Tuesday, October 31, 2006

wishing for poignancy

i was talking to a friend about the evolution of my blog.

i'm not very excited by the place where my blog is these days.

these days my blog has turned into little more than a mass email to friends. which is kind of exciting on one hand, because it means that i have developed a group of friends based on my blog. i love that. i love the communities that develop around insights into a stranger's life.

for instance, i feel like i have something invested in knotty's life, even though he lives far away from me, i've never talked to him in real life, i have in fact never even exchanged an email with him. or with louise, who also lives a bazillion miles away, but who i have reveled in watching over the years.

i also love that through my blog i made a wonderful real life friend in dickey, so much so that i had the privledge of attending his wonderful wedding in the summer.

and the list goes on and on with people that i feel somehow close to simply because of my blog and theirs.

but i also feel that my blog has suffered in the process. i feel like it's become a dull piece, only interesting to those who know me already (virtually or in real life).

i don't know, i mean, that's not a problem. blogs are many things to many people. there is a blog for everything. and frankly, it's not like i have some niche market to appeal to. but still, i feel like one of the things that has really suffered as my life has become so busy is my blog. and lets be clear, when i say life, i don't mean something interesting like checking out new bands every week, i mean work. work work work and more work.

a long time ago torn said that i should write every day, even if i didn't have anything to say. i think it's time i took that advice to heart.

it's kind of like when i started journaling as part of therapy lo these many years ago, and the advice my therapist gave me was that i should commit to writing for 15 minutes a day, and if i didn't know what to write i should write "i don't know what to write" over and over again until something came to me.

so, we'll see how long this lasts, but i think i'm going to try to make a commitment to write a blog post every day, even if the post is only one sentence long.

i guess this is all part of my 'i'm almost back' phase.

the truth is i get a lot out of blogging. i get a lot out of the comments. i get a lot out of the connections with people. but i also get a lot from just the pure fact of writing.

so bare with me as i do some work to rediscover myself. who knows, it might be 6 days of boring shit, but there might be something worth while every once in a while.

and here is the first of the promised weekly pictures. we're looking at buying a school house as a 'cottage' type vacation home, this is a picture i took while looking at one of those spaces this weekend.

okay, i promise there was a picture to go here, but blogger is not cooperating with me right now...

i'm almost back

so, i seem to have cycled back to blogging, well, in my head anyway.

i figure it's a good sign that once again i am thinking about things and thinking "ooh, i'd like to blog about that".

because, even though i forget about it long before i am in a position to actually put fingers to keyboard and get it into my blog, at least i'm thinking about it again.

it's remarkable actually, i'm slowly remembering what life is like. i'm getting out of work on time. i'm getting to bed at a vaguely reasonable time. i'm not feeling frantic all the time.

tonight my friend di is coming over to hang out with me while we hand out candy. wednesday i'm ushering for a play so i get to see theatre. look at that people! social! theatre! life!

so, stick with me folks, i might be back. ;)

oh, and i think i'm going to do a photo post at least once a week. we'll see how that works out, but i think i'm going to. but i'm going to do full frame un-retouched photos because i'm lazy and can't be bothered with photoshop.

Monday, October 30, 2006

public bathrooms

I just got this in my email and I thought I'd dedicate it to Snooze...


When you have to visit a public bathroom, you usually find a line of women, so you smile politely and take your place. Once it's your turn, you check for feet under the stall doors. Every stall is occupied.

Finally, a door opens and you dash in, nearly knocking down the woman leaving the stall. You get in to find the door won't latch. It doesn't matter.

The dispenser for the modern "seat covers" (invented by someone's Mom, no doubt) is handy, but empty. You would hang your purse on the door hook,if there were one, but there isn't - so you carefully but quickly drape it around your neck, (Mom would turn over in her grave if you put it on the FLOOR!), yank down your pants, and assume "The Stance."

In this position your aging, toneless thigh muscles begin to shake.You'd love to sit down, but you certainly hadn't taken time to wipe the seat or lay toilet paper on it, so you hold "The Stance."

To take your mind off your trembling thighs, you reach for what you discover to be the empty toilet paper dispenser. In your mind, you can hear your mother's voice saying, "Honey, if you had tried to clean the seat, you would have KNOWN there was no toilet paper!" Your thighs shake more.

You remember the tiny tissue that you blew your nose on yesterday - the one that's still in your purse. That would have to do. You crumple it in the puffiest way possible. It is still smaller than your thumbnail.

Someone pushes open your stall door because the latch doesn't work. The door hits your purse, which is hanging around your neck in front of your chest,and you and your purse topple backward against the tank of the toilet. "Occupied!" you scream, as you reach for the door, dropping your precious, tiny, crumpled tissue in a puddle on the floor, lose your footing altogether, and slide down directly onto the TOILET SEAT. It is wet of course.

You bolt up, knowing all too well that it's too late. Your bare bottom has made contact with every imaginable germ and life form on the uncovered seat because YOU never laid down toilet paper - not that there was any, even if you had taken time to try.

