Tuesday, August 30, 2005


okay, first, i'd like to point out that this is the third post of the day on my vacation from my blog. *rolls eyes and sighs loudly*

second: eeeeeek!

i am desperately seeking epi, i need to ask him a burning question, but my webmail isn't working so i can't email him. oh no!

the question? why, it's about pork tenderloin of course!

i'm planning on BBQing some for dinner tomorrow night and i thought i'd try his suggestion:
I have cut mine and stuffed it with arugula, sundried tomatoes and feta and roasted or bbq'd it, and then slice thorugh for great presentation.
only, um, maybe minus the arugula. but...

i'm concerned if i cut the pork tenderloin it will not be nice and juicy like i like it because it will leech it's juice onto the waiting hot coals. so i want to know how he avoids that particular part.

epi, i need you!!!!!!!!


oh my!

somehow i missed my bloggiversary...

happy (belated) blogday to me...
happy (belated) blogday to me...
happy (belated) blogday dear mainja...
happy (belated) blogday to me.

screw vacations

apparently i'm going to write another post today. the siren call of the blog 'write on me, write on me, write on me'

last night i dreamt that i wrote a blog entry. during the posting of the blog entry i felt guilty. guilty because i was writing when i said i wouldn't.

maybe i'm just not cut out for vacations.

Monday, August 29, 2005

i'm such a follower

well, since it's all the rage these days... i think i'm going to take a bit of a blog holiday.

not long, just, well, i'm not sure how long, until things calm down a bit i guess. until i have energy to think of interesting things to say again.

now, this does not mean i will never post, i may occasionally post, but it does mean that it will be no where near ever day, i just don't want to be thinking stuff like "oh, shoot, i have to write a post" when i don't have time or energy.

see ya soon kiddies.

Friday, August 26, 2005

"sustainablity without compromise'

yeah. 'cause, you know, god forbid we have to compromise in anyway to make the earth sustainable. we still want to drive our SUVs and have individually packaged bacon and pump pollutants into the are practically unchecked. WE WILL NOT COMPROMISE. give us excess, and only excess. if we can have excess and still be enviornmentally friendly, well, then, okay, i guess we'll be environmentally friendly, yay, look at us we're so responsible and environmentally friendly...

this rant brought to you by deep lake cooling (instead of air conditioning, it's actually a really good idea, and i have no problem with it at all, i think it's great) from enwave.

enwave, who's catch phrase on toronto deep lake cooling projects seems to be "sustainability without compromise."

p.s. i really am not an activist. i would love to be, i would love to have that motivation, dedication, passion and all that stuff. but, well, i don't. this particular set of words in big letters along bay street just caught my ire this morning for some reason. seems to encasulate part of what might be wrong with our society.

Thursday, August 25, 2005

i'm just sayin' is all...

remote controls for things (television, VCR, DVD, stereo, you get the idea) should come with a 'page' function, the way a cordless phone does. that way in the unlikely event that you can't find your remote.

this of course is pure speculation, i am not watching decorating shows right now because i don't feel like it, not because it's on channel 58 or something like that and my thing starts at channel 1 everytime you turn it on. not at all. really, what i'm saying is, this is again a hypothetical *if* you lost your remote.

Wednesday, August 24, 2005

interview went fine i guess

for those who are wondering, the interview went fine. not my best, not my worst. i didn't walk out with a very positive vibe from them though. always so hard to tell with these things...

um. yep. that's all.

p.s. a very very dear friend got offered a job today, and all i can say is yippeeeeee!

