blah de fucking blah blah

i don't know.

what don't i know? well, right now it feels like i don't know a bloody thing. i'm sure that's wrong, for instance, i'm typing, which means, i must know how to type, but other than that i don't know a bloody thing.

yesterday i went to get an ultrasound, then i spent the day (and this morning so far) brutally fucking depressed. i'm not sure how these two things relate, but i have no doubt that they do.

really, this is one of those posts that is more for me than anyone else, although you are obviously all more than welcome to read it, it will be long and drawn out and likely boring.

and, with that preamble out of the way, let me start from the beginnging. my doctor said she thinks i might have polycystic ovarian disorder (or something like that), so, i have to do blood work, and get an ultrasound. yesterday was the ultrasound. it was a transvaginal ultrasound. it was not fun. first they do a standard pelvic ultrasound, but your bladder has to be full to bursting, so when they push the thing that shows them pictures (presumably it is something that emits sonic waves...) directly onto my bladder with some force i fought back the tears, 'cause, well, i'm pretty sure my full bladder is not meant to be pushed on like that.

then they let me pee (thank the gods).

then i got back, they asked me if i was allergic to latex, put a condom on the big long probe, and went to probing.

which took a long time. and it hurt. a lot.

now, i'm the type that hurts a lot when i get a pap for various reasons of tightness and tipped uterus and so on. this is a different kind of hurt. the probe, for all it's length, compared to a speculum is pretty thin, maybe an inch in diameter. so the width is not an issue. however, the fact that they have to put a great deal of pressure on your cervix, and indeed on your ovaries themselves, well, that is an issue.

i remember the first time i got an internal-external from my doctor. the one where they squeeze your ovaries. she said 'this is going to be a bit uncomfortable' then squeezed away, with me making a very loud noise of protest and nearly jumping off the table, at which point she said 'actually, it kind of feels more like a guy being kicked in the nuts, but i figured you didn't want to hear that'.

yeah, well, that's what this was like, only, prolonged.

so i spent my morning in excruciating pain. the bits that i missed out in there? well, first, they'd put me in the computer wrong, so my appointment wasn't actually booked. also, no one told me i needed to have a full bladder, so i had to go, the technician asked if i had a full bladder, i said it didn't seem too full or empty, she said we'd try. she told me to lay down, she told me to pull down my pants, spread whatever it was they use or ultrasound that feels and looks an awful lot like ky all over my pubic bone, started the ultrasound and then clucked with annoyance that we were no where near, tossed the paper sheet thing at me and told me to clean myself up, drink some water and wait outside. the benefit of this is that when my bladder was full i had a different technician (it was an ultrasound farm, there were probably 8 ultrasounds going on at once) for the transvaginal, thank the gods. oh, and when they were done the transvaginal the condom came off inside me and no one noticed, so it wasn't until i was left alone to once again clean the lube off my pubic bone, pubes and crotch that the condom made itself known and i removed it.

the results of the test? well, i don't know, they aren't allowed to discuss them with me, that will have to wait for my doctor, which won't be until january. but it sure as hell sounds from their conversations (the doctor and technician) that i at least have polycystic ovaries, if not polycystic ovarian syndrome.

i spend the rest of the day very very depressed and in a lot of pain.

i spent it mostly sleeping.

today? today i still feel depressed. and i don't mean blue. i mean full fledged honest to goodness depressed. like, pre-meds depressed.

i don't know what it was about the test that triggered it, but it sure as hell feels like that's what happened, the timing is too exact.

there is a duality to me right now. there is me, interacting with the world, and me, watching myself interact with the world. i watch people try to be nice to me, try to talk to me, try to interact like normal, and i watch my reactions, i watch myself shut them out, shut them down, i try to talk like a normal person but i can't. i want to have a conversation, but much much more than that i want them to go away so that i don't have to pretend i'm okay.

bleh.

i can only assume that this will pass shortly, and god i hope so, because this is hell. not that i needed reminding, i remembered just fine, but this is a solid reminder of just how horrible being depressed is.