Tuesday, January 15, 2008

not sure what to write...

when I first started journaling 800 million years ago, one of the things that someone (therapist? helpful friend? book?) told me was if you can't think of what to write, just write "I don't know what to write" over and over again. The idea was that you would journal for a set minimum amount of time per day, so if need be you could write "I don't know what to write" for fifteen minutes.

It works. The most I've ever written it was five times.

Anyway, don't worry, I'm not going to do that to you here in blog land. Even though, really, I don't know what to write.

There's not a lot to update you on in the depression front. Although, I have made the decision (thanks to some prodding by several people, including my therapist) that I will take the full six weeks to heal and not risk putting myself forward earlier.

Every time I think maybe the meds are kicking in something happens that makes me think 'oh, maybe not'. It's weird. Most of the time I feel enveloped by depression, but sometimes it seems to retreat, to come in waves instead of acting like a shroud. Who know. It's a weird fucking disease.

I'm hoping that I have some time to actually recuperate before I go back to work. What I'm doing right now sure as hell doesn't feel like a rest, it feel more like a "doing what I must to stay alive".

I have been journaling (you know, pen to paper) in a place up the street called Jet Fuel. It's a great place, it's kind of one of those 'so hip it hurts' kind of places, but good god, they have the best latte I have ever had, and it's served in a pint glass. And it's only $3. So, yeah, I can force myself past the fact that I stick out like a sore thumb in a place that is so hip it hurts so that I can indulge in that divine latte. Not the point of this paragraph... No, the point of this paragraph is that I've been journaling on real paper, which is probably why my posts here slowed down a tiny bit.

Which, really, is just as well, because there's only so much ramblings of depressed lady a reader can take. So, now it will be *slightly* more selective ramblings of a depressed lady. ;)

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