea i will never know, since my dad was a civil servant and he worked late every day, i guess i just figured he was a workoholic and it had nothing to do with his job). the third was the progressive benefits offered, i don't mean healthcare, i can get that in the private sector, i mean things like, compressed work weeks (four 10hr days a week instead of five 8hr ones), self-funded leave (work for 4 years being paid 3/4 pay, then take the last one off and get the pay that you saved up while getting paid less), stuff like that.

yeah, well, turns out i still work long frickin' hours, i could be doing that in private sector and making shite loads of money and not having any time to spend it... also, for all those fun benefits (including healthcare) you need to be permanent, which i'm not, i'm still going contract to contract.

but the answer lies in the first reason. the idea of working to help people. i work in the public service, the work i do serves the public. i work with two ministries right now that have the honour of helping the vulnerable. i get to work on projects that help put more beds in woman's shelters, that help public education campaigns about domestic violence, that help kids get a strong start on socialization and education, and so on and so on and so on. i'm bitching about the hours i work, but the truth is, i love my job. i love the work i do and i love the feeling i get from doing it. i am one lucky ducky.

and i guess it's because of (insane) people like me that there is a line of cabs out front of the office complex that houses many of the province's civil servants at 9:30pm on a Monday night. *eyeroll*

Friday, October 14, 2005

no time to post, but...

just so you know, it was AMAZING.

it closes in toronto tomorrow, so try as hard as you can to get there, i say this with all seriousness.

if you're not in toronto, check out the touring schedule to see if it's coming to a theatre near you, seriously, if it's within a 3 hour drive, it's worth going just for the play.

Thursday, October 13, 2005

the play is the thing

tonight john and jeff and i are going to see bigger than jesus.

i am VERY excited.

it's playing at factory theatre until sunday, john's seen it before and said it was the best thing he's ever seen.

Wednesday, October 12, 2005

for the toronto folks - need restaurant help again

okay guys, i need restaurant help again.

what's a nice reasonably priced restaurant in and around the bathurst and adelaide area?

we're going to a play at factory theatre tomorrow (thursday) and want to grab dinner first.

i guess if no one has anything for that area then something in the queen west area would be good, 'cause we'll just take the queen street car there anyway...

Tuesday, October 11, 2005

this weekend is *the* weekend - yippeee!

so, remember when i told you i was going to hire someone to help pull the house together?

well, this is the weekend. productive we will be. build we will. yoda i am.

we're getting some ikea stuff to put together, a shed to provide some extra storage (brilliant idea from my mum, i am surrounded by brilliant women...) since the house has none, and some general organization stuff.

and the best part? not only are we helping out someone in need of money and getting stuff done that has been dragging me down, we are also contributing to an art project! yep. you read that correctly. organizing our house is a work of art.

the woman who we are hiring to help us is an artist who is making a documentary film about making money. so, she's going to work away, while someone follows her around and films everything. how fun is that?!!?

if you want to find out more about her project check out her website. the project is called 'my million dollar year'. the premis is that she's going to aim to make a million dollars in a year, and track how she does it. now, she's not going to come close, in fact, i'm betting she won't make $100K, lucky in fact to make $50K, but it's the documenting of the process that is important to the project, not the reaching of the goal.

anyway, it's very cool that we get to contribute to someone's art project AND get stuff accomplished around our house.

Monday, October 10, 2005

experience is everything

while watching television one day, john and i saw a commercial for toilet paper.

it was an ad explaining how this toilet paper was new and improved.

the ad exclaimed that this toilet paper was "now more absorbent!"

john, with a great deal of derision, clicked his tongue and said "pffppptt, since when does toilet paper need to be absorbent?!?"

i looked at john and blinked.

i continued to look at john with a bit of a quizical and incredulous look on my face.

finally john, who had been watching me blink said "what?"

with my head cocked to one side i finally said "um, well, it's important to me that it's absorbent several times a day..."

john said something along the lines of "oh, yeah, right..."

i guess it's not something you think of if you don't pee from something tucked away in your body...