Monday, August 22, 2005

eyes drooping... head dropping... can't... stay... awake...

oh, look, it's 11pm. obviously i must be getting the 'i'm going to pass out' signals from my body. i mean, 11pm, that's practically the middle of the night!

okay, enough self-mocking.

and to be fair, i was at work until 10pm tonight.

tonight john said to me that he was very impressed with the kind of stuff i was doing at work, i said it was the kind of stuff that seemed impressive until you actually did it, and then you realised it wasn't actually that hard after all. he said i was under valuing myself.

who knows.

what i do know is that i enjoy it. i enjoy the idea that it makes a difference (whether it actually does or not, well, that's still to be determined). but i don't like being there until 10. especially not since from 8pm on it was in the dark, because i have no idea how to turn the bloody lights back on once they go off automatically.

um. yeah. i guess that's enough whining for now.

oh, i've made a new resolution, we'll see if i stick to it. i've decided that there is entirely too little sex talk on this blog. i intend to rectify that. although, to do that i will have to stop writing on my coffee breaks and lunch breaks, because it's dicey enough writing benigne stuff on a work computer, even if it is at breaktime. i really shouldn't write sex related posts at work at all.

don't worry, this won't turn into a smut blog, if i decide to do a smut blog (which is, of course, well within the realms of possibility, you know, assuming i suddenly had way more time on my hands and could maintain two blogs) i'll start it seperately...

Sunday, August 21, 2005

i did it myyyy waaaayyyyyyy

okay okay, i'll stop singing. sheesh. some people are so picky, the want the tune, they want the key, they want the notes, they want the timing, they bloody well want it all! um. where was i?

oh yes.

hello dearest blog readers. i feel it behooves me to tell you all how much i value your opinion. i especially feel it important to tell you this right now considering what i am about to reveal to you....

first, i must come clean. i realise that my cloak and dagger story of someone hypothetically needing to decide whether or not to tell his or her manager about an impending interview may have left you feeling perplexed, after all, generally i am very forthright in my blog, and so no doubt many of you were thinking to yourself "who could this mystery person be?".

i do apologize for the covert nature of said post and for the undoubted perplexing questions that followed for each of you. it's one of my many talents. i am very crafty and can weave a web of words that leads to such obfuscation that no doubt my true calling is CSIS and not merely as a senior policy analyst with the provincial government.

the answer to your unspoken questions? it was i. i was the person trying to make the decision. not only that, but, wait for it, the situation wasn't hypothetical, it was real. i can hear the chorus of gasps, such suprise, such a testement to my cunning. *sigh* but alas, yes, it was i.

i only hope that you can forgive me for misleading you in such a very clever way.

but wait, that is not the only revelation to me made tonight. oh yes. you read that correctly. there is even more for me to confess to.

and now i would like to reiterate that i truely do value your opinions. this reiteration is important because, well, i am about to tell you that i went against the advice i got from everyone.

on friday i told my manager about the interview i have on wednesday.

she was very good about it. she said she'd like me to stay but understands about the need for a permanent position. she said she doesn't think she has any power to secure me a permanent position where i am, but she is going to look into it.

i decided that ultimately i had to listen to my gut. my gut was saying tell her. i have always been fully upfront about this kind of stuff in the past, but those were different circumstances. that is why i was questioning it. st. snafu said something on thursday that was interesting, she said (i'm paraphrasing) "well, there is how everyone else relates in the workplace, and there is how mainja relates in the workplace, and i think those just aren't generally the same as each other". and she was right. i do interact with my workplace, and the people in it, quite differently than many other people.

as tongue in cheek as the rest of this post is, i do mean it when i say that i value your opinions. i can assure you that this was not a decision i made lightly, a lot of thought went into it, and each of your comments were part of that body of thought. so, thank you very much. and that goes to those of you who emailed instead of commenting on the blog too.

in the end it came down to gut. i always tell people to listen to their gut, it's something i truely believe, so, i had to take my own advice. whenever possibly i try to avoid being a hypocrite...

so, um, yeah, thanks guys.

next up on the taking your advice part of my life, i plan to make pork tenderloin at least once a week until i've used up all the suggestions you guys made. boy. bet john can't wait. nothing a vegetarian likes more than a bit of pig. mmmm. mmmm. mmmm. pig. pig is good.

P.S. kate - we're having pork tenderloin on tuesday... ;)

Saturday, August 20, 2005

cool ass...

wow. this is very interesting. very cool.
Writer Shelley Jackson invites participants in a new work entitled "Skin." Each participant must agree to have one word of the story tattooed upon his or her body.
nod to nalo on this one. she in fact is participating and has one of the words tatooed on her...

