i feel happy! i feel happy!

i'm not dead!
i'm not dead!
i'm getting better.
i feel fine.
i think i'd go for a walk...
i feel happy! i feel happy!

wait, maybe i like interviews...

so the interview yesterday felt really good.

it went from me being completely apathetic to me dying for the job in a matter of seconds.

why?

because i *love* the manager. the minute i met her i loved her. i knew i wanted to work with her. i love love love her. she is amazing.

it's funny to me when there are such intense feelings when you don't even really talk to someone. a couple jokes here and there, a nice solid hand shake, and then down to business, asking the interview questions, going over the critical path, certainly nothing to bond over.

but man. man oh man. i loved her. she was wicked. i want to work for her.

funny how quickly the tides turn, eh?

interview assignments suck

for my interview today i have to make a presentation. i have to write a presentation. god i'm tired of this game.

here we go, the assignment is:

the **** policy branch is responsible for developing a broad range of **** policy to support access for all *****.

develop a critical path that outlines the steps that need to be taken to develop and implement a comprehensive policy for ***.

now, critical paths are useful important things. but good god. i really don't feel like creating one for a hypothetical situation for an interview. i have decided there is no way i'm going to do the diagram, and that i *may* do a fullsome chart outlining the length and dependancies, but more likely i will just put forward a big list and say "lets do this chronologically and ignore the idea that some of it can be done in a paralel way and focus on step by step and make there be implicit dependencies." because, well, i'm bloody tired.

critical path. for an interview. bloody hell. who do they think they're kidding?!?!?!?!

politically incorrect

i have a confession.

i know this is politically incorrect, i know i should find it disgusting, but i don't.

i find men who smoke very attractive.

if i see a guy on the street that i think is kind of cute, and then he pull out a cigarette and lights it i nearly cream my jeans when he comes my way...

i know i should be repulsed (even though i smoke), or at the very least, indifferent. but i'm not. i *love* it.

*shaking head* so bad...

*tut tut tut*

there's my confession for the day.

disillusionment

I am in search of a permanent job.

I have a job, but it is contract. That means no drug benefits, no heath benefits, no dental or vision benefits, less time off, less sick days (which will become important when I go for my surgery someday…), and more important than that it means that every so often I have to wonder where I’ll be at the end of my contract. I have to figure out if they’ll be able to extend me, and if they can’t I have to hustle to find somewhere else to go.

I am not worried that I will be without a job; I have enough contacts and enough of a reputation that it won’t be an issue. But the uncertainty of it all is exhausting.

I know that I’m lucky to have a job, a good job, work with good people, make good money, do interesting work. I do know that. I know that there are many who are not so lucky. But it’s been 5 years now, I’m ready for some stability; hence my search for the permanent job.

But here’s the trick. In my organization about 90% of the jobs that get posted permanently have incumbents. Chances are if someone’s been doing the job for a year or two they’re going to get the position, and they bloody well deserve to. Of course the thing that kills me is the fact that in order to comply with union rules they have to hold the 'competition' in the first place.

It's making it very difficult for me to get excited about any interview (like the one I have tomorrow for instance) because there is so little chance of me getting the position. There is a definite case of apathy setting in here.

Bleh. Bleh bleh bleh. Did I mention bleh?

just so you know...

as a follow up to my earlier post about meeting up with rhett.

rhett is awesome. very much fun was had tonight (even if he and john did spend an inordinate amount of time talking about IT issues). apparently even when i was 8 i had very good taste in friends...

the big 'O'

I bet you're all expecting some exciting some exciting orgasmic post now, but unfortunatly you will be sorely disappointed, it will be a plain old boring run-of-the-mill kind of post that will say...

I'm in Ottawa for the weekend!

we're going to be checking out the wild night-life the capital has to offer tonight, and then hanging out with my grandma in carp tomorrow.

But there is actually a cool bit to this too... tonight we're going out with my friend Rhett. Now, saying 'my friend' is perhaps stretching things, since i haven't hung out with Rhett since I was 12. But when I was 7, 8 and 9 he was my best friend. We both lived in Lusaka (Zambia) and hung out all the time. It was the 80's, ghostbusters was a big thing, so one thing I remember clearly was that we were "bug busters". I remember us being at some barbeque somewhere and having costumes of some description and flitting about on the property capturing bugs in jars. oh yes, I was an adventurous and exciting child, let me tell you...

