Thursday, June 30, 2005

i haven't abandoned you...

okay, so i have been very delinquent in the blog department of late.

and this post isn't going to change that, but i do hope to change that soon... i also hope to change whatever the hell has happened to my template and return it to its previous unscrewed up state.

in the meantime, here's a little something from wil wheaton's blog that made me giggle:

Anne is spending the day with her friend and her friend's daughter, out at some health club that's allegedly got a really nice set of swimming pools. She just called me and said, "I know you're writing, but I just had to tell you — I'm sitting here between a little kid pool, and the regular pool, and there are these two little girls in the little kid pool. One of them just said to the other, 'Well, I don't want to pee in this pool. Let's go into the big people pool.' And they did."

Monday, June 27, 2005

push it real good...

so, someone at some point expressed interest in buying our push mower from us. at the time i said no because it was promised to someone else. but those someone elses forgot and went and bought themselves a brand spankin' new push mower. so, now i have our push mower available for the someone who wanted to buy it.

the challenge?

i can't for the life of me remember who it was that said they wanted to buy it from me.

so, this question goes out to those of you in blogland who know me in real life, were any of you with me when this particular thing transpired, and if so, do you remember who it was? i feel like there was someone else with me when this happened...

okay, that is all. carry on...

Friday, June 24, 2005


it's official.

we sold the house!

it's totally and utterly official!

celebrate with us!


why are there so many, songs about rainbows?

sitting in a meeting.

surveying the room.

trying to read minds.

what are they thinking?

are they singing themselves a little ditty, making weekend plans, figuring out what's for dinner, writing a grocery list, thinking back to last night's kitchen table schtupping session?

one 'writes' something on the table with the top of her pen, leaving no mark, only the intense curiosity invading my body as i wonder what she has written.

one taps rhythmically on her knee, tap tap tap tappidy tap tap, tap tap tap tappidy tap tap...

one strokes his eyebrows, right one, pause, left one, pause, right one, pause...

another takes the disembodied voice emmitting from the speaker phone as a an opportunity to retreat into himself, eyes clouded over, face pointed to the ceiling.

all the while, for some unbeknownst reason, i can hear kermit in my head "why are there so many, songs about rainbows, and what's on the other side..."

Wednesday, June 22, 2005

the office flasher

there is something about the tank top sweater that i am wearing today that makes me feel like i am not wearing a top. i can feel my bra, but not my top. the wind whistles through it because it is a large open weave, but it must be more than that, because even just sitting here i can barely feel it.

in fact, today at my desk in a paniced moment i looked down to confirm that i was indeed wearing it and wasn't just sitting around at my computer in my bra as i so often do at home.

luckily i was indeed wearing the magic 'i can't believe it's not air' tank top.


Tuesday, June 21, 2005

some conditions apply...

so, we've accepted a conditional offer.

it's conditional on financing and home inspection.

mid-august closing date.

we'll be through the conditions by the end of next week, apparently we aren't allowed to celebrate until after that.

it is lower than we were going to take, but then we decided that there were other considerations, other aspects of value other than money, like sanity for instance...

okay, more specifically, having it done, being able to move, being able to start the next chapter of our life, relieving a lot of stress...

Monday, June 20, 2005

wet dreams

last night i dreamt that one of our cats was eaten by a whale.

in the dream i watched helplessly as the whale swam over to where we were working to stay afloat by treading water and doing whatever it is cats do to stay afloat. it looked at me, it looked at alice (my cat) and it opened it's massive maw and swallowed the cat whole then promptly swam away. i was screaming in anguish and horror and trying to swim after the whale, only to realise that resistance is indeed futile.

the dream was short enough that i never did find out what the hell i was doing treading water out in the middle of a large body of water with my cat.

i awoke quite saddened and was very happy to see alice this morning curled up at the bottom of the bed and much to her dismay i picked her up and started kissing her relentlessly and squeezing her close. she glared at me with the "did you not notice i was asleep?" look. i didn't care. she wasn't inside the belly of a whale. i was happy.