Friday, August 19, 2005

Pork Tenderloin: A Love Letter

Guest Post: By St. Snafu

Although I have recently been advised that what I ate for dinner last night does not make for the most interesting of posts, I have decided to throw caution to the wind a write about my din-din anyway. Besides, I have a new love now, and her name is Pork Tenderloin. Or Mainja; one is not exclusive from the other.

For those of you who don't know her, mainja is a woman who creates dining experiences that are so exquisite that all the feeling good hormones in your body get tapped out in less than an hour. I actually found myself complaining last night because there were'nt TWO pork tenderloins. This makes me an ass since it's not like I didn't eat a second helping of Caesar Salad and Potatoes without offering to share the remains with mainja. Oh food - it can bring out the worst in us. I for one must make ammends for my misdoings. But that will have to wait until I can quell my nerves with some more tenderloin.

because you're all dying to know...

i went with the cilantro option afterall. here's a run down of how i made the pork...

marinated it (the pork tenderloin) in:

juice of one lemon
zest of half the lemon
pepper (fresh ground of course...)
4 cloves of garlic grated in with a rasp, but you could mince or use a garlic press (but it doesn't make the meat taste particularily garlicy, just adds a nice flavour)
1 shallot (minced)
loads of fresh cilantro (also minced) i just used the leaves of the whole bunch i bought at the grocery store (moved to late to grow our own this year)
bit of extra virgin (i like my virgins to be extra) olive oil
some red wine (this is a lovely vin de pays my mum brought from france from the winery 50 feet from her front door, but it would be good with a merlot or even a shiraz to marinate - i highly reccomend wines from languedoc)

i put it all in a ziplock baggie (thanks to sue for that idea) along with the pork and just let it sit.

st. snafu's plane was late so it eneded up sitting for longer than inteneded, and really, all the better! so i bet it sat for 2 hours or so?

then i barbequed it. let the bbq heat up to as hot as it was going to get, seared both sides to hold in the juices, turned the heat down to medium, closed the lid and did a quasi roasting and grilling thing.

when it was done (no idea on timing, i just squeeze it with the tongs to feel the consistency of the meat, i like my pork somewhere between medium well and well done. you no longer have to cook the shit out of pork for health reasons, you could in fact have it rare but, well, um, ew. but yeah, a little bit of light pink is about perfect, it means you'll have juicy divinity) i put in on the wooden cutting board to 'rest' for about 10 or 15 minutes. when you're timing when to take it off the bbq remember that it will still cook for a bit during it's 'resting' period (of course, it would appear my blog is frequented by foodies, so i'm sure i'm preaching to the choir here) so you don't want it to be totally finished when you take it off the grill. the 'resting' (just sitting around on the counter doing nothing, i guess if i was just sitting around on the counter doing nothing i would call it resting too...) is important because it helps keep the meat juicy, otherwise lots of juice pours out when you cut it. juice in meat good. keep juice in meat.

st. snafu is going to do a guest post later on today, my guess is she'll talk about what a visit with mainja is like, potential topics may include the food, the house, the taking hours to draw a stupid map, you know, standard things...

Thursday, August 18, 2005

hypothetically speaking...

so, in a hypothetical world there is a hypothetical question.

if, hypothetically of course, one is going to a job interview for a permenant position with benefits and everything, should one tell one's current manager?

when considering this hypothetical situation i have come up with good reasons why one might tell one's manager, and good reasons why one might not tell one's manager.

the context of this hypothetical situation would be that one enjoys one's current job, one like one's manager, one likes one's workplace, but one is on contract, and one has to think about how much benefits would benefit one.

