i want i want i want

i want to write interesting things. i want to be witty. i want to be clever. i want to come up with metaphores and similies that paint a picture for you as clearly as brush to canvass. i want to bare my soul. i want to expose my inner-most thoughts. i want any kind of shell i have to be torn asunder, leaving me bare before all of you.

honestly, i love blogs that do that. the intensity of it. the honesty (well, the feeling of honesty anyway) of it. and the voyeristic pleasure that comes from reading it. these are, at times, my favourite blogs to read.

instead i write of mundane things. things like 'my mum is coming'. things like 'i'm packing'. things like 'i'm unpacking'.

i realise that part of this is a function of the unstability and uncertainty of my life for the last several months as i work through a new job, selling a house, finding a new one, moving etc. but also i feel a bit out of touch. so maybe i'll write about that.

i don't know if out of touch is the rigth word or not. i guess i need to do some specific thinking around it. i guess it's possible that i'm just in a good space right now and it's been so very long since i've felt like that that i can't recognize it. when i look deep down inside i don't find any demons to wrestle. i don't find some core of a problem that needs to be plucked from my belly so i can heal. i don't find a clump of emotions taking up so much space i can't think.

don't misunderstand me, i also don't find some kind of bliss or feel that i have finally found all the answers (nor do i for a second think that i ever will). i just don't feel anything particularily bad.

i do worry though. i worry that it's a trick, that my body is hiding something from me, that the bad things are just waiting to reappear, that the clump of emotions are just now wound so tightly together that i can't decipher one from the other, i can't pull them apart, but they're so tight they feel like they take up less room. i worry that it's just because i'm busy so i haven't noticed that it's all still there.

then i think how sad it is that i can't seem to just believe that i'm okay.

so i guess what i'm saying is, maybe, if i'm lucky, i won't have any posts exercising my demons, because, who knows, maybe they're all done their workout, showered and have gone home.

if i'm lucky, maybe from now on this blog will be things like "i went to see charlie and the chocolate factory last night, it was bloody amazing, everyone should immediately go out and see this movie"