something bad for me to have discovered...

ad forum has a free one week membership on right now to watch all the ads from the cannes festival. it's possible i may not be able to leave my computer for quite some time now...

rain, rain, rain keeps coming down, down, down

it's raining.

a lot.

there is a small (read: large) pond that has developed outside on the path, there is actually someone wading through it leisurely while small animals are flailing about to avoid drowning.

i am anticipating lots of flooding in my laundry room, and from the roof.

i am very very very happy for my front garden which does not get watered (no tap, so it's only watering can, but that only does so much good) but is constantly baking in the sun.

i am somewhat less happy for me, because i am feeling cruddy and was going to go home, but i don't really feel like being sick AND standing in a rainstorm without an umbrella. the question on everyone's (read: my) mind is, what will win out, the desire to lay down so i don't feel like i'm going to die, or the desire to stay dry...

so, um, yeah

lot of shooting happening in my neighbourhood lately. you know. within a block of my house.

dum dee dum dee doo...

check that one off the list...

guess what!?!

no no, really, guess...

okay, fine, i won't make you guess. i'll tell you.

i cleaned out my closet yesterday!

yippee! full garbage bag of stuff to take to goodwill.

look at me, doing something productive. too exciting.

tipping point

since i've moved to toronto i have started taking the occassional taxi.

but here is my cunundrum. i never know how much to tip.

how much do you tip a cab driver?

and while we're on the subject, how much do you tip the person who gives you a pedicure at one of those pedicure manicure cheapy places?

wishing the day away

so, since i found out my mum is coming in august, well, august can't get here fast enough.

i noticed this weekend that i was willing time to pass as quickly as possible.

i wish it were august 15 today.

then i realised, this is a horrible way to live my life. i can't live my life hoping that it passes me by, living for a moment a couple months away. that's a hell of a lot of time to wish away...

there is an additional challenge right now, john is working on the freelance project from hell, one of those projects that you estimate will take 4 weeks, and in the end it takes more like 24 weeks. i haven't been able to hang out with my partner in what feels like decades. and, as we have previously established i don't so much like doing things alone. so i'm not doing anything. not to dis my friends, i enjoy them, and i do sometimes spend time with them, but, well, it's hard to explain, but it's not that i want to do something specific and am looking for non-specific company, it's that i want to do something non-specific and am looking for specific company (i.e. john).

these two things have conspired together to create someone who does SFA with their weekend. seriously, i did my volunteer shift at pride on saturday and then came home, and sunday i went grocery shopping. the rest of the time i basically read, watched movies and napped, which i suppose sounds appealing in it's own right, but it depends on the motivation i think. i was most definitely killing time.

so then that begs the question, why can't i kill time by sorting through the closet and doing a big clothing cull. or going through the office and de-cluttering. or cleaning up the laundry room. or or or... basically, why can't the time killing be productive?

plus, not wanted on the voyage is possibly not the most uplifting book i could be reading right now.

wow. this post is full of bitching and whining, moaning and chewing, and, um, other negative stuff... it wasn't my intent, sorry about that.

i think i'm going to make a list (i'm a list kind of person) of the stuff i want to do this summer, including the organization crap, and try and make a commitment to do at least one of those things per weekend. at least then i'll feel productive...

variations on a theme

in keeping with the bathroom theme...

in canada somtimes people get a bit weirded out if you ask where the toilet is, for some reason it is considered more polite to say 'where is the washroom' or 'where is the bathroom'. toilet is not an appreciated word.

in europe (well, france, i can't speak for the rest of europe) one asks specifically for the toilet, because there is a distinct possiblity that the washroom or bathroom will not have a toilet, only things for washing and bathing, which can be panic enducing when you're at the point of bladder burst...

to avoid said moments of panic it's 'ou est la toilette', not 'ou est la salle du bain'.

funny how the word toilet is demonized here for some reason...

is it true?

someone on the weekend told me it was a uniquely canadian thing to announce that you are going to the bathroom. is that true?

do american's not say "i'll be right back, i'm just heading to the john".