Wednesday, August 17, 2005

light and fluffy

okay folks, time for a light and fluffy post...

st. snafu is coming over for dinner on thursday. i am making caesar salad and pork tenderloin and building my meal around that.

so now i'm looking for suggestions. i'm going to bbq the pork tenderloin, but what should i marinate/rub it with? i was going to do this thing i do with cilantro and lime, but i'm not sure that would be a very good pairing with the caesar salad.

then i'm looking for what to serve with it and suggestions on preperation for that.

i've been toying with potato packets (sliced potato, garlic, onions, lots of fresh ground pepper, drizzled with olive oil, in a foil packet cooked on the bbq) and steamed asperagus as the sides. or maybe grilled veggies...

anyway, i'm now open to suggestions. that's right, dinner by committee! *grin*

Monday, August 15, 2005

today is the day

*deep breath*

today is the day.

today is the day i take my mother to the airport.

today is the day that my overwhelming love of my mother causes me pain.

today is the day i see her off, knowing that i likely won't see her again until 2006.

today is the day i try and manage the pain by reminding myself that it dulls.

today is the day i remind myself, i've done it before, i can do it again.

Sunday, August 14, 2005


first i haven't posted in a bloody long time.

second, it's 4am and i'm up for no good reason.

third, my cat is meowing incesently from downstairs (blogging about my cat just for st. snafu's sake...)

each of these three questions leads me to ask why. unfortunatly i have no answers.

i suppose though that i can rectify one of them quite easily by dragging my sorry ass into bed, and so i shall...

Thursday, August 11, 2005

the tank is... sad :( the tank is... glad!

well folks, today is the day. today our house in guelph closes. it is a day of mixed emotions.

i am sad to see it go. it was the first (and only) house we owned. we did a lot of work on it. we really made it ours. in the five years that we were there it was host to friends living with us post-break up (on more than one occassion, break up with your partner that you're living with? well, just move in with john and meg!), my mum and her husband living with us pre-france, many fabulous dinner parties, many many evenings on the deck - drinking beer (in my case cider, in NOAU's case wine), laughing loudly, talking about sex loud enough and often enough that we wondered just what the neighbour's thought. it also saw a lot of communal help from many wonderful friends, help building the garden, help building the deck, help re-doing the floor, help tearing down a wall, help painting, and in the end, help decluttering and getting it ready to show, and then finally, help packing.

the house holds a lot of memories for me.

and let's not forget that i've lived in guelph for the last 19 years. guelph is a wonderful amazing town. it has so much to offer, a great rep theatre, a cheapy theatre, amazing restaurants that are pretty cheap, a vibrant arts scene, great pubs, all in a relatively small area. and then of course there is all the suburbish stuff too, which i still got to benefit from, but still got to live in a 100 year old house in a nice old area with lots of trees. it's rare to get that combination.

and of course my friends. i have friends in guelph who i will miss. i know guelph isn't far, and it's not like i'm never going to see them again, but it's still too far to just call them up and say "what are you doing right now? meet you at such and such a place in 15 minutes". and in truth, you can't do that in toronto either, unless such and such a place is somewhere close to you. i'm sure i'll find such places, in fact, i suspect that hair of the dog isn't much more than a 15 or 20 minute walk away from where i live...

which brings me to the glad part of my post.

first and foremost, i'm glad it's done. i'm glad the house is sold, i'm glad that i don't have to worry about anything going wrong, or, i don't know what, but there is a relief that it is over. it's a step away from limbo. i do have a hard time with the fact that the new place is still in chaos, still doesn't look like a home, no pictures on the wall, half unpacked (we're having issues with how much smaller it is and where the hell do we put our stuff, then we get discouraged and don't do anything, so the house is hell right now) but that will come in time. hopefully sooner rather than later.

also, it is a bit of a begining of a new adventure. i have lots of friends in toronto who i will now hopefully get to see more often.

i will have more access to the things i love like art and theatre.

i have a good job that i enjoy and i don't have to commute to it.

i don't have to commute to work.

did i mention i don't have to commute to my job?

things will come together. i know they will. but if i was being honest, i'd have to admit that i'm more sad than glad right now...

Tuesday, August 09, 2005

CANCELLED Blogger meet up

Snooze is right, too complex right now, we'll do it another time. So, the change of plans is now that it is cancelled.

