Sunday, September 30, 2007

apparently my brain turned off...

so, I've been fighting a cold for a while now. spent today in bed. On the way back to Toronto from the country today I thought "oh, I have been meaning to blog about that and still haven't, I'll do that as soon as I get home".

I have no idea what "that" was. Not the faintest clue. I do know that there has been something jangling about in my head that I've been meaning to write about, but yeah, no idea what it might be.

I have decided to blame this on the cold I am fighting. handy, no?

Thursday, September 27, 2007

good news...

First, apparently my avoidance thing doesn't extend to while I'm at work. When I'm there I am doing just fine at starting things and getting them done. Which is a relief. Because if I wasn't I'd have to add feeling guilty onto my list...

Also, it would appear that we will have a new roof by Thanksgiving weekend. Yay!

Bad news - we need a $2K deposit for this weekend, and the balance (probably another $3K or so) next weekend...

Good news - Water will no longer pour into our house when it rains...

See how it all works out in the end? ;)


geeze. i could write a book about avoidance. but, i'd avoid writing it, so maybe not.

i don't know what's going on these days. i'm avoiding everything. not because it's particularly bad or anything, but just because apparently i'd rather do things that involve turning off my brain. i'm watching a lot of veronica mars lately...

and there isn't a pattern to what i'm avoiding. it's everything. going to work (i mean, i'm going, but i shuffle my feet around the house and wait until the absolute last second to go...), leaving work, doing laundry, making dinner, grocery shopping, planning thanksgiving dinner (the kind of thing i usually adore), calling the roof guy, and so on and so on.

i seem to be stuck. but stuck at nothing in particular.

it's a weird place to be in.

okay, well, i'm close to that last possible second on the going to work thing, so i should be going...

Monday, September 24, 2007

sigh - faith based school funding, wtf

so, there's an election campaign going on here. one party is making a big deal about saying that they will bring all faith based schools into the public school system (right now, for some bizarre reason, Ontario has a public system that includes catholic schools)

isn't this kind of backwards?

he says it's because it's unfair to fund only one religion and we need to be inclusive. i agree with him there. it's ridiculous to fund one religion and not the others. but really, why not just not fund any religions?

i guess technically we don't have separation of state and religion in Canada, but, ugh. i don't know, i'm not sure what i was going to say, and i have to rush away anyway.

but yeah, seems dumb. seems dumb that there are any religious schools funded. no religious schools in the public system. how hard is that?!?!!?

Thursday, September 20, 2007


I feel like I should be writing something, but I haven't the faintest clue what.

So, what does one do in this situation?

Well, crib from the interweb of course. This is from an email I recieved 800 million years ago...

1. Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and becamea famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted tomuch. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.

2. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft, itsank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

3. A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the barand announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

4. Two vultures board an airplane, each carrying three dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at them and says, "Sorry, gentlemen, only two carrions allowed perpassenger."

5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? He wanted to transcend dental medication.

6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the managercame out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."

7. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain, and they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes that she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They are twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

8. These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a smallflorist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, arival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathersto close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. Theyignored him, so the rival florist hired Hugh Mac Taggert, the roughest and most viciousthug in town to pursue them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their storesaying he would be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, proving that,only Hugh can prevent Florist Friars.

9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, whichproduced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath, this made him what? Oh, man, this is so bad... A super callused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

10. And finally, there was a person who sent ten different puns to friends,with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. Unfortunately, No Pun In Ten Did.

Sorry folks, I was desperate...

Tuesday, September 18, 2007

wet dreams

so, last night I had a new twist on a wet dream last night.

last night I dreamt that I borrowed someone's shower, and it was amazing.

It had all these incredible settings. rainforest, mist, swirl, even some setting called 'handcuffs', which I didn't try because I ran out of time and had to leave.

But I have to tell you, I want one of these divine magical showers.

Hopefully dreams really do come true...

Monday, September 17, 2007

sometimes movies suck

i'm watching 28 weeks later with john right now.

it sucks.

i really enjoyed 28 days, but 28 weeks is all just about 'oooh, look how scary it is'. i'm really not into 'ooo, so scary'

plus, the 'action' bits are so fucking loud that i have to turn the tv to 5 volume, but then when there is any kind of dialogue it's way quieter and I have to bring it to 15.