do brit's not say "back in a moment, just heading to the loo"

do australians not say, well, i don't know, some australian version of "i'll be right back, just going to the washroom"

since the reason i announce, and everyone i've talked to about it announces, is that if you don't people say things like "hey, where are you going?", does that mean that people of other nationalities are also inherently less nosey? because surely if the question was being asked with some frequency then the answer would become pre-emptive, is it is with me.

and on that note, i'll be right back, i'm just going to slip to the bathroom...

not a hockey chick

so, i know this is going to come as a shock to all of you, but i'm not a hockey fan.

in fact, i barely know what hockey is, something to do with a stick and some ice and a black rubber thing and blades. really, it all just sounds far to kinky and out there for me.

but, what will not shock you is that i'm nosey.

so, even though i'm not a hockey person, i still did want to know who won the game (and therefore the stanely cup) last night. i heard lots of talk about the game. i saw lots of stuff about the cup. metro morning even had some cup handler guy (see, i told you it was kinky) on talking about the cup and having to peel some of the previous years off so that new ones can fit in, blah blah blah. but not a word about WHO won.

i ended up having to go online, and even there it wasn't on the front page (which was my first clue that it wasn't edmonton), i had to click into some 'stanely cup indepth' thing.

i feel like they should have a section on the cbc website that is a quick link that is called 'the news mainja is interested in'. it would save me so much time!

check it out!

check out this blog.

i particularily like the use of the word wormturd.

a highly anticipated arrival...

my mum's coming to visit in august and september. she'll be here for a couple weeks (canada for around 3 weeks, but she's going to visit family in BC for almost a week).

i am exceptionally excited.

i miss my mum terribly and i always have wild amounts of fun when she's around.

i am envisioning a lot of sitting in the back yard drinking too much wine and smoking too many cigarettes and laughing so loudly we keep the neighbourhood up.

i'm also looking forward to doing a bit of toronto exploring with my mum. she knows the city much better than i do, and so i have no doubt that she can show me some fun places to visit and explore.

a report

***begin transmission***

dickey's wedding rocked.

***end transmission***

oh my god, it's so long!

as you know, i work in government. working in government means that i am no stranger to acronyms. in fact, i think if it weren't for acronyms government wouldn't know what to do with itself. i am also used to acronyms in day to day life.

but today i came across the acronym LGBTTIQ2S. whatever happened to LGBT, and sometimes S?

so, i figure it's Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgenered, T_____, I______, Q______(Queer?), 2_____, S______(Straight?).

anyone want to enlighten me?

i encountered it in a pride newsletter (i'm volunteering at pride this year and apparently that means i get newsletters several times a week) in a paragraph that is kind of cool, an effort to bring remind people that pride is a big party here, but an impossiblity elsewhere.

the paragraph is:

This year we want to not only have a parade but we want to march. This year, Pride Toronto has an International Grand Marshall, Bill Schriller, who actively advocates for our communities throughout the world facing state sanctioned violence, Neo-Nazis and fascism. Together with our Canadian Grand Marshals and Honoured Groups, Bill will be marching for those who can't at the head of the parade, by carrying the flags of six countries worldwide where our sister communities have experienced horrific state-sanctioned violence this year - including Jamaica, Iran, Pakistan, Russia, Poland, and Zimbabwe. LGBTTIQ2S peoples in these and numerous other countries don'thave the freedom to claim their voice and march in a parade of their own. Let's use our loud voice to liberate theirs.

anyway, help on the acronym would be appreciated...


***UPDATE***

LGBTTIQ2S = Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgenered, Transexual, Intersexed, Queer/Questioning, 2-Spirited.

So, clarification on the second T, and confirmation on the S are needed.

And here's my shot in the dark answer to the question from ink in the comments: "Gay / Lesbian and Queer? Also, what are "intersexed" and "two-spirited?"

Gay generally referes to a man who is attracted to men. Lesbian genearlly referes to a woman who is attracted to women. Both are homosexuals, but these lables add the element of gender (and sex, although I wonder it's often more gender-based than sex-based, if you were not a bio boy, but still identified as male, and you were attracted to men, one assumes you'd be called gay)

Some people find the lables Gay, Lesbian and Bisexual too static, and so prefer to be called Queer, since it can encompass more as a result of being less specific.