You know that your mother would be utterly appalled if she knew, because, you're certain, her bare bottom never touched a public toilet seat because, frankly, dear, "You just don't KNOW what kind of diseases you could get."

By this time, the automatic sensor on the back of the toilet is so confused that it flushes, propelling a stream of water like a fire hose that somehow sucks everything down with such force that you grab onto the toilet paper dispenser for fear of being dragged in too. At that point, you give up.

You're soaked by the spewing water and the wet toilet seat.. You're exhausted. You try to wipe with a gum wrapper you found in your pocket and then slink out inconspicuously to the sinks. You can't figure out how to operate the faucets with the automatic sensors, so you wipe your hands with spit and a dry paper towel and walk past the line of women, still waiting. You are no longer able to smile politely to them.

A kind soul at the very end of the line points out a piece of toilet paper trailing from your shoe. (Where was that when you NEEDED it??) You yank the paper from your shoe, plunk it in the woman's hand and tell her warmly, "Here, you just might need this."

As you exit, you spot your hubby, who has long since entered, used and left the men's restroom. Annoyed, he asks, "What took you so long, and why is your purse hanging around your neck?"

This is dedicated to women everywhere who deal with a public restroom (rest??? you've got to be kidding!!). It finally explains to the men what really does take us so long. It also answers their other commonly asked question about why women go to the restroom in pairs.

It's so the other gal can hold the door, hang onto your purse and hand you Kleenex under the door.

Wednesday, October 25, 2006

random thoughts that occur during a conference

i suppose this is a bit like torn's friday snippets. they're random things i wrote down in my notebook at the conference i was at yesterday and the day before, usually during the not-so-dynamic speakers.

- sometimes i write just to watch the words appear on the page, it somehow seems a bit like magic, and it's amazing to watch

- i fell in love with my partner more than 12 years ago, that's coming pretty bloody close to half my life. officially we have 6 more years to go until it will be half my life, we got together when i was 18.

- people so rarely stop to see the other side of things. it is facinating to watch the look on someone's face when you present them with the other side of the story. i mean the actual other side, not just something along the lines of 'maybe it's...'

- maslow's hierarchy of needs seems so basica and common-sense, it's hard to imagine that this was somethign that needed to be defined. but then i am forced to wonder if the hierachy is built on that common sense, or if in fact the common sense is built on the acceptance and influence of the hierachy and it's just such a prolific thing now that we take it for granted.

- i really need new glasses.

- at times like these this i would enohy a blackberry. i'd really like to be able to welcome my friend who did the hawaii ironman competition (because, you know, people that insane, it's good to stay on their good side)

- the way our tastebuds adapt is very interesting. i used to hate lemon in water, now i kind of enjoy it.

- i used to like schmoozing for work things, i'm good at it. but these days i just find it tiring. it takes neergy and that seem sin high demand with low supply of late.

Monday, October 23, 2006

apparently i'm a prude

i have just discovered that i am a prude.

about a month ago i noticed a woman shaving her pubes at the gym. i thought it was a bit weird to do that at the gym (then realised i had no idea why i thought that).

since then i notice women doing in all the time.

this morning there were three women standing in a row all shaving their pubes. all had a perfect landing strip. i found myself wondering if this was in fact some kind of club...

anyway, club or no club, i still find it a bit weird. and i find it a bit weird that i find it a bit weird.

Thursday, October 19, 2006

dove 'evolution' video

Dove Evolution

i love this enough to have actually figured out how to put youtube on my blog, luckily it worked this time (unlike the last couple of times, but i digress...) but you can also find it at the dove campaign for real beauty site

tip o' the hat to tuckle rori on this one.

unwelcome thoughts

do you have a thought that always pops up in a certain situation that you really wish you didn't have?

i do.

for me it's that whenever i get on an elevator and i have to pee i suddenly become completely paranoid that the elevator is going to get stuck and i'm going to have to decide between the humiliation of peeing myself or the extreme pain of not peeing myself.

weird, huh?

Wednesday, October 18, 2006

how easily we forgot

i seem to have forgotten how to live my life.

i haven't done social stuff in eons.

i haven't read a book in ages.

i haven't gone to a play in yonks (apparently in my world yonks in terms of theatre is about 3 weeks...)

i haven't taken pictures in forever.

i haven't read a book in an eternity.

i have been so absorbed in work lately that the rest of my life quietly slipped away and i didn't even notice. i'm astounded at how easily it happened.

the problem is i'm still exhausted, still recovering. so it's hard to decide whether i should 'take some time off' (read: go straight home from work and sleep) for a week or two and then leap into social, or if i should just leap into social.

unfortunately, i apparently can't do anything in half measures, so i'm unlikely to plan just one social thing. once i start being social i'm going to want to see everyone, all the people that i haven't talked to in a blue moon.

perhaps i will build a schedule where i attempt to do things in half measures. for instance, tomorrow i will see theatre, not social because i'm volunteering (well, social, but with people i don't know) but still, a step towards my old life, the one i liked so much. then maybe i wil add into this schedule something social on saturday night, i guess i should start working on that one soon...

i guess what this post and my last post are both saying is that i need to start being deliberate in my life again. i got swept away in the current of insanity that was busy work and life and forgot how to live life the way i wanted to, without even noticing.

time to bring back that deliberate approach...

