today's bad bathroom experience

so, today i went for a lovely lunch with my dad. as often happens, after going out for a lovely lunch with my dad at work i have pee really badly (there actually isn't a correlation there, just that i have the world's smallest bladder) so i used the bathroom on the main floor of our office building on my way in. this is the bathroom open to the public. okay, that was just to set the scene, now the meat of the story...

i rush over to the bathroom, trying to cross my legs and walk at the same time, and throw open the stall door about to plunk down and pee. luckily i had enough time to look. the toilet seat was covered (and i mean *covered*) with urine. i know it was urine 'cause it was yellow. i mean, sometimes there is water there that has splashed up during the flushing process, i've seen it happen, but this was, as i said previously, yellow. there was no doubt in my mind, the seat was covered in pee. the impressive part of this is it was all over the seat, not just in one area. thinking back on it (i had to pee too badly to think about it then) i picture some woman squatting over the toilet to pee who has a song in her head and is swinging her hips to the tune. when telling john this story i was demonstrating the movements i was envisioning and i was singing along, he pointed out that she probably wasn't singing out loud just in her head, i conceded that he was probably right...

so, i leapt back (dramatic i know, but, well, when you have to pee that badly you have to move quickly) and scurried over to the only other free stall, someone was in the middle stall of the three. with great relief i sank down on the pee free toilet seat and began the wonderful relief that people very accurately describe as "relieving yourself". and that's when i noticed...

the woman next to me was a grunter. i have to say, i don't understand grunters. i mean, i can understand that sometimes taking a shit is hard work, but really, come on people, you're in a public bathroom with someone sitting 2 feet away, can't you do it without grunting out loud? i know grunting might be satisfying, but isn't that something that you should keep to your home bathroom? then she started... well, i have no idea really. lots of rubbing noises, and yes, it did cross my mind that she was masturbating, but i don't think she was, i suspect it was more like trying to scratch a stain off of her clothing or something, it was that kind of sound.

immediately i heard the tell tale toilet paper dispenser noises and decided i was going to stay put for a while 'cause i for some unbeknownst reason didn't want to meet face to face with the grunter. which seemed like a good idea at the time...

then the grunter went out and proceeded to hork into the sink. yep, you read that right, a grown woman was horking into the sink while i sat with my pants around my ankles waiting for her to leave. and i'm not talking delicate little horks (is there such a thing?) i'm talking 14 yr old boy trying to impress their friends with the most disgusting sound kind of horking. and she proceeded to do it no less than five times. *sigh*

she finally left, i was finally able to pull up my pants and trepidaciously wash my hands in the sink i was pretty sure she hadn't horked in.

so, there's my story about the grunting horker.