Anyway, a couple years ago I wrote a post about people that I'd like to get in touch with again based on the theory that if anyone googled them who knew them, or if they googled themselves, that they might find my blog and find out that I was looking for them. Well, it worked! Last year I got an email out of the blue from Rhett and all it said was "I hear you're looking for me."

I have to say, sometimes the workings of the interweb excite me a great deal (no Dickey, not just the porn, a different kind of excite...). So, tonight I am going to go out for drinks with someone that I had completely lots touch with and lost track of.

Yay internet!

here's a good one for ewe...

while playing scrabble tonight i discovered a new word. the word means to copulate with a ewe. i can't remember what the word is, which is frustrating, because whatever it was, it made me laugh uproariously.

grrrr.

p.s. i'm a little frightened to use google to find the word that means to copulate with a ewe...

p.p.s. okay, apparently i'm willing to go all lengths for you people, i googled it. the word in question is "tup".

p.p.p.s. i was disappointed to find it was not as dirty as i initially thought based on the limited definition in the scrabble dictionary (to copulate with a ewe), apparently it only applied to rams. i guess i take back my incessant giggles, sorry savino. *sheepishly hangs head* (pun intended of course...)

p.p.p.p.s. i find it strange that it's "a ewe" and not "an ewe", i thought preceeding a vowel it was always "an" not "a", ah well, good thing i never claimed to be a grammar freak.

dream interpretation anyone?

last night i dreamt that i was meeting john for the first time.

i was going for a walk, ran into him, and for some reason he brought be home to meet his family.

okay, maybe not so weird yet, but wait, there's more! you also get this indestructable utility knife... oh, wait, sorry, wrong script.

in this dream john is a practicing old fashioned mennonite, the kind that doesn't use power (heh, john without power tools, hehehe), don't have cars, things like that.

he took me home to meet his parents, who were not at all his parents in the waking world (in fact, his dad died when he was a baby, so i've never met his dad, so maybe it was his waking world dad, we'll never know...), they were the parents of this nice but strict and suspicious mennonite family.

eventually it was time for me to go home but i didn't want to walk through the forest alone (they lived in a forest, because apparently they were hermits as well as mennonites? i'm not sure, dreams are weird, i try not to look too deeply) and it was pouring rain. mennonite john said he'd walk me home even though it was pouring out (awwwww).

and then either i don't remember or i woke up.

it was completely bizarre and completely banal at the same time.

say it ain't so!

so, as far as i can gleen from this article in toronto life, daniel macivor is going to stop performing in his one-man shows. which really sucks because i have yet to have the opportunity to see him in one, but i LOVE his work.

grrr.

god i love spring

i love it so much. the bright sun. the sheding of layers. the gradual greening of the environment.

when we lived in guelph it would be around now that our baby hyasinths (i can't spell and i'm too lazy to look it up) would be poking up out of the ground and we would be starting to spend a huge amount of time out on the back deck.

we need to work on something similar here.

i'm not noticing blubs, so i'm thinking of buying some flowering bulbs to beautify the house and then planting them when they stop flowering. i would love to cut down the strange tree in our front space, because although i LOVE trees, this one is a tall skinny evergreen of some description that makes you feel a bit like you're being attacked when you try to enter the front door, so i'd like it gone so that the garden out front can become an actual garden...

this time of year has me itching for beautiful outdoor spaces and organized indoor spaces. we need to declutter. we need to get rid of stuff, we're bursting at the seams, things don't have a 'home' so their 'home' becomes the floor or a table or the desk or on an on.

this is a very random post, a bit scattered, i think i'm feeling a bit random and a bit scattered.