A dear librarian friend of mine (thanks noone!) helped me out with the difference between transgendered and transexual. "Transgendered is a term that refers to someone who has variations on the theme thatdiffer from the biological sex that they were born as. It usually refers to someoenwho is in the in-between stages of having sex reassignment surgery or treatments. A transexual is someone who has had reassignment surgery." Since I'm well versed in the differences between gender and sex (gender as a social construct, sex as a biological state - a degree in theatre, and probably any liberal arts program, is a wonderful thing) one would have thought I'd have been able to figure that out on my own, but apparently not...

I don't have the fainted clue what "intersexed" would be, perhaps someone who has both male and female biolgical traits? - yep, apparently that was the right guess, at least according to this website which says "Intersexuals are people born physically between the male and female genders with anatomy that is either ambiguous or comprised of varying degrees of both male and female anatomy."

2-sprited (courtesy of snooze and emily): 2-spirited is the aboriginal term for gays/lesbians. These individuals were respected in traditional societies; but that tradition was lost and is being reclaimed.

ode to a friend

a particular friend has been on my mind a lot of late.

he is an amazing person.

we first met in university. i don't remember the exact details of our first meeting, but i do remember thinking that he was someone i wanted to get to know.

our second meeting didn't go quite so favourably because we were in a class together and ended up fighting over who got to present on being at home with claude.

but things changed. i'm not even sure when it happened specifically, but i certainly realised that my first impression was the right one. he was someone i wanted to get to know. and so i did.

and boy am i ever glad i did. it has been probably 8 or 9 years that we have been friends now and i cannot imagine my life without him.

he is strong, smart, funny and a virtual encyclopedia of popular culture knowledge. he is someone i learn from, someone i trust, someone i respect.

he has spent the last year doing incredibly strong, incredibly brave things. he has spent accomplished so much with his life. he is someone i am so very proud of, and so very proud to call my friend.

as is the case with humans, sometimes he is in pain, sometimes he has problems. when he's in pain i wish i could take that pain away, when he has problems i wish i could fix them. i wish there was a way to just fast forward through all the difficult things on to what i have no doubt will be wonderful rewards. but i can't. even though i can't do those things though i find comfort in knowing how strong and smart and wonderful he is and knowing that he doesn't need me to help him because he'll do it on himself and he'll do it successfully in a way that will be very satisfying for him in the end.

i don't have a particular point to this entry, he's just someone i love very much and who continually impresses me and he's been on my mind a great deal so i felt like writing about him.

as the golden girls would say "thank you for being a friend"

routine disruptions

it's amazing what a disruption in routine will do to you.

i've been in interview hell.

i've also been in work hell because our unit is rapidly shrinking (my deluge of spam tells me there are things that will help the problem of a shrinking unit, but i don't think it will cut it in this situation) and people are starting vacations, so i'm getting a tad overloaded when it comes to workload.

and then there's the fact that it's summer, and for some reason in my world summer equals exponential increase of social commitments. which is fun. don't get me wrong. but doesn't leave a lot of time for day to day things.

we haven't had time to grocery shop (today for dinner i had a couple left over bbqed drumsticks and a pear, not the most balanced of meals...), we haven't had time to do laundry (although i'm rapidly approaching the last pair of clean underwear threshold, so that will change tonight...), we haven't had time to do dishes (luckily with meals like left over bbq drum sticks and a pear, dishes aren't as big a concern as you might imagine...), i haven't been to the gym in over a week and a half, basically i've been going full throttle for a couple weeks now.

and it's taking it's toll. i'm missing having a 'normal life'. i know there is no such thing as a 'normal' life, but i guess i'm just talking about what is normal to me. you know, the little things like not wearing the dregs of my clothes just because they are clean (although the last three days in a row i've had to wear a suit, tomorrow i will be wear jean just to balance things out), not being able to have, oh, i don't know, say, a salad with my left over drumsticks, not being able to have that beloved meditative time at the gym, not being able to breath, you know, the little things in life. i miss feeling cool calm and collected. i'm not good at feeling like everything is urgent.

so, tonight i think i'm going to make a list. a schedule. something to get me back on track in the whole living a 'normal life' thing.

