kiki correspondence

i am going to post my response to an email i received from kiki because it rounds out the last post a bit. i am only going to include my responses and not her initial email since one can only assume that if she wanted her email to be on a public forum she would have posted it in the comments. it might get a bit confusing because i just did an inline reply, sorry guys.

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Although there was a bit of an initial start, honestly it didn't really upset me. Confused me, but didn't upset me.

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I certainly have no problem with opinions contrary to mine. In fact, although the way you asked the questions did feel a bit judgmental, there was no outright opinion, so there was nothing to agree or disagree with.

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I'm glad to know that my writing piques the interest of my readers. It's nice to know that people may want to know more. Having said that, it's my feeling that my blog is just that, it's *my* blog. People are obviously welcome to read it, and obviously welcome to comment on it, otherwise it would not be on the web and I would not have comments enabled. But beyond that the content is up to me. How much I do or do not decide to divulge in my blog is entirely up to me. You asked questions, so I decided to answer them to the best of my ability.

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In fact I made no such assumption. I am sorry if my response implied that I assumed you were a thin woman. It's not the case. If truth be told I didn't actually think of it one way or another. When I was answering I was only answering from my point of view and wasn't considering the history or background of anyone else because I cannot. I can speak with authority, but only on one subject, me and my experiences. When it comes to matters of emotions and feelings I can only write as it relates to me, and not to anything/anyone else.

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I have no reservations talking about my weight. It certainly isn't something I pretend isn't there, because, well, I'd have to be blind. But it also isn't something that I dwell on, I have a life to live, sometimes that includes dealing with being a fat chick, sometimes being a fat chick has nothing to do with it. As for issues, I have my share of issues to deal with, I deal with them slowly but surely, I am certainly not one to sherk them, however I also know that I can't do everything all at once. So, for all I know I do have issues around my weight, although honestly, I do think that the picture that you seem to have gotten of me through my blog doesn't seem to be a very accurate one, and really, so be it. How can one expect someone to glean an accurate picture of a person from random scribblings they choose to put on the internet, scribblings full of self-censoring for various and sundry reasons. I am actually quite fascinated by the picture of me that you seem to have developed.

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There is no way for me to convince you that this was not the case for me, and truthfully I don't feel the need for you to believe me, but if it means anything to you then let me just say again that I can assure you this was not the case for me. I am a very independent woman and ending up in a serious relationship so early probably surprised me more than anyone. I don't know how to say this without sounding petty, it certainly isn't how I mean it, but I have to take issue with the statement of "the one guy that loves them despite their weight and emotional baggage", honestly, my weight isn't that big a thing for men to overcome and as for emotional baggage, everyone has emotional baggage, it's just a fact of life. I had always been wooed by men, and some continued to try even once I was with John. As much as I love John dearly if for some reason we broke up, first of all I wouldn't feel the *need* to be with someone romatically, but if it was what I wanted I know that I would not have a problem finding a person to share my life with.

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I'm not sure where you are from (ah, the glory of the internet) so I do not know the legal rules there. In Canada (or at least Ontario, but I think it's country-wide) after you have lived together for one year you are legally considered married, you are common-law spouses. By these rules my partner and I have been married for 10 years. We have not had a wedding, but we are legally married. Having said that, this is one of the areas where we will have differing opinions because the point is moot. I will not change your mind on this, and you will not change mine, and that's just fine, there is not an answer that is right, only an answer that is right for us as individuals, so for you and i the 'right' answer happens to be different. To take your statement about the piece of paper though, you say 'why not just sign that damn unimportant paper' to which i counter, why bother signing the paper if it's so unimportant?

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I'm a little confused on where you're coming from on this one. I guess perhaps I described things inaccurately when I posted. When I said that friends told me not to bother replying it was not solicited advice, it was unprompted and simply emails i received, all but one were actually received *after* I had already replied. I didn't consult my friends or loved ones before I wrote, I discovered the comment on Monday evening before I left work, I thought about it on my walk home, I telephoned my grandmother (and certainly didn't talk to her about it, because then I'd have her reading my blog, which isn't really where I want to go...) and talked to her for a long time because it was the first time we'd talked since my grandfather died, and then I sat down to write my novel, er, post. Although it is wonderful to have the support of friends and I don't for a second pretend that I could get through my life completely alone and without support of any kind, they certainly do not dictate my actions or rule my decisions.

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*grin* Let me assure you that I do not surround myself with people who agree with me unconditionally. Where would be the room for self-challenge? Where would be the effective sounding board? Where would be the opportunity to learn? No, my friends disagree with me, I disagree with them. Sometimes we convince each other to change our minds about things, sometimes we just agree to disagree, respecting the opinion of the other, and certainly not requiring them to 'buy in' to a certain point of view.

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I'm not sure why you think that I don't have such friends in my life. I'm very intrigued because there seem to be many ideas about me that you have that really aren't the case, which makes me very curious about the persona I project on my blog.

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Honestly, I'm not mad. I'm not really anything. Well, that's a lie. I'm curious. I'm curious about why you felt you needed to say these things. I'm curious about how you've somehow become so invested in my life and how I live it. I'm curious about which lines you're reading between to inform these opinions. And I'm also very curious about how the fact that this has all happened over the relative anonymity of the internet has changed how you would approach this versus say, a stranger that you saw give a talk, or a public figure that you saw being interviewed over the course of several months or even years, basically someone that you have no existing relationship with other than that of an observer.

I am in fact a very introspective person, and a very self-aware person. I have no doubt that you won't believe that, and that's fine, you don't need to. I have done a lot of work to get myself to the point I am, a point of confidence, happiness, security, and self-love, and really that's what is important to me, it's not that someone else knows that.