TO post: housing in toronto

i'm putting this back at the top because i'm afraid it got lost in the little soap opera of the last couple days...

and now, moving on the the banal blog bits...

i have a friend who is looking for a 1 bedroom apartment in downtown toronto for may 1st.

his preference would be in a house (not in a basement), and beyond that a heritage type home would be nice, he'd love to have moulding and fixtures and the like. i'm not sure if he needs outdoor space, but surely that is always prefered. i also don't know if he needs parking, but he has a car, so i assume he does. his absolute max budget is $1200 inclusive, but he said it better be bloody nice for that price. ;) he says he's not too worried about space, although i think in realistic terms it can't be a tiny place because he and his girlfriend are both going to live there together, tiny space + two people = big potential for conflict.

anyway, i've been scanning craigslist and viewit, but if anyone knows of an apartment coming up that is super funky please let me know either in the comments or by email.

thanks guys!

late breaking news: there is indeed an end to my patience!

yes, that's right, kiki finally crossed my line.

for all those keeping score apparently the way to get to me is to attack my mother in the comments siting things you know nothing about.

congratulations kiki, you found my line and leapt confidently over it.

the funny thing is that the only thing that was really bothering me about this before was when she was saying things about john and making assumptions about him and his motives.

i think this is coming from the fact that kiki is right to an extend, i choose to put my blog out there, i choose to accept the consequences, but when she implicates john or my mother she is implicating people who have not chosen to be in the public eye, people who are there only because of me, people who haven't been in control of what is written or not written about them.

yep. kiki crossed the line.

the end.

kiki correspondence

i am going to post my response to an email i received from kiki because it rounds out the last post a bit. i am only going to include my responses and not her initial email since one can only assume that if she wanted her email to be on a public forum she would have posted it in the comments. it might get a bit confusing because i just did an inline reply, sorry guys.

**********************************************************

Although there was a bit of an initial start, honestly it didn't really upset me. Confused me, but didn't upset me.

***

I certainly have no problem with opinions contrary to mine. In fact, although the way you asked the questions did feel a bit judgmental, there was no outright opinion, so there was nothing to agree or disagree with.

***

I'm glad to know that my writing piques the interest of my readers. It's nice to know that people may want to know more. Having said that, it's my feeling that my blog is just that, it's *my* blog. People are obviously welcome to read it, and obviously welcome to comment on it, otherwise it would not be on the web and I would not have comments enabled. But beyond that the content is up to me. How much I do or do not decide to divulge in my blog is entirely up to me. You asked questions, so I decided to answer them to the best of my ability.

***

In fact I made no such assumption. I am sorry if my response implied that I assumed you were a thin woman. It's not the case. If truth be told I didn't actually think of it one way or another. When I was answering I was only answering from my point of view and wasn't considering the history or background of anyone else because I cannot. I can speak with authority, but only on one subject, me and my experiences. When it comes to matters of emotions and feelings I can only write as it relates to me, and not to anything/anyone else.

***

I have no reservations talking about my weight. It certainly isn't something I pretend isn't there, because, well, I'd have to be blind. But it also isn't something that I dwell on, I have a life to live, sometimes that includes dealing with being a fat chick, sometimes being a fat chick has nothing to do with it. As for issues, I have my share of issues to deal with, I deal with them slowly but surely, I am certainly not one to sherk them, however I also know that I can't do everything all at once. So, for all I know I do have issues around my weight, although honestly, I do think that the picture that you seem to have gotten of me through my blog doesn't seem to be a very accurate one, and really, so be it. How can one expect someone to glean an accurate picture of a person from random scribblings they choose to put on the internet, scribblings full of self-censoring for various and sundry reasons. I am actually quite fascinated by the picture of me that you seem to have developed.

***

There is no way for me to convince you that this was not the case for me, and truthfully I don't feel the need for you to believe me, but if it means anything to you then let me just say again that I can assure you this was not the case for me. I am a very independent woman and ending up in a serious relationship so early probably surprised me more than anyone. I don't know how to say this without sounding petty, it certainly isn't how I mean it, but I have to take issue with the statement of "the one guy that loves them despite their weight and emotional baggage", honestly, my weight isn't that big a thing for men to overcome and as for emotional baggage, everyone has emotional baggage, it's just a fact of life. I had always been wooed by men, and some continued to try even once I was with John. As much as I love John dearly if for some reason we broke up, first of all I wouldn't feel the *need* to be with someone romatically, but if it was what I wanted I know that I would not have a problem finding a person to share my life with.