Sunday, June 19, 2005

winged rodent human commences...

two quick things for tonight...

first: john and i went to see batman returns tonight, it was wicked. very much enjoyed it. would be excited to see it become a franchise, but a franchise of quality films like this one.

second: we got an offer on the house saturday. the offer was for much much lower than our asking price. we decided to sign back at as low as we're willing to go instead of playing around with haggling and potentially scaring them off. so we signed back for a very good compromise. so, who knows, hopefully i'll have really exciting news by monday night...

Friday, June 17, 2005

Wanted: one brain in reasonable condition

sometimes i think my brain has an on/off switch, controlled by someone else, that i cannot find.

today for instance.

i have so much to do. very little time. and my brain has decided this is a good time to turn off.

it's very unfair.

oh well. i will plough ahead anyway, making very narrow and shallow inroads, the kind that if there is a strong wind they will be swept away, but if by some stroke of luck there isn't a strong wind and they aren't swept away, at least they will provide a bit of a path for me to follow when i do regain brain function.

and back to logic models i go...

Thursday, June 16, 2005

pride pride pride pride pride pride pride


i'm starting to get really excited about pride. especially since i found out that carol pope will be performing.

there's so much stuff going on that i want to see, sooooo excited.

um, yep, that's all.


Wednesday, June 15, 2005

i can't stop feeling it!

last night i chipped my tooth.

my front tooth.

not only is it not the most attractive thing in the world, it also is leading to me shreading my tongue.

i can't seem to stop playing with it with my tongue.

i keep running my tongue over my teeth, as if some how it will have changed in the last millisecond.

so, i am now biting down on a shoelace (new one, never been in a shoe, don't worry) to stop the tongue action.

god i hope no one walks into my office right now. i really don't want to explain why i have a shoelace hanging from my mouth.

Tuesday, June 14, 2005

pssssst! wanna buy a book?

nalo hopkinson (a very wonderful writer of sci-fi) is selling off some of her work that she has extras of. check it out.

Monday, June 13, 2005

let's talk about the weather

i have noticed something in the last couple days. when the air is so thick i can't breath and it's so hot that i have trouble dragging one foot in front of the other to walk i get really persnickety. every thing needs to be just so and when it's not i get very frustrated.

i don't know, it's like my patience is some kind of fabric that shrinks when exposed to prolonged heat. actually, it's funny, i can picture it you know, some lovely knitted woolen thing that runs through my whole body and normally is soft and stretchy and comfy, but as it gets hotter and hotter it becomes less and less flexible. it starts drawning itself together. it becomes an inflexible cord. it sits, stretched taught in my body, reacting to every little touch, no matter how minor. patience pulled as tight as it can, feeling things that normally are just softly enveloped by it.

i'm hoping to stretch it out again with lots of sleep and airconditioning.

Saturday, June 11, 2005

F.A.T. just me bitching...

so, sparked by my 'i am not a fat activist' post i've decided to start a category about being fat. i figure, my blog was named F.A.T. for a reason, and maybe i should live up to it. so, occassionally you'll see a post with a title that starts with F.A.T. and you'll know why.

having said that, don't expect every F.A.T. post to be deeply interesting or philosophical or anything.

case in point, today's post. today i will be simply asking a question. a rhetorical question that is actually just (not very effectively) masking me bitching. ready?

would it kill Addition-Elle to actually hire a fat model in addition to their not-fat spokesmodel? seriously people. this woman, she's not even as big as zellwegger got in bridget jones.

now, she's no kate moss, she's pretty much a normal sized person. which says something about clothing sizing, since the implication is that she has to shop at a fat lady store.

at this point i have no doubt that someone will hasten to point out to me that women who model 'normal sized' clothes are no where near the size of the average women buying those clothes. i absolutely agree. the last time i saw a 'normal' sized woman (or man for that matter, but i'm going to just stick to women for this post) in a calvin klien ad was, um, oh, right, i remember now, it was that time hell froze over for a bit a couple years ago...

so why should it be different for fat clothes, right? well, i don't know. i feel somehow like it's a different audience. for one thing, i want to know what those clothes are going to look like on a fat person. for another, you're dealing with a group of people who are already out of the cultural norm, so why not take a stand, advertise outside of the cultural norm, i'm betting your customers will reward you, just look at the success of dove's campaign for real beauty. there is a hunger for affirmation in this world.

