what do you suppose it is?

i sometimes wonder if other people do this...

i will tell john i love him when he can't hear me.

i'll do it when he's asleep, or i'll mouth the words when he is spooning with me and can't see, or i'll say it if there is a loud noise to cover my words.

it's like i'm someone trying to get the nerve to tell someone that i love them but can't, so instead i'm saying it over and over again in a way that they won't be able to hear.

except of course that this someone is my partner of 12 years, someone who knows that i love him dearly, and someone with whom i share copious 'i love you' moments. in fact, i'd wager several times a day we tell each other we love each other (yes yes, we're sappy, i know, but honestly, in public people barely know we're a couple, don't worry, we're safe to hang out with).

so, why the secretive 'i love you' moments? why do i sometimes want to tell him i love him when he can't hear me?