I'm leaveing the rest of the post for history's sake, but yeah, no meet up guys...

This is what is not happening:

Change of plans... It's now going to be at 9:30 instead of 8:30, and I'm not going to be able to be there... I have a big important meeting (well, la tee da!) on Friday morning that I have to be bright tailed and bushy eyed for so I can't, but I want as much time as I can muster with St. Snafu, so I'm making us dinner then sending her into the wilds of Toronto alone...

So, details follow:

, it's that time again, time for another Blogger meet up. And this time there will be a special guest from NYC. Yes, that's right! St. Snafu will be joining us at this particular blogger meet.

So, Thursday August 18, 2005 -- 9:30pm
At The Red Lion (I mean, really, why mess with a good thing? It worked well last time)

Come on out Toronto Bloggers. Or, you know, friends of bloggers.

Last time was so much fun! Epi thought so too!

Don't forget to post it an invitation on your own blog. But maybe you could ask people to leave comments here about whether or not they're coming, just for the whole making sure we have room at the pub thing...

he was dying for some entertainment...


say what?!?!?!

no, really, go read it!


so, walking home tonight, from my favourite bar on earth (hair of the dog) through one of my favourite places in toronto (allen gardens) someone called to me from his perch on a bench.

he was a very attractive guy with big long dreads, maybe early 40s or late 30s...

he called out "hey there size girl!"

when i turned around to smile at him he was sporting the greatest smile and said "and how are you doing tonight?"

smiling, i said "fabulous thank you, and you?"

he chuckled and said "excellent thank you."

with a smile and a nod i said "excellent" and kept on my merry way (perhaps swining my hips just a little tiny bit...)

i am assuming it was said as a term of endearment simply because of how lovely and friendly he was. but i have to admit, i have never heard the term "size girl" before.

again assumptions, but i am assuming it is basically "you're curvy and i like that" but i can't for the life of me find any reference to it on the interweb.

so, do you think it was meant to be friendly, or do you think he was insulting me and now thinks i'm just about the most gracious person on earth for how well i took it?


when emailing with a dear friend about how i'm feeling right now (crappy) she wrote: "her (my mum's) visits really are adouble-edged sword for you, aren't they?"

and oh yes they are.

i love my mum so very much. i can't really express it, it's like the best friend you've ever had, and she happens to have known you since birth and knows all the family history and you can gossip about it, but also understand where neuroses might be coming from.

but here's the catch. she's going to leave at some point. no visit is ever long enough. because no visit is just moving here.

i don't know how to describe this, but there is an element of numbness that can come from being away. that is to say, although i miss my mum when she is not here, i do get accoustomed to it. the pain isn't accute, there isn't the feeling of a gaping void, somehow you learn to almost ignore that she isn't there. i guess it's kind of like going into a really cold lake, at first it hurts like a sonofabitch because the cold is like little needles stabbing into your very being, but after awhile you become aclimatized, or numb, but the point is you can stay in the water quite effectively, even if it isn't ideal. but if you get out and warm up a bit then try and go back in the pain is every bit as accute as it was the first time and you have to get used to it all over again.

that's what a visit with my mum is like for me.

when she leaves it is heart wrenching.

and before she leaves, the time leading up to her leaving, i can't help but anticipate the leaving.

last night i curled up in bed and cried to myself because i knew i only had a few more days with her (bugger, and now i'm crying as i type, bleh). then i chided myself for being such a big baby. seriously, who would have thought a grown woman would cry at the fact her mum was going home. you'd think i was being left at daycare for the first time. okay, maybe daycare isn't fare, but maybe going away to camp for the first time. i feel like some silly little kid.

but the truth is i can't help it.

and i know that i shouldn't think about it before she leaves. i know that i should enjoy my time with her. i know that i need to live in the moment. but for some reason, on this particular topic, the glass is always half empty, even though in my life i am very much a glass is half full type of gal.

there are times that i have thought to myself that maybe it would be easier to just not see her. i of course would never seriously consider that, i couldn't imagine not seeing her. but there are times when the thoughts that go through my head include things like "is the pain of her leaving worth the joy of her coming?" every time she leaves i am thrust back into the icy water and have to give my body and soul time to adjust, time to stop hurting, time to be functional.

of course it is worth it. i just need to find a way mitigate the pain.

