procrastinating

okay, so i'm still at work. my first day at my new month long job.

i have to say, it wasn't the best of days. my manager was having a bad day, and when she has a bad day, apparently it's not so good to talk to her at all. which, you can imagine, is difficult if it's your first day on the job.

anyway, i ended up crying. yep. you read that right. i cried at my first day of work. luckily my friend b is the only one who saw. he took me outside for a walk. it was good.

i have to say, i'm a tad bit worried that i'm getting depressed again. but lets be fair here, things are relatively stressful. a first day is generally a bad day no matter what. add onto that the fact that it's only one month, then i still don't know how i'm going to pay my mortgage (yay for being the sole income), and i didn't sleep at all last night, and... oh hell, i don't know. basically what i'm saying is that it is potentially jumping the perverbial gun for me to start getting scared that i'm depressed. but i do know that i'm no fun to be around lately. which you can probably tell from my blog. which is a shame, 'cause usually i'm really fun to be around, i promise! i can see myself being no fun. it's kind of like an out of body experience. i can see me, the way i'm acting, the whiney bint i've become, but i can't seem to stop it. it's kind of like the sober voice from when you're drunk. you know, the one that says "really mainja, you're making an ass of yourself, you really should stop trying to sing at the top of your lungs" but your body doesn't listen you just keep singing... it's like that.

anyway, right now i should be applying for jobs but i would appear to be procrastinating...

i have a new blog to add to my blogroll, but i can't do it from work. for now just check it out through here. it's my friend paddy...