they're baaaack....

the best of blog (aka bob) awards are back. it's fun to cruise through the nominations.

tonight, we're gonna party like it's 2006!

we're havin' a party tonight at our place to ring in the new year. all are welcome. if you'd like to come just drop me an email and i'll get you directions etc.

happy new year's eve everyone! *waves*

depression update

well, i'm by no means better, but i am on the mend.

yesterday i made sure i had my multi and an extra vitamin b, that helped.

and, well, time, time helps too.

last night i managed not only to stay up until 11:30 (i'd gone to bed at 6pm the night before, sleeping is my depression reaction) but i also managed to go out grocery shopping AND make dinner. it might not sound like much, but for me depression is so dabilitating that when i'm in the thick of it those things would be impossible.

so, today is better. i'm not 100%, but i'm also not cringing at the idea of co-workers saying hello to me.

also, today is john's birthday, which is super fun, i think he's going to really like what i got him for his birthday, and we're thinking of going to saffron tree for lunch buffet (mmmm. saffron tree...) 'cause it's between our offices and they have delicious food. of course, that will involve going out in the cold, so who knows.

trying to decide what to do for / with him tonight. he's not so good at coming up with stuff he wants to do, and i guess if there is any day he's allowed to abdicate decision-making it's on his birthday. suggestions?

on a good note...

just thought i'd follow up my big long bitchy post from this morning with something a bit more upbeat...

john is the most wonderful person on the planet.

i love this man so very very very much.

i appreciate more than words can express the way he quietly takes care of me when i slam into depressions like this one.

yesterday he came home early from work to make sure i was okay.

this morning he was late for work because he was waiting for me, without me asking him, and without him saying he was, he just patiently waited to see me out the door, he even took the streetcar with me, because he knows that sometimes when i'm depressed i get paralyzed. i would have sat in the living room not getting ready for hours and not even noticed the time pass. so he waited with me. made sure i got where i was going. all at the cost of him being late for work.

he really is an amazing person. i am so very lucky to have him in my life.

blah de fucking blah blah

i don't know.

what don't i know? well, right now it feels like i don't know a bloody thing. i'm sure that's wrong, for instance, i'm typing, which means, i must know how to type, but other than that i don't know a bloody thing.

yesterday i went to get an ultrasound, then i spent the day (and this morning so far) brutally fucking depressed. i'm not sure how these two things relate, but i have no doubt that they do.

really, this is one of those posts that is more for me than anyone else, although you are obviously all more than welcome to read it, it will be long and drawn out and likely boring.

and, with that preamble out of the way, let me start from the beginnging. my doctor said she thinks i might have polycystic ovarian disorder (or something like that), so, i have to do blood work, and get an ultrasound. yesterday was the ultrasound. it was a transvaginal ultrasound. it was not fun. first they do a standard pelvic ultrasound, but your bladder has to be full to bursting, so when they push the thing that shows them pictures (presumably it is something that emits sonic waves...) directly onto my bladder with some force i fought back the tears, 'cause, well, i'm pretty sure my full bladder is not meant to be pushed on like that.

then they let me pee (thank the gods).

then i got back, they asked me if i was allergic to latex, put a condom on the big long probe, and went to probing.

which took a long time. and it hurt. a lot.

now, i'm the type that hurts a lot when i get a pap for various reasons of tightness and tipped uterus and so on. this is a different kind of hurt. the probe, for all it's length, compared to a speculum is pretty thin, maybe an inch in diameter. so the width is not an issue. however, the fact that they have to put a great deal of pressure on your cervix, and indeed on your ovaries themselves, well, that is an issue.

i remember the first time i got an internal-external from my doctor. the one where they squeeze your ovaries. she said 'this is going to be a bit uncomfortable' then squeezed away, with me making a very loud noise of protest and nearly jumping off the table, at which point she said 'actually, it kind of feels more like a guy being kicked in the nuts, but i figured you didn't want to hear that'.

