step one

in my quest to learn to live in the 'now' i am working on being more aware of my feelings about specific activities at specific times.

one of the things about this living by waiting is that i am often restless and don't know what i want to do. i'm not entirely sure how they're connected, but i'm fairly certain that they are. i often will feel restless, like i want to do something, but i don't know what. i think it is somehow linked into the fact that i'm always waiting for something, so i'm never in touch with what i want in the moment as it is happening.

so, this is where my step one comes in. step one - pay attention to what i'm doing and how it feels.

yesterday i finished work and realised i did not want to go home. john had sent me an email saying he was going to buy a hard drive after work. so, i walked out of my office and called john to see if he wanted company. he did.

we met at college, then went and bought computer guck, and then decided to have dinner. after dinner we headed home and i read the toronto life that had arrived in our mailbox that day. then we sat together and had a drink and a cigarette, then i spent the rest of the evening finishing my book and then going to sleep.

the whole time i managed to just enjoy it for what it was.

i didn't make plans for the weekend.

i didn't talk about the things i wanted to get done around the house.

i didn't think about the laundry that needs to be done.

i didn't think about work.

i just focused on enjoying what i was doing.

the frustrating thing is it sounds so bloody simple, enjoy something as it is happening. but the truth is, i had to work hard at keeping those other things, the things that i plan for and wait for, out of the equation. i had to work at enjoying myself. it just seems so wrong that i should have to work at it, it seems like such a basic thing.

and before you ask, no, i haven't given up on planning. i haven't given up on lists (i couldn't imagine my life without lists). i'm just trying to find a way to compartmentalize the planning to specific times. the truth is, one of the things i enjoy in life is planning. i love going out for breakfast and making a list of what we're going to do/get that weekend. i love figuring out how i'm going to make something work. it's just that it's gone too far now, it's not fun anymore, now it's overtaken my life.

so, i'm planning to plan (heh) during specific times, as opposed to a more constant thought pattern.