Monday, July 10, 2006

i need to learn about now

i came to a realisation on the weekend. one that i have been starting towards for a bit now, but hasn't come clear until now.

i don't live in the moment.

i spend my life waiting. waiting for something. lord only knows what.

i don't know if this is a new thing, or if this is something i've always done and i have just noticed it now.

truth be told, as i wrote that last sentence i realised, that at least to some degree, it has always been true. i spent my teen years wanting to be an adult. i spent my twenties wanting to be thirty. now i'm thirty. thirty is good. i don't have a need to be older. but really, it doesn't feel *that* different, is this what i was waiting for?

there have been times in my life where i have lived for the future, because it made the present bareable, knowing it wasn't going to be like that forever.

but now, now the present is pretty bloody nice. but i am still living for the future. it's almost like it's a habit i can't break. but i want to break it. i want to enjoy the moment.

the moment of clarity came yesterday while laying on the couch. i suddenly realised that instead of enjoying watching john fix his bass, listening to music i enjoy, and being very comfortable on the couch, all things that should have let to a sense of peacefullness and well being, i found myself worrying about monday.

i often don't like sundays, because of of mondays. but that makes no sense. it's rediculous to not enjoy a day off because the next day will not be a day off. it's a total waste of a day.

so, in an oh-so-happy way, it feels a bit like yesterday i came to the realisation that i'm wasting my life.

um... yeah. well, that was a rather depressing post, sorry. :(

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