yeah, well, that's what this was like, only, prolonged.

so i spent my morning in excruciating pain. the bits that i missed out in there? well, first, they'd put me in the computer wrong, so my appointment wasn't actually booked. also, no one told me i needed to have a full bladder, so i had to go, the technician asked if i had a full bladder, i said it didn't seem too full or empty, she said we'd try. she told me to lay down, she told me to pull down my pants, spread whatever it was they use or ultrasound that feels and looks an awful lot like ky all over my pubic bone, started the ultrasound and then clucked with annoyance that we were no where near, tossed the paper sheet thing at me and told me to clean myself up, drink some water and wait outside. the benefit of this is that when my bladder was full i had a different technician (it was an ultrasound farm, there were probably 8 ultrasounds going on at once) for the transvaginal, thank the gods. oh, and when they were done the transvaginal the condom came off inside me and no one noticed, so it wasn't until i was left alone to once again clean the lube off my pubic bone, pubes and crotch that the condom made itself known and i removed it.

the results of the test? well, i don't know, they aren't allowed to discuss them with me, that will have to wait for my doctor, which won't be until january. but it sure as hell sounds from their conversations (the doctor and technician) that i at least have polycystic ovaries, if not polycystic ovarian syndrome.

i spend the rest of the day very very depressed and in a lot of pain.

i spent it mostly sleeping.

today? today i still feel depressed. and i don't mean blue. i mean full fledged honest to goodness depressed. like, pre-meds depressed.

i don't know what it was about the test that triggered it, but it sure as hell feels like that's what happened, the timing is too exact.

there is a duality to me right now. there is me, interacting with the world, and me, watching myself interact with the world. i watch people try to be nice to me, try to talk to me, try to interact like normal, and i watch my reactions, i watch myself shut them out, shut them down, i try to talk like a normal person but i can't. i want to have a conversation, but much much more than that i want them to go away so that i don't have to pretend i'm okay.

bleh.

i can only assume that this will pass shortly, and god i hope so, because this is hell. not that i needed reminding, i remembered just fine, but this is a solid reminder of just how horrible being depressed is.

alcohol question

a magnum of champagne serves how many people?

christmas shopping you'd like...

now that's what i call good christmas shopping

har har har

got this in my email:

Day Off
I urgently needed a few days off work, but I knew the Boss would not allow me to take a leave. I thought that maybe if I acted "CRAZY" then he would tell me to take a few days off.

So I hung upside down on the ceiling and made funny noises. My co-worker asked me what I was doing? I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb so that the Boss ! would think I was "CRAZY" and give me a few days off.

A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked "What are you doing ?"
I told him I was a light bulb. He said "You are clearly stressed out. Go home and recuperate for a couple of days". I jumped down and walked out of the office.

When my co-worker followed me, the Boss asked her ..."And where do you think you're going?"

She said (the best retort EVER!), "I'm going home too, I can't work in the dark."

i know this is just a joke, but i wish i could think of this kind of line quick off the top of my head.

should i or shouldn't i?

i'm debating having a new year's eve party.

if i have one will anyone be around to join us?

an ontario-centric post

just got an email from john that made me laugh my ass off:

I saw Mike Harris again just now in the lobby.

He looked like he was having a bad day.

This brightened mine considerably.

This probably makes me a bad person, right?

a public apology to dantallion

dan, i'm sorry i didn't get to meet up with you.

yes. that's right. i was in montreal and somehow i missed out on the opportunity to meet dantallion in the flesh.

the combination of snow up to my neck (okay, maybe just my knee, but, well, i'm a big fan of hyperbole) and it being crazy holiday season meant that every day i would plan about 5 things and maybe manage to get half of 1 thing done.

so, once again, dan, i am very very very sorry. i really want to meet you. i'll be back soon to stalk you.

the big day

so, today's the day i head to montreal. excited? i am!

except for the squeezing onto the subway during rush hour with luggage to get to the trainstation. but other than that, totally psyched!

