i'm a wig-wam, i'm a tipi, i'm a wig-wam, i'm a tipi

a friend just wrote "sniff..sad you are leaving guelph"

and i responded with "yeah, i'm sad too. i'm in some really unplesant and odd state right now. a mix of excitement and sadness with a heafty dose of terror."

you see, i have been living in guelph since 1986.

pile on top of that the fact that we are selling a house we love dearly to move to a city we no nothing about, which is WAY bigger than any city either of us have ever lived in, and, well, terror abounds.

i have no doubt that i will love toronto. i also know that this is the right thing to do right now.

it's just that it's all becoming so very very real. the house went up yesterday. the agent open house was this morning. someone's coming to look at the place at 2:30, then another at 6:15. it's all happening. it's all real. we're selling our house. we're moving to a different city. we're moving into an apartment. real real real. all so very real.

the irony is that a year ago i probably would have been more excited about this than i am now, because a year ago we had only a few friends in guelph, all our old friends had moved away (you know who you are...) and we hadn't yet made new ones. but somewhere close to a year ago, maybe a bit longer, i decided it was rediculous to not have any friends in the city we called home. so i started making an effort. when i saw someone i liked i talked to them. if someone seemed interesting i made sure i could hang out with them for a bit. and now we have friends in guelph again. so now it's hard to leave, even though guelph is stupidly close, and we have tons of friends in toronto. nonetheless, the fear is a bit pervasive.

but my good friend brendan reminded me of something today. he said "you can always change your mind."

he's right. i have to remember that. it doesn't mean i'm going to change my mind, but it does mean that this is my choice (obviously it's actually *our* choice, but i'm writing about me, not john...) and i am in control of my own actions and my own life. it's funny, 'you always have a choice' is one of my mantras that repeat to myself, they are words i live by, but sometimes when i'm in the middle of stress hell it's easy to forget. sometimes i just need a gentle nudge to remind me of what exactly it is i tend to live by...