discombobulated

i don't know what's up. i'm craving interaction. i'm checking my email every five minutes in case someone has sent something.

but in truth i don't know what i'm craving.

my friends, for certain. but something else too. something a little less tangible.

newness perhaps?

not really, i mean, not exactly. newness takes energy, and i'm not feeling very energetic.

maybe it's the energy i crave.

that and difference. not necessarily new, but different. the rub of course is that different is often new...

i want to go out, i want to do something, i want to sit and talk and drink. or maybe dance, i haven't gone dancing in forever, and i hear big rude jake plays at the resevoir on friday nights (under a different name) which would be right up my alley.

but i don't want to go with just john. i don't know how to describe it, and it sounds bad, it's not, but there is something about going out with the person you've been living with for the last 11 years that feels almost like going out alone. damn. that really does sound terrible, and it's not what i mean. it's not like going alone, not at all. but the feeling is still one of 'i wanna hang out with someone' even though you already are hanging out with someone. i love john dearly, and i love spending time with him, and i love being around him, and i love going out with him. but, i guess the thing is, after 11 years you sort of run out of things to talk about. if it didn't happen that day then you've likely already heard it. that kind of thing.

these things are strange. because there are things i do where there is no one else in the world i would want to do them with except john. things like saturday errands. things like walking through canadian tire and busing up laughing about random irrelevant things. john is my favourite person in the world to do that with. same with laying next to each other in bed reading. or playing computer games with. or having a hickey fight with (i am the ultimate champion, one word- forehead).

but i want someone else to join us at the pub, or hell, go to the pub without him and with someone else. it has been the fact that we are ready and willing to do this, the fact that we lead seperate lives, that has led to us working so well together, even though we got together when i was 18 and have been together ever since.

but since we've moved to toronto that's been lacking a bit. we've been locked in each other's world a bit more.

and i am torn. torn between going out with people after work and hanging out and doing all that stuff, and getting the house set up (see, it always comes back to that).

i think what we need to do is have a party soon. that would provide excellent motivation for the finishing of the house, plus friends gathered in a house always make it feel more homelike, and i'd get to hang out with people and drink stupid amount.

okay, so, um, what are people doing saturday october 1? If we were to have a housewarming party would you be able to come?