4 days seems far too short. i wish i had taken the whole week off and done weekend to weekend. but alas, 'tis not to be so.

still, 4 days is a good long time. i am excited. yippeee!

who the what now?

so, it would appear that christmas is the weekend after next. not entirely sure how that happened. one second it's summer, the next christmas is two weeks away and the only thing i've gotten so far is something for my mother, who lives in france and as a result i won't be giving it to her until sometime in january at the earliest, whever we see other next.

useless spam

so, i got some useless blog spam to my hotmail account (the one linked from my profile). it's a script that has gone wrong. it says:

Hiya ##NAME##, just thought I'd say great post titled ##TITLE##. I'm looking for ##LINK## and I ended up here accidentally but I will make sure I return soon. Looking for in addition will keep me busy for a few hours.

my only guess is that there is supposed to be something in the 'looking for' thing that i would have clicked on. obviously the other bits are supposed to be fields automatically generated from my blog. i mean, geeze, if you're going to take the time to spam, at least take the time to make it work.

i love this!

okay, i know this has been around the interweb for a million years, but i love it and i feel a need to direct people to it.

the eyebrow action is my favourite part.

this is the video of some guy who i want to meet lipsynching and sort of dancing to some obsucre dance song (no longer obscure i don't think)...

you can see it at:
http://www.guzer.com/videos/numa_numa.php

fun discovery

so, last night i went out to see a friend's band (careless) at the free times cafe on queen street and they were double booked with another band. which, annoying as it may have been for them, worked out great for us. because it meant that we got to discover some fun new music.

well, actually two fun new musics, since we hadn't seen/heard careless before, and they were really great, i will be going again and i reccomend you go too. but we were expecting to hear and see them.

the unexpected fun new music? it's jon brooks. he's got kind of a folky tom waits sound to him. it was great. i loved him. bought the cd and everything.

i remember someone saying to me sometime within the last year that they had decided to only buy cd's of people they had seen live. although i'm not going to go so far as that (i loves me some ella fitzgerald, and the chances of me ever seeing her live are certainly in the nil category), i have decided that i'd like to discover some new bands, go to a lot more live music, and go with the intention of, if i like the music, buying the cd.

i didn't buy the careless cd 'cause i'd run out of money, but also because i figure i could just say to hari sometime, "hey, hari, i wanna buy a cd" and i'd be able to get on, which is less likely with someone that i'm not friends with...

so, this has been added to my goals for life in toronto - go see more live music. even if it's during our 'frugal' time, 'cause you can go see lots of stuff for $5 covers.

oh oh oh, hey! this can be a new year's resolution! i never make new year's resolutions, but this seems like a damn good one. more live music. excellent!

and another new year's resolution? go play scrabble in a cafe with snooze.

look, i have two!

need some christmas help

so. you know how people usually ask what they should get their friends, family and spouse for christmas?

yeah, that's not an issue for me. i'm pretty confident that i am a good gift giver, it's just something i'm good at, go figure.

anyway, what i do need help with though is what the hell to put on my list.

john and i aren't exchanging presents this year, we're just doing stockings, so it's not that big a deal with him, he has until the end of january to figure out what to get me for my birthday. but we draw names in his family and the person who drew my name wants to know what's on my wish list. i'm drawing a blank.

all i've come up with so far is a new hand blender 'cause mine is kind of cracked and old and i was thinking the other day i wouldn't mind a new one.

oh, and i guess a rotiserie, although, i've kind of gotten over wanting that since i found the delicious chicken breasts at costco (yeah yeah, i'm evil, they're evil, i know, but they have fun stuff!) which are pre-cooked and sliced for $16/kg, which is how much raw boneless skinless chicken breasts are at the grocery store, so i just keep that around for my chicken through the week instead of roasting a chicken on sunday and pulling it off the bones. wait. what the hell was i talking about? oh yeah, christmas presents. wish lists.

