as promised...

okay, here it is, 'that post'...

for some initial context i will point out for those of you who don't already know that my degree is in theatre. i feel at home on stage. i feel at home performing. i can sure as hell act my way out of a brown paper bag. i am happy to improv, with or without an audience. what i'm trying to say is, i have no problem being the centre of attention.

i'd like to think that i'm also not one of those annoying folks who always *need* to be at the centre of attention, although i do often seem to find myself at the centre of attention, so i do worry that i really am one of *those* people and am just living in denial. that was a bit of a sideline though, not particularly relavent to the context for the post, or the post itself, so i digress...

last thursday i went out to a play and followed it up with some live music (blood.claat and jamaica man, i'm pretty sure i talked about it before, so other than 'man, blood.claat was amazing, i'll leave it be). it was a grand night. but one thing really stood out to me.

i love to dance. really really love to dance. i love to feel the music and just move. i often close my eyes so that i don't get distracted by things around me. i love to dance.

but, i love to do it in my own world.

i mean, i enjoy dancing with others, nooneaskedus and i were doing some fun dirty dancing on saturday, and well, you know, he is one of the hottest creatures in the world, so that was fun. but that's not the kind of dancing i mean. i don't mean the kind of dancing that is like a conversation. i don't mean the kind of dancing you did in grade 8. i don't mean the kind of dancing you do when you go out to a club with your friends. i mean the kind of dancing is all for you and no one else.

i guess what i'm saying is i'm talking about the masturbation of dancing.

at this point i imagine you're asking yourself something along the lines of "what the hell does this have to do with her theatre degree?"

ahh, but it does. and here is why...

on thursday night one of the bands was all drumming, it was just a big group of people dumming, it was amazing, and it was MADE for dancing.

and so i danced. i danced my masterabatory dance. i danced in a corner, i wasn't hiding per se, but i was trying not to draw attention either. unfortunately there was not a throng of dancers. over the course of the set a grand total of 4 people had danced, and not all of us at the same time. one of the drummers noticed me.

he spent a lot of time staring at me, which was a bit akward, because, well, here's the truth, i don't want anyone to be watching me dance. i'm find if they happen to see me dance, but that's different than watching me dance, you dig? but you know, i can deal with that, he's on the stage, i'm on the floor, i can just pretend not to see and keep dancing.

but no, no no no, he wasn't content with me pretending not to see him. he came down from the stage, playing his drum, and walked right up to me. which not only made it very hard to pretend he wasn't watching me, but also of course, drew the attention of others in the room, 'cause, well, you know, people were here to watch him and the other people drumming their hearts out.

and now here is where the embarassing power of not wanting to be watched takes over.

i took one look at this man who was goading me with his drum to dance harder and faster, then immediately actually turned my back and broke down into giggles.

yep. i physically turned my back on him. and laughed.

boy. i felt mature. *eyeroll*

later he came and was playing behind me and my friend who was watching the whole thing said "turn around" and i said "nope. i know he's there, i can feel him and i can hear him, but as long as i can't see him i can pretend he's not there"

she laughed at me. a lot. and, really, i totally understood and could not for a second blame her.

he went back to the stage and whenever i glanced at him he was staring at me. i just kept pretending no one was looking.

but here's the weird thing. why is it such a big deal? why can i not deal with people watching me dance? it's not a new phenomenon. even in university in dance clubs if i felt someone watching me i suddenly couldn't dance any more. seriously, it saps all my dance ability. it's like my kryponite. well, it would be anyway, if my dancing was some kind of super power...

i have trained to be on stage. if someone had said 'we need someone up here to do some improv' i would have been there in a flash. but dancing, nope, no way, can't deal.

i mean really people, what the fuck is that? i have essencially been trained to be on display. but i can't dance if someone's watching me??!?!