Sunday, August 07, 2005

yay for reading

i love this. i find it facinating.

Saturday, August 06, 2005

oh. my. god.

i can't imagine what this must be like for these poor people. i realise mistakes happen and no one is really at fault for this, but good god. hell. pure hell.

Friday, August 05, 2005

something, anything, just post damnit!

so, i just noticed that i haven't posted since wednesday. my oh my. how could this be!?!

i of course have thought of several interesting things to post about in that time. in fact, written posts in my head while i've travelled the street car, laid in bed, made dinner, basically any time i'm away from the computer. unfortunately as soon as i write said posts they disappear from my brain.

saturday we are going to the old house to finish the last few things up. i know i'm going to be sad, but hopefully i'll top the night off with a trip to taste of the danforth so all will be rectified.

i won't bore you with stream of conciousness things now, but i will tell you of my FABULOUS find before i sign off.

tonight john and i bought a fridge and a dishwasher. it's a side by side fridge with water and ice, which i really wanted 'cause we had it at the old place and i was severly spoiled by it. and the fridge here, well, to give you an idea of the age of it, it's harvest gold. not only is it old, but it's not particularily functional, it only has two shelves and someone has shoved a couple crispers that don't fit into it, so they don't pull out. but more to the point, it died yesterday. apparently it doesn't deal with the current weather any better than i do.

so, back to our find. fridge and dishwasher, with delivery, taxes and disposal of the old fridge, $1200. soooo happy. we were figuring we'd have to pay more than that just for the fridge, before delivery. but future shop has a sale on a side by side with ice and water, so right now that fridge is something in the range of $850, and the dishwasher, well, we just bought the cheapest they had, which was $200.

that's right. i'm officially a grown up. i am excited by new appliances.

night all, have a great weekend!

p.s. dickey, good luck on your move, you're a couple weeks behind the rest of us moving folks, but it's still fresh enough in our minds that we feel your pain.

Wednesday, August 03, 2005

diagnose me

okay folks, now is the time to realise all your childhood dreams of becoming a doctor, a nurse, a dentist or a know-it-all...

i have a very very strange thing happening to me.

there is a small section of my gum (i doubt location matters, but just in case, it's on my lower set of teeth under the right hand bottom version of the K9) that is numb. very seriously numb, right through.

it literally feels like there is a bit of my gums that have been shot up with novacaine.

i notice it intermitantly, but it becomes very obvious when i am chewing or drinking something.

and here is where i call upon the expertise of the interweb. anyone had anything like this? any idea what it might be? the only thing i can think is some kind of pinched nerve, but how one would pinch a nerve that affects that, well, i haven't a clue.

this one's for the dickeybird

it's all for you baby!

okay, well, other's can watch too and alternately drool and giggle.

oh, and i forgot to say tip 'o the hat to ghost of a flea for this one.

Monday, August 01, 2005

when depression makes you it's bitch

to preface this post i should tell you (those of you who don't already know) that my mother and i both have chronic depression. we're both receiving treatment and we're both fine now (well, you know, except for the normal reactions to life's ups and downs and stresses and so on) i was lucky enough to be diagnosed at a pretty early age (they actually look for it when you're depressed and have a mother with chronic depression), my mum was not so lucky and went through a roller-coaster of emotional and prescription hell before she finally was diagnosed in her 40s. end of preface.

my mum is here from france, it's wonderful, it's so nice to have her here, to be able to talk and laugh and cook and laugh and visit and laugh and hang out and laugh (my mum and i laugh a lot, anyone who knows us both will attest). although sometimes we talk about inane things, sometimes we talk about serious things too. it's not uncommon for us to talk about depression. we provide a bit of a check for each other i think, making sure that the other doesn't slip back into a depression (the drugs are by no means fool-proof).