so, now's your chance, suggest things for me to ask for for christmas.

a couple other things i though of (although they're on the pricey side) are:
- an AGO membership
- a subscription to factory theatre, buddies in bad times or tarragon theatre (i'm volunteering at theatre passe muraille, so i don't really need a pass)
- movie gift certificates (*eyeroll* boooorrrrrring)

any other thoughts on what i should ask for? things that are good to know about me - i'm a foodie, i like to cook, i like theatre, well, actually 'the arts' in general, i like entertaining, i drink red wine, i can do the hokey pokey, i'm short, i like to sing, i like to sleep, i like to read, i like to laugh. there, hopefully that will help...

my favourite book is now a movie...

so, my favourite book - Memoirs of a Geisha by Arthur Golden - has been made into a movie.

i'm afraid i will hate it, but will no doubt go anyway. i have a not-so-secret crush on michelle yeoh.

cbc online has an article about it which does not bode well: Eastern Exotica - Memoirs of a Geisha is the latest example of Hollywood’s misrepresentation of Japan

here's a quote:

Arriving at the midpoint of the film’s 144 minutes, Sayuri’s society debut is meant to be a showstopper. It is — though perhaps not in the way director Rob Marshall intended. Performed amid dramatic blue light, fake snow and exquisite swaths of kimono, Sayuri’s dance seems better suited to a Paris couture show than a 1930s Kyoto theatre. It is a phantasmagoria of Japan-ness, stylized to the point of kitsch.

Since the scene in Golden’s novel is considerably more low-key, Marshall and production designer John Myrhe are the ones responsible for its visual opulence; indeed, the sequence wouldn’t have been out of place in Marshall’s Oscar-winning version of the musical Chicago. The extravagance of the scene is another example of Hollywood’s decades-long tendency to present Japan in the most outlandish terms possible.

*sigh*

what a difference distance makes

today marks the anniversary of the l’école polytechnique shooting in montreal. 16 years ago today 14 women were killed by some crazy guy who felt like they shouldn't be there because they're women.

it's always a day i used to look back at what has been achieved for women, and also a day i take a long hard look at where we stand, and what is left to do.

but here's my observation for today. where the hell are the remembrances today? technically this is the national day of remembrance and action on violence against women. but if you go to the cbc homepage you won't see anything about the shootings or the remembrance.

it fades further and further into the distance. seeps out of our conciousness. i always find it interesting how that happens.

at least when i look out my window the flags are at half-mast...


**update**
okay, either i'm blind, or cbc updated their website. they do have an article on it...

embracing the inner artist...

i call it "look! they're boobs"

do you want background? probably not. lets just say it invovled me getting ready to go out for a heady night of scrabble, john having the camera in hand, and lots and lots of giggling on my part.

i dunno

i'm feeling a bit off.

not bad per se.

but off.

and, oddly, everything is making me want to cry, but i'm not sad. i mean to say, it's not that everything is making me sad, but rather that everything is causing a physiological response of liquid springing from my tear ducts. no emotion attached. kind of like sneezing.

i'm sneezing tears from my tear ducts.

i do wonder what this is about...


***update***

i worry that perhaps i have given the wrong impression with my sad attempt at being witty. it's not that my eyes are watering. it really is crying, with all the physical stuff along with that, blood rushing to face, throat closing etc. it's just that while i'm crying i'm not feeling particularily sad or happy (just in case someone suggests they're tears of joy).

headlines your happy to read

i don't know why but i really loved this headline: "When Harry Met Puberty" it is, of course, an article about the latest of the harry potter movies. i didn't read the article. i've already seen the movies, i enjoyed it, i don't really need to read a review. but i do feel the need to point out just how much i loved the title of the article, and this seemed like the perfect forum for such and activity.

i don't know if it's because i just bought a copy of the when harry met sally dvd in a bargain bin from pharma plus, or if i would have still loved it without when harry met sally already on my mind. it doesn't matter. the point is, well, yay for punny headlines.