but most of all, it's the slogan. they have huge billboards that have pictures of this 'normal sized' woman, advertising fat lady clothes, and the slogan is "the curves make the woman". well, just 'cause a model has boobs and isn't emaciated, it doesn't mean she's curvy. in fact, the accompanying image on the poster of a not-so-curvy and certainly not fat woman, well, that kind of seems to work against the goal of the campaign.

i don't know. maybe i'm the only one this bothers.

unfortunately i can't directly link to any pictures because it's all a flash site, but if you go to the site and click on collections you'll see who i'm talking about. she's very beautiful, just not fat by any stretch of the imagination.

okay, bitching done...

warning: addictive game ahead

so, i found a new addictive game. yay for me!

it's called falafel king

and you know what? it's also educational. yep. that's right. i learned something. you know what i learned? huh? huh? do ya? well... i'll tell you!

i learned that in some places when you get falafel on a pita, they put fries in it. in fact, i quote from this site, no doubt a bastian of accuracy "Falafel is a very popular Middle-Eastern snack - usually served in pita bread with humus, salad and french fries"

personally, i have never encountered a falafel sandwich with french fries in it, somehow it seems a bit over the top to garnish the deep fried balls of yummyness with deep fried sticks of yummyness. but that's just me...

so, you might not be able to get an emir's falafel anymore, not even at hillside, (oooh, look, two inside guelph references in one!) but you can pretend to make some other, not nearly as good ad emir's, ones on the internet.


Friday, June 10, 2005

just what the doctor ordered...

i am absolutely certain that the wisest thing to do when recovering from a really bad cold is go out drinking until after midnight on a 'school night'.

last night was utterly fabulous, i had a really great time. and i must point out that we were a big table full of hot people, yep, that's right, we were all damn sexy people... (for proof check out epicurist's blog, he has pictures)

more later, now i must drag my sorry ass into the shower and get ready for work.


here is the promised "more later":

i had a fabulous time, it was great. sitting outside, just enjoying the company of great people.

since everyone who came knew at least one other person in 'real life' there wasn't the akwardness that is sometimes associated with meeting an online friend in the flesh for the first time.

the only other blogger we talked about was st. snafu because two of us around the table went to high school with her, and snooze went out with her for drinks a couple weeks ago. i sincerely meant to take a minute and raise a glass to normlr, mik, knotty, st. snafu (paddy, she seems to go by both in the blog world) and others who weren't able to join us, but i just got too bloody caught up in the moment to remember.

rest assured though, i had a pint for each of you...

it was a tad surreal meeting these people that i feel like i've known for quite some time. these people who i had never met were people that i know more about than most of my co-workers and other acquaintences.

we talked about me moving to toronto. we lamented dickey moving away from toronto. we talked about how we started blogging, and of course we talked about sex. we talked about sex a lot. these are my kind of people. and for those of you who know me and are at this point just rolling your eyes and thinking that the reason the conversation was revolving around sex was because i was there, let me tell you, i may have been a participant (a happy contributer if you will), but i wasn't carrying the conversation. in fact, there was no one person who seemed to be driving the conversation, it was just happily in sex cruise control. we of course talked about other things, about growing up, about maturity, about expectations that come with age, which then led into sex, in terms of the correlation of willingness to give head and age.

what i'm trying to say is, these are my kind of people.

Thursday, June 09, 2005

great expectations

i find it fascinating the way people live up to expectations. i was having a big philosophical conversation with my roommate about it on tuesday night (you know, the kind fueled by fabulous weather, sitting on the balcony and sipping champagne) around issues of trust. i have found that i tend to expect to trust people and that people generally live up to expectations. basically it was a discussion around the self-fulfilling prophecy aspect of expectations.

then, just for fun, apparently i decided to demonstrate this theory in action last night. only this time, i was the one subject to expectations, and apparently, uncharacteristically living up to them.