***

I'm not sure where you are from (ah, the glory of the internet) so I do not know the legal rules there. In Canada (or at least Ontario, but I think it's country-wide) after you have lived together for one year you are legally considered married, you are common-law spouses. By these rules my partner and I have been married for 10 years. We have not had a wedding, but we are legally married. Having said that, this is one of the areas where we will have differing opinions because the point is moot. I will not change your mind on this, and you will not change mine, and that's just fine, there is not an answer that is right, only an answer that is right for us as individuals, so for you and i the 'right' answer happens to be different. To take your statement about the piece of paper though, you say 'why not just sign that damn unimportant paper' to which i counter, why bother signing the paper if it's so unimportant?

***

I'm a little confused on where you're coming from on this one. I guess perhaps I described things inaccurately when I posted. When I said that friends told me not to bother replying it was not solicited advice, it was unprompted and simply emails i received, all but one were actually received *after* I had already replied. I didn't consult my friends or loved ones before I wrote, I discovered the comment on Monday evening before I left work, I thought about it on my walk home, I telephoned my grandmother (and certainly didn't talk to her about it, because then I'd have her reading my blog, which isn't really where I want to go...) and talked to her for a long time because it was the first time we'd talked since my grandfather died, and then I sat down to write my novel, er, post. Although it is wonderful to have the support of friends and I don't for a second pretend that I could get through my life completely alone and without support of any kind, they certainly do not dictate my actions or rule my decisions.

***

*grin* Let me assure you that I do not surround myself with people who agree with me unconditionally. Where would be the room for self-challenge? Where would be the effective sounding board? Where would be the opportunity to learn? No, my friends disagree with me, I disagree with them. Sometimes we convince each other to change our minds about things, sometimes we just agree to disagree, respecting the opinion of the other, and certainly not requiring them to 'buy in' to a certain point of view.

***

I'm not sure why you think that I don't have such friends in my life. I'm very intrigued because there seem to be many ideas about me that you have that really aren't the case, which makes me very curious about the persona I project on my blog.

***

Honestly, I'm not mad. I'm not really anything. Well, that's a lie. I'm curious. I'm curious about why you felt you needed to say these things. I'm curious about how you've somehow become so invested in my life and how I live it. I'm curious about which lines you're reading between to inform these opinions. And I'm also very curious about how the fact that this has all happened over the relative anonymity of the internet has changed how you would approach this versus say, a stranger that you saw give a talk, or a public figure that you saw being interviewed over the course of several months or even years, basically someone that you have no existing relationship with other than that of an observer.

I am in fact a very introspective person, and a very self-aware person. I have no doubt that you won't believe that, and that's fine, you don't need to. I have done a lot of work to get myself to the point I am, a point of confidence, happiness, security, and self-love, and really that's what is important to me, it's not that someone else knows that.

F.A.T. - a response to Kiki

okay folks, this is going to be a long one, just to forewarn you...

so, i got asked some interesting questions in the comments of my last post. although the questions felt a bit out of the blue (and to be honest, a bit accusatory, but we'll let that slide) and i'm not sure i understood them all, and kiki didn't leave an email so i could clarify, i thought i'd respond to them as i understood them...

i read the comment tonight before i left work tonight and could think of nothing else as i walked home tonight.

first i have to thank ink for her comment in response. it was very appreciated and in a lot of ways filled in a lot of my own thoughts. it's also nice to hear that kind of affirmation from someone i don't know (other than through the blog world) who really has nothing invested in me.

i have had friends tell me not to bother responding but i am taking kiki at face value and even though s/he posed things in a way that felt very judgemental i am going to assume that the statement that the questions were not meant that way, and so i am going to respond with that in mind. i figure it raises interesting questions and it's been a long time since i've written a F.A.T. post, so what the heck, right?

so, kiki said:

I don't think that you have really opened up about your weight issues. I think you are holding back on even mentioning weight issues. I'm talking about the mentality of weight, not so much the physical aspect of it. So what is your opinion about it? How does it feel? "really" feel? Have you come to terms with your weight issues or are you still struggling or are you ignoring it?

i'm not sure what is meant by my "weight issues". i'm going to guess that kiki wants to know what it's like to be fat. and i guess i'm an authority on what it is like for *me* to be fat, although i suspect that like anything there are similarities between fat folks, and differences. in the same way that i react in a certain way to having an alcoholic father and others may react differently to their alcoholic parents there are some comminalities.