saturday morning i'm going to try and go to the market and load up on fresh yummy goodness, hell, i might even go to the organic market at high park (has anyone been, is it nice?). i'm do my laundry tonight. i'm going to accomplish things that i've been letting slip.

i have also decided that if i am going to be able to get in my gym time during the socially demanding (and very fun) summer, i'm going to have to go in the morning, the winter after work routine is just not going to cut it anymore. and this is going to be the most challenging part of getting my routine back, because, here is my confession, i am not a morning person. the idea of getting up a couple hours early so that i can go to the gym (or anywhere, unless it's to catch a plane to somewhere fun) is just not coded into my dna. the only weapon i have in this endevor is that i used to do it. when i was in guelph for some reason i was able to go to the gym in the morning instead of after work. and the truth? the truth is, once you get past the two hours earlier thing, it's way nicer. it's far less crowded, you never have to compromise and take a machine you don't want while you wait for the cross trainer to be free, you can just jump on the machine of your choice and go for it. plus, even if you have a useless day at work, you've already done something nice at the begining of the day, so the useless work day (or people) seem that much more tolerable. the trick is begining. after the first couple weeks it's a breeze. it's just habit. but how to start.

so my fine blog friends, any suggestions on how to start a routine of getting to the gym by 7am?

the other stuff i think i can handle, i suspect that it will involve a lot of lists and milestones. i'm a project manager to the end. but apparently even project management can't make me drag my ass out of bed by 6am...

favourite interview moment of the last two days...

my favourite interview moment of the last couple days was when the manager for one of the positions walked into the boardroom where i was waiting, stuck out her hand and introduced herself in that oh-so-formal interview kind of way.

i looked at her and said: "actually, i think we've met, perhaps we've worked on a project in common?"

and she looked at me rather sheepishly and said: "actually, it was while getting pedicures at the same time at the place across the street" then she paused briefly and added "we don't have to tell the rest of the panel that bit of information..."

something... anything... just say something dammit!!!

okay, i am desperate to start a new thread because i have to say, the talk of fake boobs as safety divices is starting to get a bit creepy.

so, um, how 'bout them jays? (is it baseball time right now?)

i am unfortunately not my usual scintillating self (HA!) because i've been undergoing a labotomy several interviews, two yesterday, one today. i am ready to pass out.

so, on top of the insanely busy life (how the hell did that happen!?!) i am now in interview hell, all this is just fine, except it means i don't have time for the important things, like blogging...

apparently...

at a friend's stag on saturday we ended up at the brass rail. the brass rail is a strip joint in downtown toronto.

here is what i learned... first, boy, do the women on stage ever look bored. second, drinks were in the $10 per drink range. i'm guessing people generally don't go there to get trashed.

on a completely unrelated note, why the hell do they put so little pepper and so much salt in the little salt and pepper packets you get at cafeterias? i want far more pepper than salt, i can't imagine anyone wanted that much salt for anything...

i'm thinking about...

becoming a part of this project if there is still space (i doubt there is, but just in case...)

which would mean getting a tatoo. which might be a challenge because i'm a pain wimp. but i'm facinated by the project.

i like the idea of carrying an element of a larger piece of art on my body.

guess what?!?

my mum has been posting on a quasi-regular basis for a couple weeks now. you should go read her blog. she writes good. ;)

http://www.audefrance.com/

a night of firsts

i had two firsts last night.

the first first (?) was that i went to a bar on my own. i know that for most normal people this is not a big deal, but i don't do anything alone. i don't go to movies alone, i don't go out for meals alone, i don't sit in a cafe alone (unless i'm waiting for someone, but that doesn't count), i don't do things alone. but last night i had some work to do and decided that doing it on the patio at a pub would be much nicer than sitting in my office.