Thursday, October 06, 2005

the theory of playing hard to get

have you read this already? well, scroll down to see the updated text in purple.

if there was one thing i never understood, it was the theory of playing-hard-to-get. why in the world would anyone do something so silly? why waste time like that? i tend to avoid those kinds of mind games like the plague.

that is until now…

in the last couple of weeks i've had an epiphany.

there's this guy, a fellow blogger, (who i'm relatively certain doesn't read my blog, so i think i'm safe talking about this. if he does read it, really, that's fine to, i'm not here to slam the guy or anything, especially since it has been interactions with him that have led me to this epiphany, which means i learned from him, and learning is good.) lets call him bill (obviously not his name, so you bills out there, don't worry, i'm not talking about you...), who i've been emailing with of late.

i don't really know how to describe bill, but let me try.

bill is nothing particularly special. (my little after-the-fact update here, i had yet another epiphany - apparently bill is good for triggering epiphanies for me - the reason bill doesn't seem particularily interesting to me has nothing to do with whether or not he is actually interesting - in fact, i'm sure he is interesting - but that's not the point, it has everything to do with the fact that he has hardly told me anything about himself, about what makes him tick, none of kind of things you tell someone you're trying to see if you want to start a friendship with them. bill isn't interesting to me because bill has been so closed off that he is basically a non-entity to me.) okay, that's horribly unfair. i don't really know bill, certainly not well enough to say something like that, plus, i really do believe that everyone is special in their own way. soooo... lets put it another way: there is nothing about bill that leaps out at me. there is nothing about bill that makes me think 'ooh, i want to get to know that guy'. there is nothing about bill that particularly piques my interest. except one thing. one little tiny thing. ready for it?

he could care less about me.

yep, you read that right. all the signals i'm getting from bill are that he wouldn't notice if i dropped off the face of the earth, and that his infrequent replies to my emails are out of politeness and nothing more. which means essentially, that bill feels the same way about me, as i do about him. which should be perfect, right?

except, for some psychotic reason, the fact that he doesn't like me (nor, i think, does he dislikes me, i think he's just ambivalent towards me) makes me desperately want to make him like me.

what. the. fuck. is. that.?

i mean, seriously people, what, am i in grade 9? (as a total aside, i just about wrote 'the 9th grade', apparently i slipped into the USA wormhole momentarily, weird...)

here's the truth... and oh boy is it going to sound like i am one stuck-up bitch, but anyway... the truth is, i'm not used to people not liking me. as a general rule, people like me. they may not want to fuck me, but they sure like talking to me and drinking with me. i'm a likable person. so, sometimes, when someone doesn't like me, it throws me for a loop. it get wrapped up in some highly convoluted web of thoughts where i'm doing something wrong and i need to fix it. (hey, i said people generally like me, i didn't say i was mentally stable...)

this is where the lesson comes in. this is how i learned that sometimes, playing-hard-to-get works...

bill ignores me. even though i don't find bill particularly interesting, i am suddenly and inexplicably dying for his attention. the more he ignores me, the more i want the fucker to send me an email.

now, who knows. maybe bill and i would get along like a house on fire if we ever met. maybe we'd be jumping on each others genitalia like there's no tomorrow (gotta get a big rude jake quote in where ya can... even if it confuses people because it suddenly sounds like i want to fuck the guy, when really i’m just talking friendship). but really, from our email conversations, where he has been less than engaged and certainly lacking in lustre, i wouldn't be putting big money on us becoming best friends or anything.

so, really, i shouldn't care. at all. in any way, shape or form.

why does his disinterest interest me so much?

that part i don't have an answer for. the epiphany was only a one part deal.

the epiphany was the sudden understanding of the appeal of someone who is playing-hard-to-get. although i would never use it as a ploy to attract someone (pretty much opposite to my personality, i’m a much more come-and-get-me kind of person), i can, i suppose, see why others upon occasion do - because sometimes it might just generate results.

i feel it important to point out here that i don’t think bill is, in any way, playing hard to get, i think his disinterest is genuine. i’m not accusing anyone of playing mind-games here.

also, i guess since i'm putting in addendums i may as well say (because i imagine someone will ask), the reason i started talking to bill was two fold. first, because his blog did pique my interest and even once we started emailing unexciting things back and forth i held out hope that we'd meet and have a pint and more of the blog would come through than the email and maybe i'd have a new toronto friend. and second because i had a friend who told me that they thought bill and i would in fact get along like a house on fire. they later retracted that saying that upon further reflection that might not be the case, but the first statement stuck with me.

and finally, i think part of what this is about (this just dawned on me as i was typing the bit above for some reason, it has something to do with the retraction of the the idea that bill and i would get along like a burning building) is a challenge. i think sometimes there is a natural attraction to a challenge. making bill like me is a challenge.

oh, and, because this entry *obviously* isn't long enough yet, before anyone asks, yeah, i have stopped emailing him. right around the time i had that epiphany in fact... but if he starts emailing me again, i suspect i'll write back. if he wants to go for beer, i suspect i'll go. i am the eternal optimist. i still think it's worth a couple hours at a pub to find out if he's friend material, but i would probably go without high hopes.

in the land of the living (sort of...)

well, i'm at work.

yep, you read that right, the woman who hasn't eaten solid food in 5 days dragged her ass into work.

i'm facilitating a meeting today, so i couldn't not come in. so, here i am. wheeeee.

no one will come near me, some people have actually (and with good reason) outright refused to come into my office.

mandy said she was going to hug me when i got back, but has decided against taking such measures.

that's right, i'm a pariah, woe is me. ;)

meh. it's not all that bad really, and i'm pretty happy to be out of the house and upright, even if i am still sick. i was going insane with boredom.

although, i did get caught up on a lot of blog reading while i was down and out...

who knows, maybe i'll be healthy in time for the long weekend, that would be nice...

