depression, what fun!

i had pulled this down, now i'm putting it back up. i'm indicisive... i think basically i just didn't want it to be the first thing people saw when they came to the site. it detracted from the much more interesting entries, you know, like the one where i discover i would appear to be particularily attracted to south asian men...

so, for those of you who are long time readers you'll know that i have had my own personal battles with depression. for those of you who are not long time readers, well, all you really need to know is that i have had my own personal battles with depression. ;)

sometimes depression finds a way to rear it's ugly head again. now, technically it wouldn't be called a bout of depression, since for it to be a session of clinical depression it has to last more than 2 or 3 weeks or something like that. but it's just as accute, just as painful, just for a shorter period of time.

this weekend was one such time for me. i had a heart wrenching weekend, plunged in the depths of depression. that feeling of walking a dark cloud, the feeling of hopelessness, the feeling that everything was for naught, the contradictory feeling of being very lonely, and not wanting to be around anyone, the feeling of hopelessness, of helplessness. bleh. anyway, that is not the point of this particular post. i'm not going to explore the feeling of depressions dark tendrils wraping themselves around my brain, that is perhaps for another day. no, today is about reactions...

i was talking to a friend today about my weekend, about how horrible it was, and i started talking about the depression, about how it felt, i started crying. she cut me off, said "take it easy meg" and "but today is better, right?". honestly, i was a little hurt. i realise that it was probably just because i'd made her uncomfortable, and that's fine, i mean, i wasn't trying to, she's a dear friend and i thought we were at a point in our friendship where that kind of stuff would be okay. but i can respect that it made her feel uncomfortable, and had i known it would i wouldn't have said anything. but honestly? the things she said, and maybe the way she said them, they felt very dismissive. they felt like she was saying "come on, that was yesterday". it felt like she was saying "come on, buck up". it felt like shit. (i feel the need to point out here that i'm not angry with her, she doesn't know how it made me feel, and right now it's not worth the energy to discuss it, and she was doing this with the best of intentions, this in no way is meant to be a slam on her.)

i don't know my point here, i mean, if someone hasn't experienced depression i'm not sure there is any way for them to understand how hurtful stuff like that can be. it implies that it's just you being silly and that it's a simple thing to get out of it. which then makes you feel like it's just confirming your weakness and uslessness. if i could just snap out of it, man, i would be sooooo happy. i would love to snap out of it. i would love to not feel it. i would love to not be dragged into the depths.

bleh. sorry, this ended up being whinier than intended. basically, what i'm saying is, if a depressed person tells you their feeling depressed, don't dismiss it, you don't have to say anything in particular "man, that's shitty" often works well, you don't need to have an answer, but don't say things that imply that it will disolve if only you put your mind to it.

p.s. i'd just like to add that camille rocks my world. not only did she not say anything to exacerbate the situation, she came over and changed lightbulbs for me (ah, the joys of being short) and we (mostly she) mowed the lawn. then sat for a quick cig and she left me along again. it was perfect. she's amazing. thanks darlin'!