last night i was out with bunch of people, none of whom i had met before. when we were leaving one of them asked if anyone needed a ride, i said i would be much obliged. (don't worry, these are friends of friends, many connections, blah blah blah, i wasn't just getting into a car with some crazy stranger). so, there were three of us in the car, all was well. those who know me know that i'm pretty good with new people. i generally stay relaxed and me and it's no big deal.

but it was brutally obvious that he expected me to feel awkward, so i did.

this was no malicious expectation, the expectation became clear through his actions, his incessant actions of reassurance. he was uber careful when he asked me questions, for instance he asked me how i knew a common friend of ours david and then quickly added "unless it's something you don't want to talk about". the fact that the whole way home he was treating me with kid gloves made me suddenly feel like i needed to be treated with kid gloves.

when i got out of the car i knocked over a stuffed bunny rabbit (his daughter's toys were in the back seat with me) and i said "oops, runaway rabbit" and he said in a very reassuring tone "that's okay" as i picked it up and put it back on the seat, and until he'd said those words it never occurred to me that it wasn't okay. as i closed the door i realised the seatbelt was in the door so i opened it up again and put it in and he again said in an even more sympathetic and reassuring voice 'that's okay'.

by the time i got to the front door and was unlocking it i was a bundle of nerves. i was gittery, my heart was racing, i was blushing, i was flustered.

all because i was expected to be flustered, and apparently, i have no self-control, and i lived up to his expectations.

Wednesday, June 08, 2005

toronto blogger meet
*sticky post, see below for new stuff*

this is my my attempt at a sticky post, i just dated it for thursday, we'll see if it works...

it's happening! a toronto blogger get together! so here are the details:

Thursday, June 9th, 8pm
The Red Lion (449 Jarvis, between Church and Carlton)

if you're coming then leave a comment so that we can get an idea of numbers.

also, post it up on your site so that others can see it and partake in this toronto bloggers meet and greet...


the day is upon us, and it a beautiful day, a good omen you might say. so, i am suggesting outside. so if you're looking for me, that's where i'll be, outside at the red lion.

also, just some observations from stuff i've read about previous blog meets, it seem that people usually try to do 'real' names for a bit, then gradually come into blog names, so i think, why not just avoid that first bit where we're trying to remember real names, lets just go by blog names. so, i'll be mainja (pronounced man-ya), but if you know me and call me megan, don't worry, i'll still answer. ;)

Tuesday, June 07, 2005

ants in my pants

i am generally not one to be afraid of insects.

in fact, the other day i was watching as ants crawled on my bare feet while i sat outside and commented to john that it was a bit surreal since i could see them, but not feel them (my feet are tough little suckers without a lot of sensation).

but i have to draw the line somewhere.

this weekend twice i have been happily (well, okay, not happily 'cause i was sick and whiny, but you get my point) laying in bed, minding my own business, cosy under the covers, and have felt a strange tickling on my back. when reaching around to disern the cause of said tickling i have been met with the feeling of an ant struggling between my fingers. a big black ant. no little baby, no no, this was a goodly sized bugger that was crawling along on my naked back. i have to be honest here, i freaked out. well, not yelling and screaming freaked out, but certainly not happy. the first time i disposed of the ant. the second time i made john dispose of the ant.

the end result of this is that of course now when i lay in bed i keep feeling phantom ants. the blanket brushes my back and i assume it's an ant. a light breeze blows in from the window, most obviously an ant. a cat walks past me and a whisker touches my arm, ANT ANT ANT.

this paranoia that my bed is overrun with ants is not only embarassing, it's inconvenient. it's pretty hard to get a restful sleep when you're waiting for the next little creature to crawl across your body.

oh, also, when i was making the bed on monday i found another ant.

that makes 3. 3 ants in my bed.

it's making me want to sleep fully clothed, but then, if it got in under my clothes it would be harder to get rid of.

so, really, no point, other than, ants, please, please, please, i'm begging you, please vacate my bed.

at least i won't have to worry about it for a couple days 'cause i'm back in ant free toronto...

Sunday, June 05, 2005

me me me me me!

okay folks, it' s meme time. i've been tagged for two and haven't been very dutiful in filling them out, so now is the time on F.A.T. when i get my ass in gear and reply to said tagging and fill out my memes...

first, from louise (you can see her answers here):

Complete at least 5 of these statements, and then pass the assignment along to someone else (others should do the same, and folks are free to add more after selecting at least five of the originals).