Friday, September 14, 2007

Transit pet-peeves

No, I'm not going to talk about the 10 cent raise in transit fare or the $10 a month increase in the cost of transit passes ($109 per month, sigh) that was just announced in Toronto.

No, my pet peeve is people with backpacks. How is it that people with backpacks can't see how much extra space their bag takes up? Everyday I see someone get whacked by a backpack from some shelb who can't be bothered to take it off.

I understand it's not a hard and fast rule. If the bus/streetcar/subway isn't too packed, then sure, leave the backpack on. As long as it's not so big it totally blocks the walkway (yes, I've seen this too).

But where is the common sense / common courtesy on those crowded transit vehicles? It really drives me batty. I'm sick of being hit with bags, having to engage in the bag obstacle course to get to the back (people staying at the front instead of moving back is a whole other rant), and watching as bags whack others as they walk by. I've even seen a situation where a little kid was actually knocked over because someone turned quickly and the bag whacked her in the shoulders and head.

Come on people, I know it's a pain in the ass to take your bag on and off, I know, because I take mine on and off, and it is kind of a pain in the ass. But too bad, because I'm the one who has decided to carry a backpack and so I have to be responsible for it.


Tuesday, September 11, 2007

On therapy...

I've mentioned here before that I fully believe that not everyone *needs* therapy, but that everyone can benefit from it.

Part of my ongoing correspondence with someone about thearpy:

My two cents on therapy - It's totally okay to tell the therapist that you're wary of therapy, and why. I believe it's something that should be put out there.

I'm a big believer in 4 sessions before you make a decision about a therapist, it takes time to develop trust and know whether you're okay with the person. But I also think it's really important to know that therapists are people, and you may not connect with them. Not every therapist works for every person. So, it's important to remember that if it isn't working out for you with one person that doesn't mean it's not going to work, you always have the option of trying someone else. And therapists know this too, so you don't need to be worried about hurting their feelings by switching to someone else.

I know that for me I saw several therapists at different times in my life before I found someone who made a difference for me. My doctor said to me "mainja, you're a very smart woman and you know how to convince people of things that you want them to believe, which is what you've done with other therapists. You need someone as smart as you who will tell you to cut the bullshit and call you out when you're doing your susie sunshine everything is okay routine." I had a very blunt doctor. *grin* So, it was the person that she found for me that finally worked for me. I don't think that would be as much of an issue for me now, because I no longer work so hard to hide my pain when I'm with a therapist, but that's what I needed to have a 'breakthrough'.

The other thing it's important to know is that therapy is hard. You may feel better right away, but you also may start bringing up old stuff that you have buried away and it's going to hurt before it heals. In some ways it's kind of like if a bone that is broken has healed the wrong way, a doctor is going to have to re-break the bone to set it properly, and it's going to hurt while they do that, but after it's been set it can heal properly, then it's going to feel better than it did before it had to be re-set. I say this not to scare you, but because I personally find it much easier to deal with things knowing what may lay ahead.

The last therapy thing - therapy is only about how you react to things. It cannot change external situations, only how you deal with them.

I told you before about how for me therapy helped me react to my dad in a different way, to deal with my interactions in a different way. It didn't change the way he acted towards me, but it changed the way I internalized those things.

There is no way to change those around you, it is only about learning how to accept those actions and change how you react to them. Which of course is why it can be so difficult. It takes time, but it is well worth it. I can't begin to tell you how much better my relationship with dad is now since I have learned to do that.

It's kind of like the serenity prayer used in 12 step programs. It begins with "God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference." There is a lot of wisdom in those words.

Monday, September 10, 2007

the new digs

So, my new place of work is a cube. Not the end of the world. We all knew the offices were an anomaly and were going to go at some point.

My new cube has big huge windows that face south down Bay street. I forgot to bring my camera to show you.

There are two challenges.

The first is that the way my office is configured the only place to put my computer means it's backlit by a big sunny window. I squint while I type.

The second is that the only way to pull down the blinds is to climb over the desks onto the window sill, and I really am not a climb on the desk kind of person.

Oh, and one other thing, that really shouldn't matter, but is still irksome, my computer monitor faces the world (we have no back walls, only side ones, that way more light gets into the space) so everyone can see what I'm working on. This is fine, but it will be interesting to see if it leads to a situation of people commenting on what I'm working on as they walk past.