one of our conversations of late has been about the absolute power of depression. or perhaps it is the feeling of absolute powerlessness that it evokes. and not just for the sufferer, although they of course feel it most acutely, but also for those around them, the people that love them and want desperately to wave a magic wand and make everything better. damnit, why hasn't someone invented a magic wand yet?!?!?! we're a technologically advanced society, isn't it about time?

we talked about how we don't know a single person who has gone to the doctor on their own because of depression. that is to say, everyone we know who has been clinically (not to be confused with chronically) depressed, who has been diagnosed by a doctor as clinically depressed, had to be dragged to said doctor. i mean this in a very literal sense too, i don't mean people were nagged enough that they finally capitulated and went to the doctor to explain what was happening, i mean physically taken to the doctor. when i was diagnosed it was my mum who made the appointment, drove to guelph from oakville to physically take me there so that she could be sure i went. she even talked to the doctor ahead of time and explained what she had been observing because she didn't trust that i had the language to explain what was happening to me. when john was diagnosed it was the same thing, only it was me making the appointment and driving him to the doctor. for my mum, for my mum it was a co-worker. but we all have stories of people making appointments for us and physically taking us there. and since then, since i started talking about it, i've heard similar stories repeated over and over again.

it's hard to explain the phenomenon to someone who has never been depressed. it's hard to explain the fact that you barely have the will to get yourself to the bathroom to pee, let alone pick up the phone, make and appointment, go to the appointment, and then tell your doctor something that makes you feel like you've somehow admitted defeat, that somehow it makes you worthless, not a capable person and generally just a bad person. of course none of that is true, but depression has made you it's bitch. it's calling the shots now. the rational bits of your brain have been locked in the dungeon and depression has bullied it's way in, sitting on the throne, ruling with a seemingly inescapable iron fist.

and here's the truth. those feelings, that feeling of failure for not being able to 'snap out of it', they're fed by societial opinions. mental illness is somehow not a real illness. i know he's a nutjob, but look at people like tom cruise. he's telling the world that depression isn't real. he's telling the world that *i* am weak. and sure, people are shocked, people are in an uproar, but you know what? i think he's expressing the opinions of more than a few people out there.

i hate it when people talk about depression being over-diagnosed. i'm sure it is, i'm not disputing that, but as soon as someone says that i feel like they're saying that my disease isn't real. every time someone trots out the over-diagnosed over-medicated thing i feel like they're saying that i am just being silly, just being weak, that it's all in my head.

i remember talking to a friend about this once. he said to me 'i don't see the difference between taking meds for depression and being an alcoholic'. he said this with full knowledge that i had an alcoholic father and was taking meds for depression (no, really, he was a friend, just sometimes didn't think things through very well). i took a long look at him, swallowed my horror and my anger and calmly said "sean, the difference is that an alcoholic drinks to escape the real world, a person who is depressed takes anti-depressants to re-join the real world" honestly, i have no memory of what his response was.

there is such a misconception about anti-depressants and what they do. the number of people who seem to think they're uppers of some kind astounds me. anti-depressants do not, i repeat, DO NOT suddenly make you happy. you still have all the same shit to deal with, it doesn't make it go away, it just makes you able to do thing like say, get out of bed, make a meal, go to work, read a book, think. it basically allows you do do all the things we take for granted. it also allows you to do things like do more effective work in therapy so that you can avoid future episodes (because anyone who thinks that depression is STRICTLY a chemical imbalance that happens, i don't know, because of a shift in the weather or something, anyone who thinks that is fooling themselves and setting themselves up for future depressive episodes). it isn't a magic bullet, the magic wand to solve everything hasn't been invented yet, remember (could someone get on that please?!?)

i don't know where i'm going with this. i do know that i have a dear friend who i love so very much that words cannot express my love for them, and depression is making them it's bitch right now, so please, please, please, would ya hurry up with the invention of that magic wand...

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