so, what does it feel like to be fat? well, i don't know. i mean, i know how i feel, but i don't know how it compares to feeling thin, if that makes any sense. i know that i would rather not be fat. i know that there are a miriade of factors that lead to my weight. i know that there is a damn good chance that i will be fat the rest of my life.

but how does it feel? well, it feels like i'm being judged a lot. sometimes i wonder what people are thinking when they look at me. i wonder what assumptions people make about me because i'm fat. i know there are people who make assumptions. i know there are people who assume it means i am a sedentary slob who comes home and eats chips and watches tv all night. and depending on my mood that affects me. most of the time i'm pretty secure in the knowledge that i go to the gym, that i eat well, that junk food does not make up a big part of my food intake, that i am more active in my life (i don't just mean exercise, i mean going out, i mean exploring my city, i mean entertaining friends, i mean all the things that are involved in having an active life), and so often i am satisfied by that knowledge. but sometimes, just sometimes, when someone looks at me and i feel like it's about my weight i wish i could sit them down and explain. explain that i try. explain that i am not some sloth who doesn't have any self-respect and doesn't take care of herself. sometimes i want to tell folks all the factors involved in my weight. and who knows, maybe this is the forum for it.

so, here's a bit of a medical history. first - overall i am a very healthy human. i have normal glucose levels. i have normal cholesterol. i have normal blood pressure. i have a normal heart rate. i can work my ass off at the gym, do half an hour on the eliptical trainer at level 7 for 30 minutes running at 110 rpms and then do the weight lifting circut (but damn, do i ever like the hot tub after that...). that's the first overall picture of my health.

but then there are the complicating factors. perhaps i'll give you a timeline...

i have/am hypothyroid, since birth. hypothyroid doesn't (always) make you gain weight, but it makes it bloody difficult to lose it. i am medicated for this, and will be for the rest of my life, but it will never be a 'normal' thyroid. this is also why i am only 5' tall.

here's the closest we're going to get to weight caused by emotional issues... when i was in grade nine i had some really shitty stuff happen with a male adult in my life (as an alarming number of people have) and between september and christmas of that year i gained 50lbs. i don't think it was a concious effort, but i know that i thought if i could make myself as unattractive as possible it would stop. it eventually did, but i'm not sure it had anything to do with my weight gain.

i also have a family full of fat folks, and i can't imagine that there isn't some kind of hereditary aspect to everything. my parents are both fat, as is my aunt.

when i was 18 i was finally diagnosed with clinical depression. i was put on paxil. i gained 40lbs. it is a common side-effect of the drug. when i went off the drug i did not lose the weight.

when i was 22 i was finally diagonsed with chronic clinical depression (runs in my family) and was put back on paxil. i gained another 40lbs. eventually i was switched to celexa which does not have as seve weight gain side effects and is a very good maintenance drug, but not a good 'pull you out of it' drug, effexor was not around yet, or at least not widely known, so the paxil was needed to 'pull me out of it'.

i have studied nutrition and nutritional trends for many many many years. i generally eat very well, but have (had?) a tendancy to not eat when stressed or busy. camille once told me that i used to have terrible eating habits because i wouldn't eat breakfast until 11 or so, she was right. i spent a lot of time fucking over my metabolism by not eating. i guess we all have our stress reactions, and they aren't always healthy. i try not to do this now. i have compromised by having a shake for breakfast every morning because at least i'm having something so my blood sugar doesn't dump too much, and it's fast so i'm much more likely to have it.

this year i was diagnosed with poly cystic ovarian syndrom (PCOS). one of the side effects of PCOS is obesity. specifically belly weight. most of my weight is in my belly.

one of the things about PCOS is that traditional diets (weight watchers, nutri system, blah blah) actually make you *gain* weight because the problem is it's all about insulin and it's effects on your body, which means diets that cut out fats in a radical way (which means cutting out a lot of protein) actually work against you. and i am living proof of this. every time i dieted i gained weight. i have in fact found a food lifestyle that works for me, i now focus on the glycemic index when i eat. well, focus is a strong word, but i try and live by it a bit, i try and mitigate the glucose my system has to process by eating protein, fiber and 'healthy carbs' together, so that my blood sugar doesn't spike. i have in fact lost about 30lbs in the past 8 months or so by losely following the principles of gi eating. and here you will find my 'issues' coming out again. i have told very few people this. i am completely paranoid that if i tell people i'm losing weight i will stop losing it. but what the hell, now i'm telling all you, and if i stop losing it, so be it.