Tuesday, October 17, 2006

something new

well, this is odd.

lately i've been having feelings i can't identify.

i can't tell what i want / need.

normally i'm a pretty self-aware person. if i'm feeling something then generally i know what it is, i can identify it and act accordingly (even if accordingly is curl up into a ball and hope for it to pass).

but lately i have been having lots of moments where i can't identify my feelings.

i didn't notice this until this morning.

it's an odd thing. i suspect a side-effect of being so busy, not taking to the time to do any self-examination.

i'll start being more deliberate about that now....

Monday, October 16, 2006

fingers crossed

so, in theory things should calm down this week. i plan to leave work on time. we'll see how it goes.

so far i do have plans for tuesday, wednesday and thursday nights, but they're all good happy plans. tuesday i am helping a friend with interview prep, wednesday i'm getting a massage and thursday i am ushering at opening night of a play at passe muraille.

i'm trying to avoid making plans for the weekend, i would like to have the option of decompression time available. however, i am sorely tempted to gather a group of folks together to go to canada's wonderland for their haunted amusement park thingy "fearfest". it looks silly, but it's cheap entry into the park, and i haven't gone on those rides in a billion years. i don't know if i would suggest friday or saturday. my gut says saturday, but i think it's going to depend on the weather.

so, i'm going to make a bit more of an effort to try and get back into writing here now that things are hopefully calming down.

Friday, October 13, 2006

don't worry, i have today off...

but i worked late last night to make sure that everything was done, so i could be sure to be able to be away today. there were so many SNAFUs while working late that i started giggling incesantly.

SNAFU #1 - At 8pm the lights went out, I called the number to get them to turn back on (no, there is no light switch, you have to call a number and enter a code) and got nothing but a busy signal. I tried and tried at random intervals until about 8:30, never did manage to get them on, always a busy signal.

SNAFU #2 - Just as I finished the document I was working on and was about to print it to proof-read it my computer got a blue screen of death, did and did a physical memory dump. (thankfully it was saved on the network drive, so someone else was able to retrieve it today)

SNAFU #3 - I tried to log back into my machine and it wouldn't let me, then it locked me out of the system.

SNAFU #4 - The bathroom lights are on a motion sensor, apparently when the lights aren't on the motion sensor doesn't work in the bathroom. I had to pee with the stall door open so that I could see well enough to sit down and find the toilet paper.

I spent a lot of time giggling over this. It really is amazing how so much can happen in a short period of time...

Thursday, October 12, 2006

for those of you who watch battlestar galactica

if you were on the battlestar galactica fleet, wouldn't it suck if you had an identical twin...

Tuesday, October 10, 2006

i need home for a rest

but not because i'm so sick from the drink, and not because these so-called-vacations will soon be my death...

no no, just because i'm plain old wiped out.

because i haven't had a vacation.

because i'm so busy i barely get to go home to sleep.

because i seem to be getting a cold.

because i have a cold sore.

because my back seems to suddenly have decided to stop working.

because because because.

i'm officially exhausted.

i have loads to do at work, but i seem to be brain-dead right now. i can't seem to start one of the things i need to do. i'm avoiding it and i don't know why. the best answer i've been able to come up with is that i just don't want to do anything.


sorry, apparently i've just become a whiny bint, eventually i will be interesting again, i promise.

Friday, October 06, 2006

looking for suggestions

hey folks, i'm looking for suggestions for a vegetarian main dish to go with turkey dinner...

i'm looking for something high in protien and it can't be too spicy or have garlic, dairy, sesame, blueberries, cranberries, soy or cilantro in it. (this is a combination of several people's food sensitivities/allergies, not all from the same person).

i'm thinking some kind of chickpea casserole or something, but i've never done anything like that. anyone have any suggestions?

think hearty and full of protien...

Wednesday, October 04, 2006

Supportive vibes required on Thursday October 5th

okay folks, i have an interview tomorrow from 12pm-2pm (lunch is for suckers!) so i need you to send lots of supportive, positive, and convincing vibes to toronto from 12pm Eastern Standard Time (EST) to 2pm EST.

if you are already in toronto and would like to be more specific then let it be known that i will be on grenville, which is just north of the corner of bay and college.

don't forget, positive vibes...

Tuesday, October 03, 2006

today's observation

when i was down at the caf this morning i made an observation.

one of the workers was a man probably around my age, with a shaved head, and he was wearing a hairnet.

and not one of those all contained kinds either, and actual net kind.

so, obviously his head wasn't shaved, his hair was just invisible.

Sunday, October 01, 2006

a warm fuzzie

maybe you've seen this. maybe you haven't.

youtube isn't cooperating with me, so i can't blog it just now.

but here is the link. (yes, it absolutly is work-safe, assuming streaming videos are work safe for you)

thanks to jen for showing me.

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