Monday, July 17, 2006

so far so good (another boring navel gazing post)

in the quest of enjoying the moment i'm moving forward in a way that i'm quite pleased with.

pleased because i see progress.

frustrated slightly because i seem to find other issues as i move forward. it's kind of like if you own an old house and you think you're going to fix that one thing. it always turns out to be several things.

well, this is several things.

in my quest to enjoy the moment i have discovered that i often have trouble figuring out what i want. i know that i want something, want to do something specific, but i don't for the life of me know what that something is. i sometimes get that with food to. i want a specific thing, i am having an intense craving, but i have no idea what it is for. the not knowing what i want to do is a challenge, first for the obvious reason that it's frustrating, but also because it's hard to enjoy what is going on if you know that what you *want* to be going on is something different.

the other thing that interferes is a feeling of responsiblity. if i am in the house i feel guilty if i'm reading, watching television, mucking around on the computer. i feel guilty because i know that there are closets to be sorted through, dishes to be done, laundry to be done, plants to be watered, and on and on and on... i have no doubt that this is a pretty common reaction. i also know it's silly. but this isn't about logic. if it was about logic i'd be just fine. i can deal with logic.

anyway, those are two things that have made themselves known as i peel back the layers.

in good news...

one of the things that i have started doing to help myself enjoy the moments of my life is to not only remind myself to do so and try and eschew thoughts of other future things (unless that is specifically part of my current activity), but also to do a mini self-check.

i stop and take stock of what is around me. note how things look and feel.

identify textures.

sunday i sat at breakfast and took note of the breeze blowing over my body, the crispness of the lettuce, the strength of the coffee, the face of the man i love, the hum of chatter all around me... i stopped to take it all in and reveled in it. it was great. there's hope for me yet...

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