open or closed

i like to think of myself as an open person.

i like to think that i don't have secrets.

i like to think that i expose myself, bare to the world, and live by a take it or leave it philosophy.

i'm not. i do. i don't.

i have learned that i have actually become a guarded person. it used to be that people had to earn mistrust with me. i started out every new relationship (be they friends, co-workers, health practitioners, random service providers etc.) with an assumption of trust. i would trust these people until they proved to me that i shouldn't.

the truth is, that is a useful thing to a point, people often live up to expectations, so if you expect to trust them, they become trustworthy. but sometimes, well, sometimes you leave yourself open for a hell of a lot of heartache.

i have a compulsive need for honesty in my life. i'm not entirely sure where it comes from, but it's a common reaction among children of alcoholics. i think it has to do with growing up in uncertainty, waiting for the other shoe to drop, waiting to find out what got fucked up this time, waiting to see how things play out. it's pretty exhausting to live like that. which is where the compulsive honesty comes in -- if you are compulsively honest, everyone knows where you stand, and if others return the favour, you know where they stand too.

in response to the wrenching pain of having your trust betrayed by a friend (we're talking over 5 years ago here, so this isn't a fresh wound, it was just the catalyst) i stopped trusting so readily. i learned that there was a difference between honesty and sharing every little detail, splitting my soul open for display. i didn't have to be like that cow at college royal with the window in it's stomach (in case you're confused this is a guelph specific reference...), i didn't have to have a window to my soul, and i didn't have to let people dig around in it to figure out how i ticked. so i stopped.

i still live by the philosophy that you can ask me anything you want, nothing is too personal, nothing is too nosey. you can ask me when the last time i cried was. you can ask me how i feel about being a fat chick. you can ask me how i masturbate. you can ask me what it was like to grow up with an alcoholic father. i won't mind. you can ask. as always, any question is allowed. the difference from 5 years ago is that i might not answer you. i won't be offended. i won't be upset. i just might say 'i don't want to answer that'.

truthfully, any of the questions i listed, i'd answer those. i'm not sure what questions i wouldn't answer. and no doubt it would depend on the audience. i mean, kate, who has been my best friend for 25 years, probably could ask me any question in the world and get an answer, probably even more than i would provide for john or my mum. but then, jeanette at work, who i like, she's fun and nice and interesting, but i don't want her to know my life story (and no doubt she doesn't want to know it either, but that's not the point for this particular illustration)

so, now i approach people without expectations. no expectation of trust. no expectation of mistrust. just as a person that i will test the waters with before i lay myself bare before them.

i don't know how to describe it, but it feels like a fundamental shift. it feels like a new stage in my life, and i like it, but some how i'm also nostalgic for 'the old me'.