there are actually a couple of good things about the PCOS diagnosis. first, it has confirmed my need to be very careful about my blood sugar levels, and my need to follow something like the gi way of eating. the other thing it did is reveal my tumour. it was the ultrasound for the PCOS diagnosis that revealed the tumour (more on this later...)

so, there is the timeline of my weight. i'm sure it's not what kiki is interested in. i also know that it sounds a bit like a justification, and maybe it is.

what i know is that being fat is always more complicated than it seems on the surface.

as for how does it feel... well, i'd love to be smaller, i'd love to be able to buy clothes at funky consignment stores like courage my love, i'd love to be able to sit on an airplane and not worry about whether or not the seatbelt will fit (for the record, it doesn't on air transat, but every other airline it does) because there is nothing more humiliating than having to ask for that seat belt extender. i would love to not feel judged by my weight, but the truth is, if it wasn't my weight it would be something else. people judge. it's what they do. it would be my hair, or my clothes, or that i talk too much, or that i don't talk enough, that i reveal too much, that i don't reveal enough. as much as i would love to not be fat i am under no illusions that being thin would solve all my problems. in fact, i'm pretty sure it would solve only very few, very superficial problems. i would still be chronic depressive. i would still have father issues. i would still have trouble standing up to people i see in positions of authority. i would still have a tendancy to put others before me. those are my biggest issues in my life right now, and not one single one of them would change.

what would change? well, i'd be happy to go to canada's wonderland again (i always worry that i won't fit in the seats), i'd be happy to horse back ride again (i always worry that i'm hurting the horse), i'd be happy to buy clothes in a 'normal person' store for half the price.

you want things that are more significant? hmmm. well, i have often thought that i am successful in my career despite my weight. it would be nice to go to a club and dance my ass off (which i do now) and not all of a sudden be struck by the thought that people may be thinking "who is this fat chick and what does she think she's doing dancing like that" (which i am sometimes struck by).

but here's the truth. i am not defined by my weight. i don't actually know what i am defined by, but it's not my weight, it's not the clothes i wear, it's not my hair (okay, maybe it's my hair...) i would hope that i'm defined by my actions. i don't even know what that means to be honest. perhaps this is my main issue, although it has nothing to do with weight and so perhaps has nothing to do with this post, but maybe my main issue is that i don't know how i'm defined. but i do know that the things that are important to me in my life are my friends, my family and learning. in no particular hiarchy, those are all equally the things that are most important to me in life. luckily i am blessed by many amazing friends, many amazing family members (most notably my mother and brother) and many wonderful learning opportunites.

honestly, if i don't talk much on my blog about my 'weight issues' it's because they are such a minor player in my life that they just aren't as interesting. i am not for a second trying to say that i don't have any, i defy any fat person in our society to not have issues with their size, no matter how healthy and well balanced they are, but they certainly aren't all consuming or omin-present. so i don't know if i've "come to terms" or if i'm "struggling", but i don't think i'm "ignoring" them.

okay, so that was the straight forward part. now to kiki's question that i really actually don't understand but i'll give it my best shot...

kiki said:

Also, about your partner. Who is he exactly? Is he your love/life partner? If you've been together for so long with him, you sure started this relationship when you were very young. Again, I can't help but link your "issus" with having his need to be in a serious relationship at such a young age. If he is your life partner, why aren't you married to him?

john is my love/life partner. he is absolutely the love of my life. these questions raised a couple questions for me though. first, what makes you think we aren't married? we haven't had a wedding (you'll have to talk to him on this one) but i refer to him as my husband as well as my partner, and he refers to me as his wife as well as his partner. even if we had had a wedding, i would still refer to him as my partner. i don't feel the need to decalre the fact that my relationship is a heterosexual one, i am not defined by my sexuality, people can make whatever assumtions they want, the fact that john is a man is immaterial, the fact that he is my partner is the important part.