Mostly though I'm sticking with the 'change is good' theory.

Sunday, September 09, 2007

taking on too much

So, the last year has been a bit insane.

We bought a country house in January (rent in the city).

I started reviewing theatre for blogTO, also somewhere around January.

Work has been crazy busy (mostly due to under-staffing I think).

The result has been that I have alway felt like I'm on the go, stretched too thin, and not able to do some of the really important things in life, like see friends. I've been totally socially unavailable for a gazillion years now (well, not quite a year, but it feels like a gazzilion).

Don't get me wrong. These are all great and exciting changes. I feel really lucky to have them in my life, and to have the opportunity to experience them. But the flip side is that I've been neglecting the important things. Which, oddly enough, includes this blog.

It would appear that this blog, and the relationships it helps to maintain for me, is really important in my life. I mean, hell, if I never had this blog I would never have met Dickey, who has become a really good friend and someone who is very important to me. Who, coincidentally enough, I haven't seen in gazillion years, because, well, because of all the reasons already mentioned.

And here's the thing, I miss Dickey. And all my other friends too. I can't tell you the last time I hung out with Noone, in fact, I don't want to think about how long it's been since I've hung out with him, because considering how important he is to me and what a huge part of my life he is, it's really quite embarrassing how much time has elapsed since we had time together.

So, here we are, September, the month that was the start of the new year for so many years of our lives. And I'm making some changes. Seems like this blog is full of entries where I say I'm going to make changes, and not so full of follow ups saying what those changes are.

Well, this post is a listing of 'new year's resolutions' that are already underway:

First change - You guys already know about this, but John and I are going to downsize on our city place. Right now we rent a house, which means there is a lot of maintenance, and if something goes wrong we fix it and so on and so on. Moving into a smaller place, in a building, will mean less maintenance time, which means a smidge more free time. Not to mention a couple extra bucks in our pockets again so we can afford to go for a pint and stuff. (A side part of this is that the apartment we're hoping to move into is just below Noone's, which means hopefully I'll get to see him lots more, because we can do the 'what are you doing, wanna watch a movie' thing, even if we're already in pj's because we won't need to go outside.)

Second change - Although I will still be reviewing theatre for blogTO, I have found someone who is willing to split the column with me, so I will be doing it every second week. This is FAR better. It was taking around 3 nights a week, one night to go, one night to write, and one night to plan (including what play, who to go with, arranging with other writers, blah blah blah)

Third change - Well, kind of a sub-section of the second change, but... Instead of trying to find a new person to bring to every play I go to, I'm going to have a core group of people that I'm going to go to shows with, and plan things a couple months in advance. That way the time (and stress) spent finding a show-partner will be diminished. Oh - for those who haven't read any of my stuff at blogTO, I go with a show-partner so that there are two perspectives, so that people aren't stuck with just one persons opinion. It's a format I chose, and that I was very excited about, and still am actually, but I hadn't thought through how much work the different show partners thing was going to be.

Fourth change - I don't talk about work on here at all generally, but I'll take a quick stab at it here. Work is changing. We have more staff (we were short staffed for a while) so there is less need for the working until 7 or 8pm. We are moving offices, new place starting Monday. And we're doing a bit of navel gazing about what we should be doing. All of this adds up to an opportunity for a fresh start. I'm pretty excited actually. It's going to be an interesting little while. This isn't for a second to say that it doesn't have it's downs, there are times when I think I'm going to go insane, but I don't know, I think all jobs are like that. So, not to imply that all is roses and moonbeam, but I am still excited at the prospect of this 'fresh start'. It's kind of like the excitement of switching jobs, without having to switch jobs. I'm sensing lots of opportunities for learning and breadth of experience ahead, but all within the context of a good amount of staff, and therefore reasonable hours.

So, those are the four major changes.

And now I'll stop writing, because I just noticed that this is a stupidly long entry.

The short version - I'm not just talking about things that are frustrating me, I'm doing something about it. Changes are afoot. I am going to get to see my friends again in the next year. I am excited.

Friday, September 07, 2007

movin' on up...

my life is full of moves right now.

today our office moves to another location, so I had clear out two and a half years of crap, and I'm still not done, but I will be done by noon when the movers come. The clearing out part of this is important because right now i'm in a big office, when we move we all end up with small cubicles, so I'm also taking time to cull.