If I could be a farmer…
If I could be a musician…
If I could be a doctor…
If I could be a painter…
If I could be a gardener…
If I could be a missionary…
If I could be a chef…
If I could be the leader of my country…
If I could be an architect…
If I could be a linguist…
If I could be a psychologist…
If I could be a librarian…
If I could be an athlete…
If I could be a lawyer…
If I could be an innkeeper…
If I could be a professor…
If I could be a writer…
If I could be a llama-rider…
If I could be a bonnie pirate…
If I could be an astronaut…
If I could be president …
If I could be a celebrity …
If I could be a gerbil breeder …
If I could be an actor …
If I could be an entrepreneur …
If I could be a historian …
If I could be a archaeologist …
If I could be a teacher…
If I could be a Lady (or Gentleman) of Leisure…
If I could be a circus performer…
If I could be an interior designer…
If I could be a photographer…
five eh? okay. five. i will pick five and expound upon their virtues, or something like that... (oh, but i do want to ask one quick question, on the list it has 'leader of your country', why does it also have 'president', is 'leader of your country' not specific enough for those from the good ol' U S of A?)

if i could be a musician... i would be a singer, and i would sing my heart out, i would sing anything and everything, i wouldn't stick to one genre, but i would sing a hell of a lot of blues and jazz. i would wear velvet dresses that hugged every curve and i would sing in dark smokey bars (in nowhere land, since there are no longer dark smokey bars...). i would sing with my eyes closed, i would feel every note, i would be compelled to move to the music, i would sing all the time, i would sing while buying groceries, i would sing while in the dentists waiting room, i would sing at parties, i would encourage everyone to sing with me. i would revel in the joy that is singing. and since this is fantasy world, i would do all this singing, and still be able to have a solid income, i would still be able to own a house, i would still be able to pay my bills, i would not have to work a different job to support my singing, my singing would be ample to support a comfortable lifestyle.

if i could be a linguist... i would be a cunning linguist. (sorry, i couldn't resist, i know *eyeroll*, but still, i felt compelled...)

if i could be a psychologist... i would champion therapy, i would find a way to make it something people weren't embarassed about. i would spread the word far and wide that therapy is something to make you stronger, a sign of strength, not of weakness. i would spread the word that not everyone *needs* therapy, but everyone can benefit from a bit of therapy. i would try to make therapy accessible, both financially and emotionally.

if i could be an actor... (i'm going to assume we're talking professionally here, since i already am an actor, i just don't get paid for it, and i haven't been in a show since christmas) i would be a stage actor. i would do a stint at stratford, just to say that i had, but i would focus on toronto as a home base, i would do a mix of work, some traditional, some progressive, after a stint at second city i would work mostly with theatre passe muraille and buddies in bad time, but i would occassionally get whisked away by the mirvishes. much like if i were a singer i would make a living wage at acting, perhaps suppliment that by doing some teaching of acting classes.

if i could be a lady of leisure... i would do a lot of acting and singing because i wouldn't have to worry about where the money was coming from. i would also travel lots. i would read lots. and i would fill my time with volunteer work because otherwise i would be bored out of my skull. truth be told, i don't really know what a lady of leisure does...

i'm not going to tag anyone specifically to do this, but i have to say, it's kind of an interesting exploration and i reccomend it. if you do it, then leave a comment 'cause i'd like to see the results.

okay, one meme down, one to go...

musical meme

okay, so this one is from snooze, you can see her answers here...

this one is a musical meme, which will mean a very boring response from me, since, although i like music, a lot, i don't listen to it a lot. go figure.

anyway, here goes:

Total volume of music files on my computer:
actually, i generally don't have music on the computer. the only thing i have on the computer is joe jackson's jumpin' jive because the album is out of print (or whatever you call that) and so it was the only way i could get it.