we did start our relationship young. i was 18, he was 22 (damn cradle robbers!). we got our first apartment together when i was 19 and he was 23. it scared the shit out of everyone around us, including us. in all honesty, as much as we loved each other, i often say i got married by default. before we lived together officially he lived with me at my father's house 6 days out of the week. when i was 19 my father's partner moved in with her two kids, i was basically told i could start sharing my room or i could move out (but that's another story...). john and i were forced to make a difficult decision. i could not afford to have my own apartment, but i also could not move in with a roommate and then have my boyfriend stay over 6 nights out of 7. we decided that we would move in together. we loved each other, but if the truth was to be told, it was a move of convenience. that was 11 years ago (well, minus a month, it was may 7th). we have been living together ever since.

this is where i get fuzzy, i honestly don't understand where my 'weight issues' have anything to do with getting married young.

i'll do my best to answer the question though. why so serious so young? well, the only answer i have is that it wasn't planned. i didn't intend to have a lifelong relationship with this dude i had a crush on. i didn't intend to fall in love. i didn't intend to go through university a married woman. i didn't plan for any of it. but it happened.

and anyone who has met john can tell you that it makes perfect sense. john is an amazing man. sure we've had our rough patches, i'm not sure that anyone who has been together for 12 years hasn't, but we have worked through them, we have put an effort into the relationship because it was worth keeping. i can't imagine ever loving anyone as much as i love john. i can't imagine anyone fitting with me as well as he does. i don't belive in shit like 'he completes me', he doesn't, i'm complete without him, but things are better when he's around, i'm better when he's around. he challenges me, he teaches me, he respects me. but trust me, if you knew john you'd know why someone would want to spend their life with him. i'm pretty sure that those that read my blog who know him can attest to that.

and so, there you have it, my rediculously long response to kiki's comments, i spent almost an hour and 15 minutes writing this, i think that's the longest i've ever spent on a blog, i hope folks have the patience to read it.

kiki, i have a question for you... what prompted you to ask these questions? also, if you knew about how long john and i had been together and you had a general sense that i was avoiding talking about fat issues, how long have you been reading the blog and what made you think i had issues i was avoiding?

one last thought, just because i don't talk about something on my blog doesn't mean that i'm avoiding it, it simply means that i don't feel like talking about it on my blog, for any of a myriad of reasons, just because it is a personal blog i don't think that means that i am obliged to divulge every single thing that i think about and that i have to share all my personal bits (yes yes dickey, i know, i know) on the blog. i may be censoring because i may not want the world to read it. i may censor because i don't want my mother or my brother to read it (as much as i love you guys there are likely some things in my life that i don't want to tell you). i may censor it because i just think it wouldn't actually be of interest to my readers. or it may just not occur to me to write about it in this forum. having said all that, apparently if you ask me, i will answer. ;)

i'll be back later...

so today i stayed home sick because of the thing in my eye and some weird stomach fluish thing i've got.

since i'm pretty whiny and boring right now i'm going to hold off on the writing anything more for a bit. i think i'll start again next week.

before i sign off though i will say that "v for vendetta" is a great movie. although they could perhaps have been a bit subtler in the nazi references, but what the heck.

okay, i will now take some time to recharge and become my normal cheery, or at least vaguely interesting, self.

nope, not yet

so, last night i ordered pizza, not enough energy to get groceries. as you can imagine, the lack of energy means lack of pictures posted.

i'm in a very weird space. i haven't dealt with my grandfather's death. i started feeling it on the plan, wept for a bit, then managed to stop because, well, weeping on a plane is embarassing.

but i pushed the feeling down in a way that it now sits in my chest, hovering, waiting to come out at some unexpected time. my plan was to try and access it last night when i got home, but instead i wimped out, i watched television and dulled my brain so i didn't have to think about it.

we shall see what today brings.

i'm baaaackkk

so, you'll notice that there are no saturday or sunday pictures up yet. that's because i was away from a computer, and then when i was in computer vacinity i was exhausted.

we shall see what comes of time with computer and photos available in the next few days.

and now i'm dragging my jet lagged self back to my work...

a five thousand word essay

they say a picture is worth a thousand words, so i submit to you my five thousand word essay on how we spend out friday...