so i went to the house on parliament and did work. when the work was done i called a few people who live in the area to see if they wanted to meet me, but they were either busy or not home. i decided to stay. i sat and evesdropped on people, i people watched, i wrote down random thoughts, i enjoyed my own company. the best overheard thing of the night was when ssomeone said "you know what i find ironic..." and i thought they'd said "you know what i find erotic..." but whatever they went on to describe was not erotic at all... then, as the evening wore on, i joined another table with three men who had spent the night talking loudly about music and the music business. one of them was named jason and he was dreamy. i'm not sure what i mean by dreamy, i mean, he was a handsome fellow with amazing eyes, but i don't think that's what it was, i think the dreamyness came from talking to him, smart, articulate, a bit new-agey, and somehow also a bit rough around the edges. and has been with his gf for three years now, so there was no akward 'are we hitting on each other' shite, it was just us yammering into the night. it was nice. the other two were fun too, but in a very different way, and mostly i spent my time talking to jason.

the second first is that i walked home, alone, in the dark, in my neighbourhood. (i live in a kind of sketchy neighbourhood, well, sketchy bits and rich bits...). i was totally fine, i walked down a street of rich houses and avoided the corners that i know have lots of drug induced fights and i avoided the homeless shelter, just walked down my street (also i should qualify here and say the walk is only about 4 blocks, a bit more than carlton to dundas for those torotno folks.)

when i got to dundas there was some young fellow waiting at the light (and by young i have no idea what i'm saying because i didn't really look at him, but my glance made me estimate late 20's), so i stood next to him and waited. then i started walking. then he started making noises along the lines of 'booga booga', at which i giggled, because apparently i don't have that 'be afraid of strange tall man walking behind you at night'. so he said his 'booga booga' again, i giggled again. then he laughed too. then he started asking me things so i just stopped and let him catch up, i figured it was going to be easier to just walk with him.

he asked me where i was coming from.
i told him, the house on parliament.
he asked me if i was there with friends.
i said yes.
he said he was coming from work.
he asked me where i was going.
i said home.
he asked me if he could come home with me.
i said no.
he asked me why.
i said because i was tired and had to sleep.
he asked me if i lived alone.
i said no, i live with my boyfriend.
he said (in a very dissappointed voice, as if this random talking at 10pm was bonding us and leading toward some great relationship *eyeroll*) oh, you have a boyfriend.
i said yes.
he said that was nice.
he said he wanted a girlfriend.
i said he should try a boyfriend, that boyfriends were the way to go, they were great.
he laughed and said he'd stick to girlfriends.
then we got to my house and went our seperate ways.

and there you have my night of firsts...

what do you suppose it is?

i sometimes wonder if other people do this...

i will tell john i love him when he can't hear me.

i'll do it when he's asleep, or i'll mouth the words when he is spooning with me and can't see, or i'll say it if there is a loud noise to cover my words.

it's like i'm someone trying to get the nerve to tell someone that i love them but can't, so instead i'm saying it over and over again in a way that they won't be able to hear.

except of course that this someone is my partner of 12 years, someone who knows that i love him dearly, and someone with whom i share copious 'i love you' moments. in fact, i'd wager several times a day we tell each other we love each other (yes yes, we're sappy, i know, but honestly, in public people barely know we're a couple, don't worry, we're safe to hang out with).

so, why the secretive 'i love you' moments? why do i sometimes want to tell him i love him when he can't hear me?

john added more raccoon pictures

john added a couple more pictures of rocky on the raccoon post, scroll down and take a look...

another tumoury thingy update

so, i had a specialist's appointment yesterday.

first, since it hasn't grown at all it is benign, she said that malignant tumours grow. so, yay for no cancer!

second, she wants to hold off on the surgery. there is a big long back story here, but the basic gist here is that the surgery is easier and safer if i am less fat (i don't have to be thin) and since i'm already slowly losing weight she said she'd be more comfortable waiting.

apparently if they are stable (i.e. not growing) and the pain is bareable (i.e. treatable with advil) and it's less than 5cm (i'm at 4.5cm) in diameter then they actually give you the option of no surgery at all. i said that i would like it gone, she said she understood, and reccommended it, but that it's not going to do any harm to wait as long as we keep checking up on it, (which means i have to do the hellish ultrasound once every three weeks) and then when i've lost some undetermined amount of weight (there is, as expected, no magic number, basically they poke at me and say, um, yeah, sure, lets try now) we go forward with surgery.

so, for now it's status quo.