foreshadowing?

wow. i feel like shit today. not physically (although i do have a very painful blister that i must say isn't helping my mood any), just emotionally.

apparently yesterday's big long post was a prelude to my mood today.

i'm wiped. exhausted. finished. i just wanna take a break. i have to say, i totally understand all those people who go away somewhere warm for a couple weeks in febuary or march. in truth, i don't think it needs to be somewhere warm, i think it just needs to be away from the normal routine. that's why we had reading week in february when we were in university.

anyway, today, today i feel depressed. i'm not, i mean, a bad day does not depression make, but if you have a history of depression a bad day where you feel depressed is terrifying because you become convinced that another breakdown is just around the corner and for those of you who haven't ever been depressed, it's horrible hell, i wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.

so, what, other than the grey weather, brings this on you ask?

my guess is it is the very obvious complete upheaval of my life.

the commuting is not as bad as i was worried it would be, but it's still not fun.

although my new job is AMAZING and i really love all the people, it's still a new job. doesn't matter how good the new job is, it's gonna be putting some stress on you.

and john and i had a talk about selling the house and stuff and he made some very convincing arguments around why we should keep it for another year and list next february, the two main ones being a) we'll be able to build more equity in our current place and b) he'll have a job by then (he's done school in april, yep, month and a half and he'll be a man with a degree, yay john!) so we'll have a clearer idea of what we can afford

so, it sounds good in theory. it means we have another summer at our house, which would be really nice, our house is wonderful in the summer, huge yard, great deck, gorgeous garden, the idea of spending another summer there is kind of a nice thought.

i agreed to it based on the promise that we will still get it in 'show-worthy' shape so that if we come across something amazing in toronto we can list our guelph home right away.

but truth be told? right now i just feel like i don't care what we move into, lets just get here and get it over with. lets get some little one bedroom condo for the same mortgage we have right now so we know we can carry it and just live with it for the next couple years and then move after that. there are soooo many reasons that's not a good idea. but man, i hate this feeling of being in limbo.