We're downsizing in Toronto. Since we now have the country house we are looking to get a smaller place to save money, and save time on maintenance, which means we're looking to move into an apartment building. This is very Toronto-centric but - my dream would be to move into the building at 40 Alexander, but they don't have any one-bedrooms available.

My guess is that we'll be moving into Dickey's old building, which is Nooneaskedus' current building.

So, lots of moves in my life right now.

Wednesday, September 05, 2007


I wrote this to someone today, and thought it was maybe interesting enough to post here...

I wouldn't be surprised if you were depressed. It's just a medical condition like any other. And the truth is it runs in families, and blank and I have both been diagnosed with chronic depression and are on medication for it, so really, it would be no surprise that it extends in our family further than just blank and me.

As for the medication, it of course has to be a personal decision, but it isn't about being strong or weak. It isn't about giving up. It isn't about escaping. It isn't even about being happy. It's about treating an illness, the same way insulin injections are about treating the body's inability to produce insulin in people with juvinile diabetes, anti-depressants are about treating the chemial imbalance in the brain in people with depression.

It's the same as me taking levothyroxine because my thyroid doesn't function properly and does not produce enough thyroxine naturally. It wouldn't matter how tough I was, my thyroid would still not function properly. Depression is the same way. No matter how tough I am, I can't change the chemical imbalance in my brain on my own, as with any other medical condition, I need to take medication to change this physical reality in my body.

All of that said, because of the way that so many people view depression and the misunderstanding around it, it takes a lot of strength to accept help and to take the medication. It's generally pretty bloody hard for someone to muster that strength when they're depressed, because, well, they're depressed. It's the brutal Catch 22, not strong enough to help one's self, but can't get strong enough to do it without the very thing one is not strong enough to take. The hope is that in time everyone finds what is right for them. The truth is though that in a lot of cases the illness (depression) is so strong that it distorts things too much for people to find the ability to treat it. I guess everyone has to find their own way, being able to accept help is one of the hardest things, but also the most useful and brave.

I know you have said you will never go to a psychiatrist again, and I suspect that goes for therapists too, but therapists are different that psychiartists, and do take a different approach. Again it is a personal choice, but I whole heartedly believe that not everyone *needs* therapy, but EVERYONE can benefit from therapy. And I do think it would help for you to have someone to talk to.

I guess the other thing about going on anti-depressants is that you don't have to tell anyone. If you're worried that people won't understand and will judge you, or just generally worried about what they will think, then just don't tell them.

I remember one of the scariest things about going on anti-depressants was being worried about what happens if they don't work. If they don't work then I have to accept that it isn't an illness and that it's just me, something wrong with me and the way I think, and that this is it forever.
The truth is, if that's the case it's better to know, but it was too hard for me to think about that when I was depressed.

The key thing about anti-depressants is that they aren't happy pills. And they aren't valume. You don't feel them in that way. They are medication that I (and gazzilion others) take to help them re-enter the real world. To help take the distortion away from perceptions.

If you do decide to consider taking medication and want to know more about it, or more about depression in general let me know. It's a topic I know an awful lot about, both from first-hand experience and from lots and lots of research.

Um, yeah, that's it. Just thought it was worth putting up here.

Tuesday, September 04, 2007

Maggie Gyllenhaal, bringing a smile to pants everywhere

John has a thing for Maggie Gyllenhaal, and really, why wouldn't he? She's bloody hot.

So, needless to say, I made his night when I sent him this link...

And really, yum.

Sunday, September 02, 2007

orgasm faces

So, I was on the subway the other day for a long time. Usually I'm only on the subway for a couple stops, but I was heading basically to the end of the line on this one, so, as you can imagine, I started to get a bit bored.

I decided to pass the time with a fun little game I made up (I'm sure 800 million other people have made up the same game...) I looked around and imagined the orgasm face of the passengers. Generally it made me do little internal giggles.

But there is a dangerous side to this game.

Every once in a while your eyes may light upon a face that you reallyreallyreallyreallyreally don't want to imagine in it's coital state, but my friends, you've already started down that path. Your mind goes without your concent to that place, because intertia is a powerful force, and you were already moving down that path.

So, this is my little word of warning, the orgasm face game can be a dangerous one. You may encounter things you wish you had never imagined.

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