do you ever do something that even as you're doing it you're thinking to yourself how stupid it is and you wish you could just stop but you can't, the words keep coming and coming?
yeah. me too.
happened tonight in fact.
be forewarned this will be a boring post that you may wish to skip...
so, some background. there is this guy in the show who i really enjoy. really enjoy a great deal in fact. he's smart and funny and lovely. a bit out there and kind of in a rough place in his life, but just generally a good guy. so, now i'm trying to befriend him. basically i'm courting him in a totally platonic friend kind of way.
so, he has whispered the occasional thing in to my ear. and one thing was on the weekend that he said he thought about saying to someone but didn't feel he knew her well enough. then today he said he didn't know if he could resist it for the whole run. it was the kind of thing though that i could say to her. so, i said it to her.
i shouldn't have. it was pointless. there was no reason for me to say it. but i did it because on some stupid level i thought it would help this fellow i'm trying to befriend out of a bit of a bind. but it didn't. it was just dumb. and now i'm embarrassed.
i realise that was all convoluted and didn't make any sense, but i just wanted to get it off my chest.
Okay, apparently this needs some clarification 'cause no matter how much you warn people that it's going to be boring they don't tend to skip a posting.
I was keeping things convoluted to protect the innocent, but what the hell, fuck the innocent...
There is one costume in the show that someone, lets call her stacy ('cause, well, that's her name...) wears at one point that makes her breasts look very very nice.
At one point the fellow that I was saying I liked and was courting in platonic kind of way, lets call him Jeff ('cause again, that's his name) came over to me and said he really wanted to say something to her like "there's something about that costume that's really great... oh yeah, it's the cleavage" but he felt he didn't know her well enough to say something like that, and he doesn't.
So, a couple rehearsals later Jeff commented that he may not be able to keep himself from saying it to her. And this is where the "why oh why did i do that?!?!?!" moment comes in...
I knew that I could get away with saying something. I'm able to get away with more 'cause I'm a fellow woman, and well, I'm me, I'm crass, it's just the way I am. So for some reason I felt compelled to say something to her. I said something like "gee, that costume makes your boobs look really great". Now, I say "for some reason", but I know exactly why, it's two fold. First, it was a protective move, to try and diffuse a future situation in case Jeff couldn't help himself, which is odd, since, well, first, it's theatre and people say shit like that, and second, why should I care if he gets himself in trouble. The second reason, this is the one I can't pin point, but I think in some way it was me trying to show off to him or something, in some lame asinine way that makes no sense to me whatsoever. And as I was doing it I was regretting it. I mean, Stacy was fine with it, it had nothing to do with her reaction, she just laughed. But I felt like, I don't know, like I'd deliberately taken something away from Jeff or something.
I don't know, the whole thing is very convoluted and that's why the post was so confusing before. Basically though I just don't understand why I did it, since it resulted in me feeling like a schmuck, even though it didn't actually result in anything negative with anyone else.
Okay, did that make more sense?