Wednesday, October 05, 2005

charicature of a sick person

today i have recovered enough that i can sleep. this is great and welcome progress.

however, i feel like a charicature of a sick person.

i lay in bed, sheets and pillows rumpled around be because i'm tossing and turning. a box of kleenex beside my head and at the ready, and dirty kleenexes littering the bed because it is too far to lean over to throw them out.

i could be in a movie.

i feel like someone said "okay, show us a sick person" and i immediately provided them a tableau.

that's me, known for being typical...

Tuesday, October 04, 2005


hmmm, must find time to take some self-portraits... october is breast cancer awareness month and the boobiethon is back on.

this year i plan to submit a picture of my ample bosom. but, um, perhaps i'll wait until i'm feeling a wee bit less diseased before i do...

i'm going to put out a specific call to daelyn on this one, she has a lovely boob shot that i think she should post... i also think that st. snafu should send something in. and louise, i really think louise should 'cause i remember once seeing a pic of her boobies on her partner's blog, and well, they deserve a lot of attention , but, well, i don't know her well enough to put a call out there, i'm just, you know, planting the seed of an idea. ;)

hell, why don't we all do it? come on, lets all become exhibitionists for a month. *grin*

getting a handle on time, and drinking more wine...

i was reading through adrants and came upon this little tidbit.

the bit that piqued my interested the most was this:
Wine maker Beringer recently conducted a study found more than half of respondents don't leave work on time but 28 percent would if they had social engagements with friends and family planned.
i know this is absolutely true for me, and i personally think it's very clever to turn this around into an ad campaign.

the gods take their revenge...

i am not exactly sure what i did to offend the gods so, but it must have been a heinous crime. i shall spend my time pondering exactly what it might have been.

what other reason could it be? my punishment i mean. for what other reason could i be punished so?

what does the punishment consist of you ask? well, if you wish i will divulge the oh-so-gorry details, but my friends, you have been warned. those of you with a weak constitution should read no further, for those who do, do so at their own peril

to call what i have a cold is to call a lion a cute pussy cat. i have all the standard things one expects with a cold, stuffed up, runny nose, sore throat, head ache, body ache and starting today a cough as well.

but that is not all. no no my friends, that is not all. and here is where only the brave should continue...

i also have a cold sore, a yeast infection, an anal fissure and diarrhea (particularily horrible with the aforementioned fissure - and i do realise it didn't need a link, but it looked lonely without one).

at this specific moment i am feeling woozy and lightheaded, but i am not sure that this is a specific symptom of the cold, but rather perhaps just a general feeling of total and utter overwhelmedness...

Monday, October 03, 2005

sicky sick sick sick

so, any grandious plans of getting things done thing weekend went down the toilet, they were following my health, just to see where it was going.

so far, the plans have not yet caught up with my health, which means it is still missing.

here's hoping my health is found soon.

on a positive note, the cbc will be back very very soon. which makes me very very happy.

Saturday, October 01, 2005

boy, they must have been dissappointed...

so, sometimes, just for fun, i go through and see what search terms bring people here. it's not a huge part of my traffic, but it's there occassionally. one of the more recent search strings that brought someone to my blog was "brother sister taboo". i can only imagine that they were very dissappointed when they got here... it was result number 57 on sympatico's search engine. at the top of the page (number 51) was the wikipedia definition of incest.

i'm guessing with that particular search string, this person wasn't looking for definitions of insest, or a blog where a woman talks about, well, whatever the hell i talk about on this thing. i will leave it to your ample imaginiations what i suspect they were looking for...

my favourite CBC lockout site

i've been crusing some blogs of people locked out. there's a lot of anger there (which i can absolutely understand), i have to wonder how long it will take the heal, even after management invites them home again.

in the meantime though, here's a very fun lock out site. it's called Adventures of Pedro the Locked Out Gnome. it would appear to be an homage to Amélie, only, instead of the context of travelling the world, it's travelling the picket lines.

very nicely done.

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