The last CD I bought was:
two at the same time actually. jeremy fisher - let it shine and buddy holly - from the original master tapes. both absolutely fabulous cds that i enjoy a great deal. and just for fun, the next cd i buy is going to be something by ridley bent

Song playing right now:
is you is or is you ain't my baby - joe jackson from jumpin' jive ('cause, well, as i was writing that was on my computer i thought, hey, that's on my computer, i want to listen to that) which, in looking for a link, i just found out might be available on cd again. wheeeeee!

Five songs I listen to a lot, or that mean a lot to me:
i don't know about songs, or even albums for that matter, but i can give you artists...

ella fitzgerald (often in combo with louis armstrong)
big rude jake
black cabbage
paul simon

violent femmes

and in a past life billy joel, who still makes in on the list, but not in the top five anymore.

i'm not officially tagging anyone with this, but there are a few people who i know are very serious about their music and i'd be interested to see what they have to say. they are:
no one asked us (who snooze already tagged, and so probably he doesn't want to do it, which is cool)
st. snafu (who's on a break from blogging, apparently i'm not very good at tagging people)
kate (who doesn't actually have a blog, did i mention i'm bad at tagging people?)

Saturday, June 04, 2005

comfort foods

i thought i'd follow up the 'i am not a fat activist' post with a post about food, it seemed appropriate somehow...

right now i am sick. sick sick sick sick sick. what started as a mere cough progressed through to a head and chest cold.

which brings me to the topic at hand...

are there foods that you only eat when you're sick? or that at least figure more prominantly when you're sick...

for me it's something that i must have been given as a child when i was sick, i only ever think to make it when i'm sick and when i'm sick i almost always have it.

it's soft boiled eggs and a slice of toast cut up in a cup. it's delicious and it's somehow comforting. and i only ever think to have it when i'm sick. which is particularily odd when you think how easy it is.

basically you toast a slice of bread, you boil a couple eggs, you butter the toast (or you don't butter the toast and just put the butter you would have put on the toast right in the cup where it will melt and coat the bread anyway.) and rip it up into little bite sized pieces (actually, i cut it this time, but it used to always be a ripping thing in the past) put them in the bottom of the cup, then take your soft boiled eggs, crack them open and let the yolk pour over the bread (it will soak in and be tres yummy) then chop up the whites, add some salt and grind some pepper over the thing then mix the whole mess up, and voila! the perfect comfort food.

but probably only the perfect comfort food because it was given to me as such initially. it's all about context i guess.

so, do other people have this kind of thing, food that they need/crave/want when they are sick, or am i just a weirdo?

Thursday, June 02, 2005

i am not a fat activist

there seems to be a movement of fat activisim. i am not a part of that, not because i don't believe in it, i do in fact believe in it, but rather because it is not enough of a priority for me. there was a time when i was going to invest myself in it, decided to write a book called "Fabulous Attitudes Taboo" (F.A.T) - i never wrote the book, got distracted, instead i used the title for my blog and never address issues of being fat. kind of an interesting turn of events.

but normlr's post made me start thinking about being fat and about fat people and about how fat people are seen.

i am a fat chick. a very fat chick. i guess that means i should have opinions on these things.

and in truth, i do. there are things that drive me bonkers, like the assumption that if you're fat it's because you are weak. the assumption that being fat is due to a lack of will power. the assumption that being fat oh-so-obviously means you do nothing but eat shit food and sit around and watch tv.

i'm not saying there aren't fat people who don't eat shit food and sit and watch tv all day, although i'm willing to bet money there are thin, or at least 'not fat' people who do that too.

then there are fat people who eat reasonably healthy food, in very reasonable portions, who go to the gym regularily, who live a 'normal' life, but we're still fat.

there are so many reasons someone becomes fat, so very very many, and i won't get into all of them here obviously, but some examples are -- a way to try and build safety - the body's defence mechanism against sexal abuse as a kid (seriously, it's a very common reaction 'i'll just make myself as unattractive as possible and he'll keep his filthy paws off me'); a reaction to medication; a pre-existing medical problem; and of course, good ol' genetics. and none of these or any other 'causes' of obesity work in a vaccuum, it's a nice combination of things that play into something like this. it's certainly not a simple "geeze, they can't take care of themselves".

yes, the reason several memebers of the same family are all fat may stem from them all having the same bad eating and exercising habits, but it also may just stem from a genetic predisposition. who knows.

i dread going to the doctor because i dread 'the talk'. every year, every physical, she tells me i need to lose weight, as though it were just that i hadn't figured it out yet. she also sends me for a battery of tests, glucose (test for diabetes), cholesterol, thyroid (although that's just to monitor my meds, i've been hypo-thyroid my whole life, got diagnosed and medicated when i was 14 or so) and so on. she of course also test my blood pressure and does other random poking and proding. then she tells me i'm healthy. that all my tests come in at the good to very good range. and then she says "they shouldn't, but they do". she obviously completely believes that fat must automatically mean unhealthy. her words, though likely not ment to be, are filled with judgement. even if it's not intended, it's still heard.

i am constantly surrounded by things that try to make me believe that i am a bad person because i am fat. i like to think that i have a pretty healthy outlook about myself when it comes to my weight, it's very much 'this is me, take it or leave it' when it comes to meeting other people, and very much an issue of health otherwise, i focus on being healthy, not on losing weight. i focus on eating nourishing food in reasonable amounts and on getting a reasonable amount of activity in my life. but even still, even with this 'healthy outlook' i can't help occassionally getting sucked into the idea that i must be a bad person 'cause i'm fat.

depending on the airline/airplane i am one of those people who needs to ask for a seatbelt extender, and i cannot begin to tell you how humiliating it is to ask the attendant for that, in front of other people, within earshot of people. it makes me want to cry. to avoid having to face that, some people go to the length of buying their own airline seatbelt extender. i can't tell you how happy i was when i boarded the air canada flight and didn't need to ask for an extender (my previous experience was on air transat, where i did need one).

i was telling a friend about someone at work, she's a superstar, but she doesn't care about her appearance, in any way. this has nothing to do with the fact that she's fat (although she is) because you can still take care of your appearance no matter what body you have. anyway, like i said, she's a superstar, she does amazing work, she's funny as hell, and just, well, is a superstar. i was telling a friend about this and telling him that it gave me a bit of faith because you always hear stuff about how attractive people get ahead and not attractive people have to fight much harder. i said the respect and regard she gets gave me a bit of faith in the system, and then he (the friend) said to me "and, you have to admit, she might be why they decided to give you a chance". huh? first, i'd like to say, i might be fat, but i'm cute as hell and i present myself quite well at work, so the only thing he could be refering to here is the fat part, which was not actually part of what i had been talking about. second, i'm sorry, what? they hired me because they had success with another fat person, so they thought i might be good to? now, this particular friend says asinine things, things that tend to end up being hurtful and he never really understands why they would be hurtful (never with malicious intent, just without a lot of forethought, and perhaps a wee lack of empathy), so i'm not saying this is a standard example, but i'm willing to bet that if i were black and i was talking about another black woman in the office he wouldn't say that.

i don't know, this is getting really rediculously long and i should stop now. maybe i should start writing about this stuff more in my posts, so that i can stay a little tiny bit true to my blog title. i guess what i'm saying is, i'm not a fat activist, but maybe i should be...

also, normlr, i don't want you to take this as a personal attack or anything, i'm not upset at you or mad at you or anything, it just sparked some thoughts that i figured maybe i should get down. i'm not actually sure i even expressed them in here, or know what they are, i just sort of started rambling. so really actually, thank you for the spark, for the inertia... *grin*

cruel coincidence

my love returns today.

he has been in france for the last two and a half weeks and i have been aching with the absence of him. i have been missing him so very much, it really is beyond words.

today i take the day off work to pick him up at the airport, tomorrow i take the day off work just to spend time with him.

i have been obviously and expectedly excited.

today, however, i woke up with a throat swollen shut and a 'productive' cough. and really, woke up is a bit of an over-statement, since i didn't sleep much last night due to the aforementioned coughing.

apparently i have some bad karma floating around somewhere, otherwise this cold would have waited until i'd had a bit of time with my love, and perhaps not fallen on days that i had already booked at vacation days.

okay, just needed to whine. ;)

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